(Closed) Nosy FMIL….WHERE do I draw the line?????

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
7569 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The first thing you need to do is to realise that she is entitled to her opinion but you are also entitled not to take it. Any time she gives her opinion just thank her for her thoughts and move on. Everytime you accept something she does (like the suit) you are validating her position. I also am a big believer in that once you accept or allow something from someone then the fault lies on yourself and not them.

If she buys you something that you don’t want then just don’t accept it. She will soon learn to not waste her money.

Does she have any daughters of her own? What is her relationship with your Fiance and other family members like? 

If she is the type of person that is used to being in control and being the head of the household then you are in for a struggle. The best thing to do with people like this is to listen and disregard. The advice will eventually stop when they realise that you are just going to be polite but then ignore it every time.

Post # 3
1203 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You should’ve drawn the line a long time ago.  Really she shouldn’t have had an opinion on any of this stuff.  If she wanted to pick your date she should’ve paid for the difference in prices.  You should’ve accepted the suit and said “Hmm this is very nice but I wonder when Fiance will get a chance to wear because we decided on something much lighter for the wedding.  This is very nice though and maybe he can wear it on a nice date or something.”  For the rings, “O really we might go to that store if we don’t find anything at the stores we plan on going to.”  For the veil, “Good thing you don’t have to wear it if you think it’s stupid.”  The make-up, “I like the way I do my make-up and don’t want to pay to have it done, if you disagree then you can make the check out to ‘this make-up artist.”  When it comes to your lingerie, you should have just shut that down and said my underwear is none of your concern and do you really want to know what your son will be seeing right before we have sex on our wedding night?  She needs to BUTT OUT.

Really you need to just stop talking to her or giving her an opinion.  With my grandma who is very opinionated I learned to say things like “Look at what I’m doing, I love this” if she says anything negative after that, I just reply with “Well I love and Fiance loves it and that is all that really matters” with a big smile, then change the subject.

Post # 4
465 posts
Helper bee

View original reply

I don’t think you’re going to be having a “happy and peaceful life with her son” unless he can work on setting some boundaries with her.

Post # 5
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

Easy, stop sharing details when she’s repeatedly proven she cant be trusted. 

Post # 6
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014


1) It’s time for your fiance to stop trying to please his mommy. Enough is enough. This is YOUR wedding, not his mom’s.

2) Wear whatever you want. Work that cat eye and red lip stick. You’re gonna look amazing!

3) Do not show her your lingerie. Is she freaking kidding?! That is none of her damn business. If she brings that up again I would tell her you’ve got it covered and then just end the conversation there.

4) You and your fiance need to set some boundaries FAST. Not only for the wedding planning, but for the rest of your life. Maybe your fiance should start the conversation, but you need to reinforce the boundaries. You need to spell out to her what your comfort level is and/or what you will and will not be doing and what you would like her involvement to do. If she keeps trying to influence your decisions re: your wedding say “thanks for that suggestion, but I think we are going with BLAH BLAH” or “I really appreciate you trying to help us with this decision but we are going to BLAH BLAH.” If she keeps insisting she would like to do something, maybe give her a specific task.     

5) Stay strong! This woman needs to learn what is and what is not appropropriate!

Post # 7
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Um… she’s choosing your LINGERIE?!

Why does she want input in the clothing you will wear to sex up her own son?!?!

I would refrain from telling this woman any future details about your wedding. If she asks say you don’t have anything specific planned. If she offers anything, graciously decline. 

Post # 8
93 posts
Worker bee

Set your boundaries now before it’s too late I’ve heard stories of marriages ending in divorces because of the in laws . Does your fiance know what’s going on ? im sure he knows his mother well and you have to make it clear that you will not put up with her. You are marring him not them!

Post # 9
11 posts

I am truly sorry for what you are going through! It sounds awful, but the astrology thing really made me laugh! Then it went onto the lingerie and I truly couldn’t believe it. You are a saint for dealing with this for as long as you have, and I hope you can give yourself credit because you are one tough chick! You’ve shown tremendous respect and open-mindedness toward a woman who will be in your life for a very long time, and that is extremely admirable.

There is nothing you can do to change the past, but the more I think about it maybe you can talk more with your fiance to make a plan to address it with your Future Mother-In-Law. Nothing bad comes from being genuine, and sometimes manners and respect get in the way of genuineness.  I know you don’t want to create conflict, but even though it might be uncomfortable I would then try talking with her (with your fiance there to support you) to let her know she has been hurting your feelings. I think honesty is the best and sometimes just saying “no” or flashing a smile while explaining your opinion is passive-aggressive, and unfortunatley I don’t think your Future Mother-In-Law will get your intent if you aren’t direct.

Even though this approach may cause conflict, one conflict does not mean a realtionship will be ruined. If you go with this advice, be prepared for confrontation but use your fiance for support. Make sure he understands what you’ve gone through with his mother so far (maybe he already does but I’m unsure), and be sure to let him know you can’t live like this after the wedding (if you haven’t already). Your Future Mother-In-Law may use this to express her own opinions and hurt feelings, so be prepared for that too. Again, based on your description of her I don’t think she’ll take to anything indirect. She seems to have an extremely strong personality, and I don’t think her insults/opinions will stop if you don’t directly address it with her. 

This is just my advice, and I’m not saying anyone else’s is invaluable. I am honestly touched by your situation and thought I might have a good strategy to share. It may not work, so that’s why I suggested talking to your fiance first for help. I wish you the best of luck, and think your wedding will be fantastic!

Finally, I love the idea for your makeup and veil

Post # 10
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Um NO. 

That is completely unacceptable from choosing your wedding date, his suit and shoes, your wedding rings, your makeup for the day of and now your lingerie? Oh man. 

1. Buy a copy of The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do when a Parent’s Love rules your Life by Patricia Love for your Fiance and you to read. 

2. Never, ever, ever share anything wedding related with her again. When you do that she takes it as an open invitation to approve or disapprove, validate or invalidate your choices. Do not even give that woman a chance. Practice saying “I love the fact that you’re interested but we’re still not sure about that,” “I still have to talk to Fiance about that,” “thanks but we’ve decided to do X instead.”

3. Hopefully after you’ve read the book you guys can sit down and talk openly about his meddling mother and what you’re going to do TOGETHER about it.

You need to set some ground rules as quickly as possible but he needs to realize the extent of the damage being done to the relationship and his LiFE.


Post # 11
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Can I ask what your FIs/FMILs cultural background is. I know certain cultures do use astrology to pick auspicious dates for weddings etc – my DH is Indian so we are having a ceremony in India in a few days, and his father requested that we have it before the 12th for that reason. I also have a chinese Malaysian friend whose mother picked the wedding date. So it could be part of cultural tradition rather than just “hocus pocus”. Also some cultures (certainly many Asian cultures in my experience) put a lot of importance on the parents having control of everything. So that could be a factor here. 


But I think that its great that your Fiance seems willing to stand up for her. I suggest you both look into the concept of a “polite spine”, and also try keep some details away from her if possible. 


Post # 13
182 posts
Blushing bee

FIRST OFF, YOU NEED TO STOP TELING HER WHAT YOU ARE ALL ABOUT TO DO. SHE CAN’T HAVE AN OPINION IF YOU QUIT SHARING WITH HER. She only asks you so she can rip apart your answers. Have the wedding day YOU want to have. And for Pete’s sakes, how creepy is it to advise your Future Daughter in law on what type of lingerie to wear….*SHIVERS AT THE THOUGHT*

Post # 14
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
LucyDiamond:  Aw man, read your update 🙁  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

First and foremost, Fiance needs to get on board. If you aren’t presenting a united front, nothing will ever change.

Post # 15
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

View original reply
LucyDiamond:  This is beyond nuts.

1) I agree with pp, draw the line, and also don’t use the things she buys for you even if you insist she not buy them… you can always default and say “______ I did say I would buy it myself.”

2) There is absolutely no reason this woman needs to see your lingerie. I think that the shapewear and lingerie you wear to your wedding should be a nice surprise for your future husband, and if someone happens to see it when you’re changing or getting a fitting, then so be it. Tell her you appreciate her interest in all the wedding details, but you’re just not comfortable doing that.

3) Birdcage veils work VERY will with tea length dresses. The only two veils I would suggest for a tea length dress would be an elbow length one and birdcage. This woman knows nothing of fashion, I’m sorry.

4) If it’s just going to be the two of you in Vegas, why are you allowing her to have any say in any of your wedding details? I think you need to firmly assert yourself and just tell her you don’t appreciate her trying to take control of your nuptials. Ask that she repsect your wishes.

5) Discuss this with the Fiance. Tell him that you feel very man handled. He should be jumping up to defend you, in my opinion.

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