(Closed) Not a bridesmaid, but asking me to buy a dress and plan shower?!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I wonder if she’s trying to make it up to you for not making you a bridesmaid because she feels guilty, but her efforts are misguided so it’s just making it worse.

Post # 4
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

There’s no way I’d buy an expensive dress or help plan the shower. I’d tell her that you already have something to wear as a guest to her wedding, and I wouldn’t respond to any emails about planning the shower.

Post # 5
2212 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Whoa.  Hell no.  She can only ask the bridesmaids to shell out for a dress and shoes.  She has no right to ask you to buy a coordinating dress.  That being said, I would figure out which dress you already own that coordinates the best and tell her you’re wearing it.  Use your current financial situation as a reason if she objects.  She can buy the dress for you if she’s so intent on fulfilling her vision of you coordinating perfectly.

As for the parties, planning them (and paying for them) is not your responsibility.  I would just ignore the emails.  If you’re not in the bridal party, then your only role would be to show up to them as a guest.

Damn, the nerve of some people.

Post # 6
231 posts
Helper bee

I think you’re putting WAY too much emphasize on the meaning of being a bridesmaid as a test of your relationship. I’m only having one attendant (my sister) because I think wedding parties are rather unnecessary, and I don’t want to impose on my friends to that extent. But I did explain to them that I was only having my sister but I’d love it if they could help in a few ways.

The dress thing is stupid – tell her no. And it’s tacky as all get out to ask anyone to throw you a shower, I’d tell her no on that as well. Just tell her you’ll be really busy and can’t really make that kind of committment and whatever.

But don’t take it as a measure of how much she values you.

Post # 7
2958 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Ouch. I would definitely not respond to anyone asking your thoughts on the shower and such. That is just awkward! As for the dress, maybe tell her you will try to find something to wear in the color she wants,  but you will be finding it on your own time. Maybe mention (hey, at least I have until ___Wedding date___ to find it! ” Somehow just insinuate that you are a GUEST.

Post # 8
5162 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014


@mrsSonthebeach:  +1 . 

I agree that she probably feels bad about it and is trying to include you…but the way she is including you is completely wrong (asking you to plan and spend $$ on a dress when you aren’t in the wedding party).

I would tell her that you can’t afford the dress but will find something in those colors (or wear something you already own that doesn’t clash). Tell her you are looking forward to attending and reading something on the day of. Do you know why she didn’t include you? Family obligations (sisters, cousins, etc.)? Or a smaller bridal party (FI was having less men maybe?). I would probably be offended by not being included if none of those things are the case.

Post # 9
1014 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, I’m a medical student too, and I would be very annoyed to have to spend money on a special dress and sacrifice valuable study time to plan a shower when I’m not even in the bridal party.  Just say no.

Post # 10
4 posts

Ya…that is a hard situation.  I think you could use the med student status as a gentle way to say that its difficult for you to spend all the money? 


Also maybe if you are going/in any other weddings this year you could also put that in? Like “hey i love you, but Im a bridesmaid in (so-and-so)’s wedding and since I have a lot more responsibility and planning for that wedding as a member of the wedding party, I wont be able to contribute as much as I’d like to this one, although you know I love you and I will try to make your wedding as special as I am able to”….but, do you by any chance happen to have any other weddings youre in? haha


Or…you could just be honest and say while you were very appreciative she put a lot of effort into being in your wedding party last year, and you love her, but since youre not in her wedding party… as little financial stress as can be leveled on you would be great, especially considering you are in school, etc.  But any planning things or emotional support she needs you are around to chat.


I know it sucks when people dont return the favor but try not to let that get to you, and at least she is trying to include you (although I know it sucks as a consolation). Probably your relationship will change a bit after this…I usually think (if you guys are close enough) an honest and calm conversation is usually best.

Post # 11
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

no way in hell would i buy a dress or plan a shower if i’m not in the wedding party. that’s just rude!

Post # 12
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sunshine2677:  nope, nope, nope.  Do a ‘reply all’ email the next time and wish the all the bridesmaids and bride the best of luck wedding planning and that you really look forward to one  heck of a great party, but if you could be removed from the email list that would be appreciated. You can say “I don’t mean ill feelings, or am trying to be a bitch, but I just want to be surprised and wowed on the day of the wedding and I’ll leave the planning to you lovely ladies!”

Post # 13
46611 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would just let her know that I already have a dress that I m planning to wear, and will appreciate attending the wedding as a guest, as I have limited time due to my studies.

Post # 14
5660 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

She’s going way overboard, there’s no reason for you to do any of the things she’s asking you to.

I don’t really know how to say it? Maybe just I appreciate what yuo’re trying to do but really I’m absolutely fine being a guest. Buying a dress and shoes and throwing a shower when I’m not in a wedding party is outside of my budget right now. Sorry

Post # 15
2585 posts
Sugar bee

@sunshine2677:  ummm if i was a guest i would NOT let anyone tell me to buy a $200 dress. No how, no way. That is so rude.

Let alone planning the bridal shower. She wants you as a bridesmaid, but for some reason couldnt fit you in?


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