Not being addressed appropriately on cards

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 46
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

kayah :  Your life must be so great, if this is what you choose to get upset over.

Post # 47
2631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I totally understand.  It’s one of my pet peeves too.  I hate being called Mrs. Darling Husband.  I find it degrading.  I don’t know that I would bring it up to anyone though.  (unless it was my mom that was doing it…)

Post # 48
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t see the harm of giving her a gentle reminder one time.  This is obviously more important to you than it is to other people.  We have our own bugbears.  As long as you don’t get rude about it I don’t see why you can’t press the issue a little more.

If she still doesn’t remember after one reminder maybe 2, then I would let it go. I wouldn’t do the passive aggressive Facebook posts.  1 or 2 direct, polite, gentle reminders of what you prefer to be called.  

People mispronounce/misspell my name all the time because it’s Chinese. Also, if they haven’t spoken to me before, they often would address me as Mr. instead of Ms./Mrs. in emails, because to be fair the name is androgynous even in Chinese.  I correct them once or twice, but if they don’t remember, oh well I don’t lose sleep over it.  The emails still say the same things. I don’t think it’s anything personal against me. 

Post # 49
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wish this was the issues I had in my life… names on envelopes :/

Let it go


Post # 50
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’d build a bridge and get over it.  Annoying,  yes, I’ll give you that.  But the greater scheme of life, does it truly matter? Really???  

I always ask myself “Will this matter when I’m on my death bed” If the answer is no, I move pass it. 

Post # 51
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m pretty biased on this issue because I deal with a lot of LGBTQ rights- and not respecting the name/gender/pronoun someone wants to be addressed by is considered very disrespectful, especially if done purposely or repeatedly. So I can understand that in your case, your discomfort with this stems from an outdated patriarchal norm where the woman was swallowed by the husband’s identity upon marriage. It can be very hurtful to have your wishes ignored. 

If you were the victim of intentional disrespect or bigotry or malice, this would definitely be a hill I’d be willing to die on. In your case however, this seems more like an older relative who still follows the etiquette norm from a bygone era and doesn’t mean you any harm. Annoying yes, but not a hill to even climb up on let alone die on. If this truly bothers you, then do as some of the Bees have suggested and speak to her directly but gently and remind her how you wish to be addressed- but please don’t go the passive-aggressive Facebook post route. 

Post # 52
9504 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Calling someone a different name than they prefer to their face is waaaaaaaaaay different than addressing envelopes in a traditional manner.

Get over it and throw the envelope in the trash like everyone else.

Post # 53
2695 posts
Sugar bee

I’m envious that your life is so perfect THIS is a big deal to you.

Post # 54
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

I think several posts here saying OP must have a perfect life yada yada yada first world problems etc are being rather harsh. Yes, it’s a first world problem but so are lots of posts on this forum. There are serious ones too- Bees who’ve lost a loved one or had a miscarriage or are in a frighteningly abusive relationship- and these posts are sad and not to be trivialized. But there is also tons of room for Bees to share/vent/commisserate on trivial stuff.

I have a SIL who doesn’t like me- well boo fucking hoo for me, there are people out there battling cancer. My lunch is all diet-y and non-cheesecake-y, well pity party of 1 for me, there are people out there starving who would feel freaking lucky to have enough food to need to count calories or Weight Watchers points. And really, who else besides a bride or a picky mom or Mother-In-Law cares if the shade of rose pearl linen napkins match the rose pearl tablecloths. If we’re going to compare every OP in every thread to the far more serious and tragic problems out there, then yes many many threads here are first world problems we need to suck up and get over. But we also need friends to vent to, whether they’re real life best buddies or part of an internet forum we’ve grown fond of. So don’t throw stones at OP without checking yourself on any first world problems you may have vented on. 

p.s. I wouldn’t be on my crabby soapbox if I didn’t have such a diet-y non-cheesecake-y lunch to eat tongue-out

Post # 55
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

kayah :  If somebody in my family made a stink about this I would not be sending them any more cards.

Post # 56
2695 posts
Sugar bee

nickels :  Problem solved! Or would that just give someone more of a reason to be pissed?

Post # 57
11614 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I get why people are saying this is trivial, but on the other hand, change doesn’t come about through silence and compliance. 

And if a man were saying this isn’t the proper address, I really doubt he’d stop because the rest of his life was so great.

bottom line, your life doesn’t have to be crap to take a stand on something. Sure, people are going to judge you for it, but you already know that. Frankly I admire your spirit, as I would ignore it because it wouldn’t seem worth it to me. But if everyone did that…

so. Yes, say something but do not say it in Facebook. If you’re going to take a stand, do it properly. Tell her that your chosen form of address is a matter of respect and you hope she respects you enough to use it. 

No JADEing or apologizing, no passive aggressive lectures, just the facts. 

Post # 58
8449 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

aussiemum1248 :  

I don’t like being called “Mrs. John Lastname”. But I think “Mr and Mrs John Lastname” isn’t as bad. And it’s a pretty minor hill to die on.

 I disagree profoundly, being  called Mrs John Lastname or  Mr and Mrs John Lastname is exactly the same and  utterly unacceptable.  In both, the woman’s identity as an individual is completely  blotted out. That might be your idea of a “minor  hill to die on” , but it is not mine. Or, more to the point , OP’s.  




Well, myslef I fo tthink

Post # 59
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

I think if you’ve already tried it might be time to just ignore it (though I would be annoyed too) – maybe ask her why she is particular about her name but doesn’t use your real name?

my friend kept her name on marrying and she is a doctor. Her husband kept his name and also has a Dr title. They got a card from the girl’s granny to:

Dr and Mrs John Smith 

As if she was just a wife with NO TITLE, NO first name and NO last name 😓 She was quite mad… 

ive managed to persuade my Fiance for both of us to change our names so hoping this means we both get addressed as the PBs instead 😄

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