(Closed) Not allowed to have bachelorette party?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

What happens when one of your friends gets married?  Will you be ‘allowed’ to go to their bachelorette party?

Post # 33
Member
2285 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

It sounds like he doesn’t trust your friends not to get crazy. If having a solo bach party is super important to you then you two need to talk. But if you just want a spa day and then a joint bach party then just go with that.

Post # 34
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Tell him you are having a bachelorette spa day with your girls, and that it isn’t up for discussion.

 

If he thinks it still IS up for discussion, or that it is his place to tell you what you are allowed to do, I tihnk it’s time for you to go off on him. That’s insane. Personally, I’d go frosty like nobody’s business. Ice queen.

Post # 35
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yeah, that not allowed part would never fly with me. I would probablydo it just because I was “forbidden” to.

Post # 36
Member
11506 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@anonanon123:  Now that I’ve seen your update, I’m even more convinced that your Fiance actually is trying to protect himself and your relationship  from any untoward activity that could possibly take place and that this really is not about him wanting to control you.

The fact that he has issued a clear edict to his own best man and friends  suggests that the plan of a joint bachelor/bachelorette party may  have been your FI’s way of saving face while preventing his own  friends from planning a night of drunkenness and strippers.  By declaring that the party must be a joint effort, he knows that the outcome is likely to be a much more balanced, less extreme atmosphere for all concerned, and he won’t have to spend all night at his own bachelor party trying to stave off having unwanted shots poured down his throat and exotic dancers crawling all over him.

Post # 37
Member
4027 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
@Brielle: I will have to respectfully disagree with you. I don’t see how prohibiting her from going to a spa would “protect” himself or the relationship. If she wanted to go partying or bar hopping all night, then that would be different, but her plans sound very low key and nothing crazy. 

Also, this was in no way a compromise or mutual decision. Shouldn’t a marriage be based on communication and compromise? Why start a marriage off with him calling all the shots? I find it more concerning that he made a “clear edict” to his friends without her permission or agreement.

 

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@anonanon123: OP, how long have you two been together and how have you handled disagreements in the past? Does he usually shut down arguements or have the final say? I know you said he is not usually controlling, but there are sometimes more subtle signs that you may not have noticed. Like does he tend to be the main decision maker? Does he approve/disapprove of your friends often? Does he decide what you as a couple will do more often than you decide?

 

I am not saying you should not marry him, but his behavior could be more concerning than you might think. I would be seriously concerned if my Fiance told me I could not do something. There have been times when we have disagreed about things, but he has never said “you cannot do this.” He is your partner in life, not your father. You can make your own decisions while still respecting your Fiance. Just because he doesn’t like something doesn’t mean you cannot do it though.

 

Post # 38
Member
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@Brielle:  If that were the case you think he could tell his future wife that without getting into an argument.

Post # 39
Member
11506 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@bmo88:  I agree that it is not at all wrong of the OP to want to have a spa day with her friends, and I would hope that her Fiance would not object to this idea apart from the debate over this particular issue.

Something I actually had written — but ultimately decided to delete prior to submitting my comments in post #35 — is that I would encourage the OP to tell her Fiance that she understands his concerns and is willing to agree with the idea of a joint bachelor/bachelorette party but that, in addition, as an entirely separate issue, she still would love to have spa day (a real one, not one that her friends decide on their own to use last minute as a cover to do somethign else) with her friends. If he still objects to THAT, then I may have a different opinion on this entirely.

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@AB Bride:  I agree. One would hope.  However — and I do not like to be sexist  — some times some men have a harder time articulating their real feelings about some issues than do some women. I hope that was generic and broad enough to avoid stereotyping 🙂

Post # 40
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

The only people who get told what they are allowed to do are children. I just don’t get people who think they can tell adults who are not in their employ what to do. My Fiance knows better than to do that to me, and I certainly don’t try to boss him around. We make requests not demands. 

Post # 41
Member
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@Brielle:  I guess, I would see it as a concern that he sets up rules for the OP, rather than discussing it even if it’s difficult to do so.

That’s a bigger issue for some than others though.

Post # 42
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’ll add one thing: my original bachelorette was planned at a strip lub…my Fiance did StART to protest, BUT stopped himself…

 

the reason for his protest?  His sister’s best friend was raped at a strip club….so TOTALLY understandable…….but he did not tell me to do anything…

 

it was changed because i was not totally sold on the stripper thing anyways…

Post # 43
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

So I know many of the PPs have indicated that they think his request is ridiculous/ unreasonable. But given this is out of his normal character (he’s not controlling typically), it may just be jitters about the fact that it’s a bachelorette. There are tons of threads on here with brides worried/ uncomfortable with what might go on at bachelor parties. So I don’t think his request is completely our of left field. I’d try to talk to him more and figure out what specifically he has an issue with. If he’s never had an issue with you spending time with your girlfriends before then I’m sure this is anxiety over bachelorette activties (eg strippers etc). You might be able to come to some sort of a compromise where you and the girls do a spa day/ dinner, him and his guys golf (or something like that) go for dinner, then everyone meets up at a bar, or do a booze cruise or something like that

Post # 44
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

He’s being petty… Tell him to put his big girl panties on and buck up cause you’re gonna go party lol

Post # 45
Member
11506 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

View original reply
@AB Bride:  Yes, I can see why that would be an issue of potential concern, especially now, prior to marriage.  That is a good point.

Before my DH and I were married, we had an incident where he made a quick decision (it was an impromptu one about a rather trivial matter) without regard for what I wanted, and, believe me, we had a serious discussion about it, and my DH ended up in tears and apologized when I explained to him how that had made me feel and why it upset me.

At the risk of causing some bees’ heads to explode when I say this, lol — as an evangelical Christian, I actually subscribe to the Biblical model of submission in marriage. However, that does not  mean that I don’t consider marriage to be a partnership and would not expect for important decisions to be discussed, and, whenever possible, agreed upon jointly.  As one might expect, I sometimes (and, on certain issues, often! haha) have a different perspective than my husband on some matters. We discuss the issues. I present my case, and he presents his. Sometimes the information I provide will change his opinion.  Sometimes the information he presents will change mine.  Sometimes we delay making a decision until we both pray about it. Sometimes we agree to compromise in some manner.  However, on those few occasions when we cannot agree, I believe that my husband must have the final say. Having said all of that, however, there is no way that I could have or would have wanted to marry a man who would be controlling or domineering. I wanted to ensure that I would only marry someone whose walk with God is mature and who would be even more submitted to the Authority of God than I could ever be to his.

Post # 46
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hmm…Usually it’s the other way around. Some women don’t want their men to have bachelor parties, but I have never heard of a man not wanting his bride to go to a bachelorette party. That’s interesting. I would just tell him what exactly you are going to do and where exactly you are going to go in hopes that it would sit well with him. If he is still insisting on you not going, I would probably give in to his demands and do a joint party or something. But that’s just what I would have done.

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