(Closed) Not allowing me to bring a guest? Is this not rude?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018 - The Rivers Club

The bride and groom can only afford to invite a certain number of people, so it’s not new etiquette, it is just the unfortunate truth.

If the bride invites only 30 people + guests and the groom invites 30 + guests you are already at 120 people, nothing to sneeze at for what would seem to be a small wedding at first.  

I am sure it wasn’t one to hurt your friend’s feelings. The bride and groom would probably invite everyone who wanted to be invited, if they could.

Post # 4
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Personally, I’ve been to weddings where I was not provided a guest and I didn’t mind at all.  I knew everyone (or most) who would be there, many of my other singles gals were there and a date would have been a hinderance.  That particular couple’s logic was – why should we pay for a meal for someone we don’t know, and most likely will never see again…

 That being said. It’s now my turn to plan a wedding. We TOO are NOT giving PLUS one’s.  We will however give them to anybody who we feel may need that to fall back on b/c they may not have a good time without one (not know anybody at wedding or etc), but our logic is this – we don’t want anyone to bring a guest for the sake of just trying to bring someone. All of our friends with significant others will be allowed their plus 1.  Anybody invited will be allowed to bring someone who is important to them – but if they are capable of having a good time without, and aren’t in a serious relationship, they will not get a plus one. 

 We hope that no one gets offended, but once you get into the budget/planning shoes of a bride/groom – the figures all start to add up and you realize, in order to get the people you want to be there, you have to sacrifice a little "etiquette" (for some who get offended) to do so.

Post # 5
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

When I was unattached, I never brought a date to weddings. It just didn’t feel right to me– the bride and groom wouldn’t have known whoever it was I decided to bring, and the date probably wouldn’t have had much fun anyway. Now, if someone in a serious relationship/married was told to come solo, that would be different.

Weddings do cost a lot of $$, and they may not have extra room in the budget for random people– especially if they’ve already had to make serious cuts in the guest list. 

 

Post # 6
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

This is a really hard issue.  We are paying for the wedding ourselves and at first we thought that we’d not invite +guests at all due to the budget.

This may seem harsh.. but if your the friend that you’re posting for is so insulted that she won’t go to the wedding at all, it seems like she’s very unsympathetic to the fact that the bride and groom’s budget is limited. 

I think that weddings cost a lot more than people really think.  If you’ve never planned one or not planned one recently, you just don’t know.  We are having a medium sized wedding, I have a large family, our wedding is under the national average for cost and it’s STILL costing us over $100 per person.  We have decided to let people bring guests but I kind of hope that no one brings some friend just because they don’t want to go alone or something.  

I’ve had to make some decisions based on budget–I have a B list for example.  I feel like my friends will understand that it isn’t that I don’t want them at the wedding… it’s purely financial and I hope that they’ll understand. 🙁  The B list is actually letting me get to my goal # of guests.

It’s tough but please tell your friend to try be sympathetic.   Obviously the bride and groom want her there to be a part of their wedding.  It could be a limitation of their budget or venue… :/

Post # 7
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Only significant others are allowed at ours, and nobody has voiced any concern or disappointment.  Boyfriends & girlfriends are not allowed–needs to be a fiancee or a partner.  End of story.  We have 3 reasons: 1. we don’t want random people at our wedding; 2. budget; 3. we don’t want people to be introducing random dates and/or feel obligated to babysit a date.

Most importantly, we want our wedding to be as intimate as a 150+ wedding can be, and to achieve that we imposed a strict rule: every guest has to be personally connected to either the bride or groom.

Post # 8
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Allowing guests to bring dates is not necessary in terms of etiquette.  The only "dates" that etiquette demands are spouses, and the partners of people who cohabitate.  However, it is not polite to specifically point out to people that they are not allowed to bring a date.  You are only supposed to put the invited person’s name on the invitation and hope they understand they can’t invite people on their own.

Whew!  Been reading my Emily Post.  And no, my single guests will not get to invite dates (people they don’t live with and have been dating less than a year).  Otherwise we won’t be able to invite all those we do know and want to be there to celebrate with us.

Post # 9
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Weddings are expensive, and while this may come off as rude, it is in fact totally up to the bride and groom to make the decision. We have several people at our wedding who were not invited with a guest, we felt significant others (seriously dating/engaged even) we’re allowed to attened with a guest.

I doubt they don’t have faith in her choice of dates, but weddings are costly and while I would have been horribly upset to be on the recieving end of a non-guest invite before planning my wedding – I now totally understand why it happens. 

Tell her to not take it personally, and that she should feel great that they want her there as it seems to be a rather intiamte reception and she’s obviously special to them.  

Post # 10
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

We’re also not allowing +1s unless we personally know them or they’ve made it known that they’re "serious" (we didn’t want to get into the business of judging "serious"). That meant that we did invite our friend’s gf, but it also meant that we didn’t invite our other friend’s baby mama. It’s nice if you can do +1s, but it’s very common now not to, especially if the guest will know a number of people at the wedding.

Post # 11
Member
40 posts
Newbee

I’m basically on the same place with everyone who replied. We invite significant others and fiance only. That’s hard enough for us. No boyfriend/girlfriend, unless we know them. We put "and guests" for singles whom we thought are more conservative, but probably just a couple of them.

From our point of view, it really is the budget issues. We don’t mean to be rude at all, but we really hope that the people that we invite are being understanding enough (which we believe so) that all of this comes from our own pocket and we are certainly not a millionaire at this point. 🙂 

I’m engaged but it’s a long distance relationship so I guess I’m used to going to weddings as a solo (even though the invitation comes with "and guest"). It’s a bit hard for me at first, but it’s not that hard, really! What I usually do is just making sure that I know at least a couple or a few people so I can at least sit with someone I know. Besides, i personally think it’s not really as much fun to have to babysit your date in your friend’s wedding. Just my opinion.

Post # 12
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’ll echo what everyone here has said already.  Its hard to imagine, but your friends plus one could cost her friend and his fiance upwards of $200 depending on what kind of wedding they are having.  My guess is your friend feels like she is being singled out and being "punished" because she isnt in a relationship.  I say that because, before I knew how much weddings cost, I felt the same way once or twice   But that isnt the case at all, its really just about the cost and, even more importantly, being surrounded by as many loved ones as possible – even if it means forgoing a few plus ones.

Post # 13
Member
48 posts
Newbee

                              It isn’t the "new etiquette" at all. Per Emily Post and Miss manners, only people who are married, or living together/engaged must be allowed to bring dates. Otherwise, if they can swing it they can, and if they can’t, they aren’t doing anything wrong. Your friend is out of line to be so insulted by this.

Post # 14
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

Your friend must not be very close with the bride and the groom if she’s not going because she can’t bring a friend. Like everyone else, we’re not inviting an "and guest" unless they’re serious because we don’t have the space or the money.

Post # 15
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

In short: no ring, no bring!

Post # 16
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I have a friend who dropped out of a wedding party because he wasn’t allowed to bring his girlfriend.  It’s a long story, but basically, the couple planning the wedding told their single (at the time) groomsmen a year before the wedding that they wouldn’t be allowed to bring dates.  Nine months from the wedding, one groomsman got a girlfriend.  Two months before the wedding, he got an invite, sans guest.  (The couple had a "only engaged or living together" rule for guests.)  He, and his girlfriend, were livid, and he fought with the couple about bringing his girlfriend to the wedding, to the rehearsal dinner, and they finally dropped him from the wedding party. 

Many people say that it is rude to not allow your groomsmen to bring a guest, especially not a fairly serious girlfriend.  But when I spoke to the couple in question, the bride said, "I had friends of my own I wasn’t able to invite because of the money.  I wasn’t going to sacrifice MY friends so that he could bring his girlfriend."

I have a number of friends getting married next summer, and the ones that are not particularly close to my boyfriend (who I live with and have been with for four years and am basically engaged to) I’ve already told that they shouldn’t feel the need to invite him as well.  I know how much dinner will cost them, and I’m going to have just as much fun without him, hanging out with my friends.  

I think its fine to invite somebody without a guest as long as they will know at least one other person at a wedding.  Otherwise, they should be allowed to bring someone.   

 

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