(Closed) Not a bridesmaid, but asking me to buy a dress and plan shower?!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@julies1949:  +1.  This!  Short and sweet, say it like it is.

Don’t say you are a bridesmaid in another wedding if you aren’t.  There’s no reason to make things up to get out of what she’s asking and it’s easy to get caught in a lie.

Post # 18
Member
3479 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@sunshine2677:  what da f*ck? No, Just no. You don’t have to do all that shit if you’re not a bridesmaids. End of story. (She is probably just trying to make you feel included. In that case she should have made you a bridesmaid.)

Bull. Just say no. 

Post # 19
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I can somewhat relate to this. My best friend got married two years ago and did not ask me to be a bridesmaid. I was hurt, but I never said anything to her about it. A bride has the right to choose her bridal party and I’m sure she had her reasons for not asking me, whatever they may be. She did end up asking me to do a reading at the ceremony. I was honored and accepted the offer. She didn’t include me in any other wedding planning, but she did invite me to the wedding rehearsal where she presented me with a small gift that I loved. She did call me a few times to vent about the stress of planning and issues she was having with some of the bridesmaids and ended up saying she should have “just had me as a bridesmaid instead of so and so” That is what hurt my feelings the most. That maybe she had considered it, and regretted not asking me. I wish she would have included me in more things, which it sounds like your friend is. I definitely wasn’t disappointed that I didn’t have to buy an expensive dress, shoes, or spend money on planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party, but I don’t think any bridesmaid actually enjoys those aspects. And, I for sure would have done them, if she had asked me to be a bridesmaid, or even if she had included me in the bridal party after asking me to be a reader. It’s what you do for the ones you love right? I don’t think doing a reading qualifies you as “help” and definitely not as an ordinary guest. The ceremony is the most important part of the day and I don’t think a bride would offer the oportunity to do a reading to anyone in her life that she didn’t consider special. I think you should reconsider the role. Personally, to me, it’s more than a “consolation prize”.

Also, I don’t hold a grudge about her decision not to include me as a bridesmaid. I fully intend on asking her to be the Matron of Honor at my wedding.

Post # 21
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Well, if you are doing a reading at the wedding I could see why you would be invited to the rehearsal and the dinner. The rest is just craziness.

Post # 22
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

@sunshine2677:  Just pull the study card (I do it plenty) when it comes to specific dates if you don’t want to go. You need to be clear w/ her tho–tell her that you just don’t have the money right now to buy a dress and what not. If she can’t understand that, then she’s a lousy friend.

Post # 23
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I don’t think it is that odd that you were invited to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. For my brother’s wedding he invited a bunch of friends that he felt close with, even if he wasn’t able to have them in the wedding party and it was a great time. That being said I think it was rude of her to expect you to purchase a dress and pay for her shower and even more rude that she just ignored your very sweet and honest email!

Post # 24
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Haha- I got told this by one of my good friends (she’s got a very blunt personality)

Sometimes you just have to say NO. This girl might actually be thinking she’s doing you a favor by inviting you to these things! 

Maybe wording your email like. I would love to be a guest at your big day. Due to my studies- I will not be attending any other wedding events. Thank you for your kind invitations but I must decline them.

 

Post # 25
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I asked my cousin to be a bridesmaid but after accepting she declined because she was due around our wedding date. I then asked her to plan my batchelorette party because she wanted to feel more involved without worrying about breaking her water midway during the ceremony haha. She ended up having her baby the week before our wedding.

I just read your update, tell her once more – firmly. If she doesn’t get it then, just ignore her completely.

Post # 26
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t get why she is coordinating her bridal shower.  The party hostesses who graciously volunteered to throw her a shower should be doing that.  The partty hosts could be BMs but don’t have to be.  You clearly don’t want to host.  Speak up!

I don’t get why you feel the need to share you’re broke.  Who cares? Good luck with school!!

You are part of the wedding ceremony just like the MOB and MOG will likely wear coordinating colors even though they are not BMs. I get why the bride would like you to dress in her theme/ colors. The entire ceremony and all the participants carry on “the look.” If this is something you are not willing to do.  Speak up!

Post # 27
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t get why she is coordinating her bridal shower.  The party hostesses who graciously volunteered to throw her a shower should be doing that.  The partty hosts could be BMs but don’t have to be.  You clearly don’t want to host.  Speak up!

I don’t get why you feel the need to share you’re broke.  Who cares? Good luck with school!!

You are part of the wedding ceremony just like the MOB and MOG will likely wear coordinating colors even though they are not BMs. I get why the bride would like you to dress in her theme/ colors. The entire ceremony and all the participants carry on “the look.” If this is something you are not willing to do.  Speak up!

Post # 28
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sunshine2677: Well if you’re doing a reading you should be at the rehearsal. But why does anyone need to take a day off for the rehearsal?

Post # 29
Member
644 posts
Busy bee

@sunshine2677:  I think she’s well intentioned, but it comes across really badly. If she was fine with ignoring your nice email, I would feel free to ignore hers (although realistically you should probably continue to emphasise you won’t be available for x, y & z). I can see how you should be at the rehersal, but I wouldn’t take time off work for it in your situation. As others have said, I would refuse to buy a dress especially and I definitely wouldn’t contribute a bridesmaid’s share to the bridal shower – that’s just trying to take advantage of you.

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