(Closed) not asking someone to be a bridesmaid

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This is a tough one.  Could you maybe have her participate some other way like doing a reading?  I ask because maybe if you have another role for her, it will soften the blow of not being asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. 

It would be really easy to let her know if you are doing a family only wedding party or just a Maid/Matron of Honor or something like that.  However, if you plan on having 8 of your friends do it, she may be hurt as to why she wasn’t chosen.

Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. Frown

Post # 4
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Yes, definitely be proactive and don’t let her find out via Facebook.

Finding another role for her might be the best bet unless you think she’d get resentful or vindictive. Keeping it small so that you can legitimately say “we had a tough time choosing among so many good friends but we really needed to only have 3/4/etc. bridesmaids” would also work, if you can go with that. Not sure where you are drawing your own lines.

 

Post # 6
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am the other woman in this situation right now. We have been bestfriends since we were 11. I am almost positive she isn’t asking me to be in her Destination Wedding wedding, because my other girlfriends seem to already know who will be escorted down the aisle. I moved away 4 years ago and althoguh we are still in constant contact, I understand that she has grown closer to them.

She hasn’t called me in a few months, ever since she got engaged. I was initially very hurt when I started to figure out that I probably wasn’t going to be stand for her but I wish she would just have the bals to call or email me and tell me.

Post # 7
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I too experienced this from ‘the other side.’ TWICE.

My college roommate had every one of our core group of friends in her wedding except for me, she asked me later to do a reading. It hurt, I felt excluded especially when I thought we were close and that gap widened when I wasn’t seated near any of our friends at the wedding. I truly feel it erroded our friendship and we’ve only spoken a few times since. Another friend, from that same core group, got married a month later. I wasn’t in the bridal party and was asked to be the ‘guest book attendant’. AWKWARD!  I got a lame excuse that it was because I lived out of state and she didn’t want to be a burden, never mind that one of the BM’s lived in NEW ZEALAND.

I say be upfront, if you are going to ask her to be in your wedding, ask her before you ask the bridesmaids. Then it seems less like an afterthought, it’s not going to be easy on either of you but being upfront will help a lot.

Oh and make sure you don’t say anything awkward at the rehearsal dinner like, “We would have liked so-and-so to be a groomsman but we didn’t have another girl to pair with him, so he’s just an honorary groomsman.”

That is a direct quote from one of the weddings… that one HURT.

Post # 8
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Thanks for the post, Buttercup.  I’m in a sticky situation and it’s super helpful to hear about it from the other side.

I’m still feeling awkward about my friend, Birdy.  We were very close friends in high school and have stayed in good touch over the years.  Her husband has also been a good friend of mine.  I was in her wedding, and she had made a comment to me to the effect of, ‘you supported me through the event like the Maid/Matron of Honor should have.’ That was over 5 years ago.

Since then, I’ve felt a little let down with our friendship.  She moved from out of state to 25 min away, but she didn’t make much of an effort to see me.  Birdy lived 5 min from my good friend, Buffy, and we always tried to include her in book club, dinner, and other events but she never showed.  When I moved to another state, I was down there for over 2 years and Birdy never came to visit even though I tried to see her every time I came back home.  I told her months in advance about my birthday/going away party (I’m moving to England) and she forgot and had scheduled a girls weekend with her Maid/Matron of Honor and friends from college- so let me down there.  Now I know that I should take into consideration that Birdy has had 3 children in this time period, significantly limiting her time to be with friends.  But it still feels like she doesn’t always make time for me. 

It felt weird not to ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, because we used to be so close.  Dear Fiance expressed disapproval of my inclinations to have her in the bridal party, because I feel so let down in our friendship.  And he didn’t get very sincere vibes from her the one time she met him.  And I was feeling ok about it, until the Hen Night last weekend.  It was telling that Birdy only had met the other 8 ladies once before, when all the rest of them knew each other better from crossing through my life.  But she did join us only 3 weeks after the birth of her 3rd child when she had gotten little sleep and was nursing.  And she was the most prepared for me drinking a little too much, having brought choclate donuts and pringles in her purse.  And she was the #1 person who took care of me that night, including taking me back to her place depsite the fact that she had 3 kids sleeping in her small apartment.  Basically, she was there for me.  (btw… I never intended to get so embarassingly drunk, but so rarely have 8 peope buying drinks for me; it was quite easy to over-do it.)

Anyways, I’m starting to feel that regret again, and want to honor her as my friend.  I want to ask her to do a reading- perhaps something cute she chooses from one of the books she reads her children at night.  But I really don’t want her to feel hurt, like it was an afterthought or a consolation prize.  I’m sure she’s already been feeling hurt that I didn’t ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in the first place.  Honestly, she doesn’t have more than 3 friends that she’s closer to than me, although I feel closer to many more people than her. 

Any advice? 

Post # 9
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am starting to feel like maybe you should ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. If you are feeling that badly inside, it might be your body telling you that you are making the wrong decision

Post # 10
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

From someone who has been in your situation, trust your gut.  Especially if you feel she will bring drama.  Definitely be proactive and tell her, it will probably put a strain on your relationship…but trust me, you don’t need the extra stress during this planning time…and your FH will appreciate it as well, because more than likely you will be venting to him about many situations throughout the process. I know mine was sick of me getting stressed over someone who wasn’t really being that great of a person to me, or our other friends (and my other BMs)

It is a very hard position to be in because you care about your friend but you can pretty much also see how things are going to play out.  I actually have a bit of resentment towards my friend that I kept as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and I hate feeling that way. 

Post # 11
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t know, I don’t think you owe anyone an explanation on this. I think that you can invite the people you want to be in your bridal party, and leave it at that. If you want to include this girl in some way, ask her at the same time. If not, then she’s on the guest list.

A “good friend” (lived together in college 4 years, sorority sisters, constant contact, etc) got engaged a couple of months after I did. I hadn’t asked anyone to be in my bridal party yet, but was planning to ask her. She asked six people immediately, and I wasn’t one of them. She never said a word to me about it, and when our other best friend assumed that I was a bridesmaid, all she said was that if they’d wanted seven people then I’d probably be the seventh Bridesmaid or Best Man but the groom didn’t want a seventh Groomsmen. I thought that was a really crappy way to rank your friends, and I ended up not asking her to be on my side either. I’d rather have just not known anything.

Post # 12
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m in a similar situation whereby myself and my best friend of years really grew apart for a while and have had some very tough times in our friendship, she did a big apology a few years ago and we chatted about it, and I was drunk and said of course if I ever get engaged and married you will be a bridesmaid, but we barely talk and I can’t forget what happened over those years….. and to add to it my Bridesmaid or Best Man who has chosen to step down because she is pregnant can’t stand this girl….

So am planning on just having her as an Honourary Bridesmaid instead, so she will get a Bridesmaid or Best Man gift, be mentioned in the Thank You’s and just not be performing the Bridesmaid or Best Man duty on the day, I only have my Maid/Matron of Honor and that makes it much easier, the Bridesmaid or Best Man who has stepped down is paying for my hair and make up which is such a lovely thing to do, so I feel like it would be a slap in the face to her if I filled her place…

have been umming and ahhing over it for ages, particularly as she is flying over from the states for the wedding

anyway… sorry to hijack, but I would suggest being honest with her…. I still haven’t got round to it…. wedding in 4 and a half months…. and it’s gets harder to do the longer you put it off.

Hope that essay makes sense

Post # 13
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@applecore:  have you told her about being an honorary bridesmaid yet? i am curious about how that goes over. i am in a similar situation and i am wondering if asking her to not participate but throwing a title at her anyway would be worse than just saying nothing and having her as a guest? i’ll be curious to see how your situation unfolds!

Post # 14
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I was in the same situation last year, but with two friends. Ultimately I called them the day I asked the other girls and told them that they wouldn’t be bridesmaids. I explained how much their friendship has meant to me over the years and reassured them that I still wanted them to have a role in the wedding. Both chose to not do anything, which I understood. I still gave them bridesmaid gifts and told them they should wear black to match with the wedding party if they wanted. It took some time for them to get over the hurt and shock but our friendship is just as strong as out was before this whole ordeal.

Post # 15
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’m going to be in this situation soon enough. I’m concerned about what I’m going to do, but I won’t have very many girls standing up with me. What I’m going to say (because it’s 100% true) is that I’m picking the girls that have been with BOTH of us through thick and thin in our relationship, not just on my side. The girls I’m choosing would have no problem calling up SO if they needed something or had a question.

Post # 16
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@bostongirl27:  no, haven’t told her yet, just don’t know how to word it…………. 

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