Post # 17
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2392 posts
Buzzing bee
Oh, man, so many responses! Thanks, guys. It just helps to see other people think about it. The situation between us is fine – we understand we both want to keep our names, and may not find the other’s decision ideal, but respect it. It’s more that this is on my mind a lot and it’s kind of dumb to keep having the same conversation with him, so I thought I’d bring it up here.
I know a couple of you mentioned not feeling like your name is a big part of your identity and I can respect and understand that. But to me, it’s a big part of my identity – I have the kind of name people regularly compliment me on. Plus I am very close with my father’s family and want to see myself as a part of that family.
We don’t intend to have children, so we’re not too worried about their last name. I’d like to give them mine – it is 25% more awesome than his and I’m the one who’d have to give birth and all that. But probably not an issue either way.
@Chicagobride – That’s kind of the way I feel, too! It’s ok for others to feel differently, but I am hardcore about keeping my name and him respecting the decision. So, yes, it is ALL just him making a little sadface and understanding, but thinking it would be nice.
@FutureMrsMartin – I don’t really get upset. I know it’s other people’s decision and choices I’m just kind of surprised and maybe a little sad which I know is none of my business but I’m working on it. Though the one friend in question I know is very sad about having done it… it was basically part of a compromise with her husband but I think his end of the bargain is something he would have done eventually anyway. So even though I adore the guy she’s marrying, I feel like she let herself get pushed into a decision she didn’t really want to make because he had old-fashioned ideals about it.
@Vintage2010 – I actually don’t want to go by his name socially. Though I have progressed from feeling like I’d yell at anyone who calls me that to thinking it’s kind of nice to be reminded that we’re married but also nicely letting people know that’s not actually my name.
Post # 18
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
It is so interesting to read the responses from both sides here. I am not planning to change my name when I marry. Mostly because I am lazy, but partly because I will be in my mid-30s by the time I walk down the aisle, and I *like* my name. I did however promise my guy that being called Mrs. X socially won’t bother me in the least. My guy’s parents divorced and remarried long ago, so he doesn’t have the same last name as his mom, step, or half-siblings, and it doesn’t matter. His relationship with his mother isn’t defined by their different last names. His sisters and brothers are no less dear to him because of different last names. I’m all for making your own choice, and for telling people pressuring you to do something different to mind their own business. If your fiance dislikes your choice, but doesn’t consider it a deal-breaker, than he will just have to get over it in time.
Post # 19
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
I actually got guilt on the other side of it. He’s not thrilled with the idea of me keeping my name. But what’s worse is the pressure from many of the women in my family to keep my name. I recently came back from a trip to visit my mom’s family and all the women keep their names. It’s part of the culture there. I’m still pretty undecided, and leaning towards keeping my name.
Post # 20
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
@ChiCat & Monitajb – thanks for the well thought out responses. I should clarify that he’s been a little more adult and clear-spoken than just making sad faces. But it’s basically in that range of reaction – it’s not what would make him happiest, but he doesn’t want to convince me to do something that would make me unhappy. So there’s no need for a more serious discussion because we’re both pretty satisfied with having different names.
Post # 21
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee
I agree with what FutureMrsMartin & Rosie Girl have said almost exactly.
I never thought of not changing my name. I know we’re both traditional on some things, but I want us to be a unified family, and to all share one name. I’ll always be my last name, whether it’s legal or not.
Post # 22
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
Hahaha….it might be sad, but I have always known I wanted to change my last name so that my intials would quit being ADD (yes I have such cruel parents 😉 ).
Actually I am going to have two middle name and a last name, so it will be ADDT, but most people will just call me Mrs. T I think.
Post # 23
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
@pmerr – I guess in theory I like the idea of us being a unified family, but I don’t see how having the same name really makes us more or less so. It can be a symbol, sure, but I don’t see it as unifying if I’m making what I consider a huge sacrifice he doesn’t have to make. For other women, it’s not a huge sacrifice and that makes sense to me, but to me it is huge and would make me feel less united with him.
Post # 24
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee
I mean, it depends on the couple. I would feel so weird having either my kids & husband with all one name, and I have a separate name, or vice versa. That’s just me. It’s just one of those things I’m more traditional on, and I would never judge or think that a family isn’t unified just because they don’t share a name. I may think it’s foreign, but it’s because it’s not what I believe or want to do. You know? So I guess I’m not too big of a help lol. I would suggest creating a really cool name using parts of your last name that you really love. I did see a website that combines things for you, but I have no idea which it is. The only other one I would see is both taking hyphenated, which you BOTH could have BOTH names. I did see that he didn’t want that though. So, I guess I really can’t help too much, because the only options I would suggest you’ve already thought of & won’t do.
Post # 25
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee
Post # 26
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
@pmerr – no it’s helpful just to be able to think it through without having the same conversation over and over. Which basically consists of:
Me: I like my name. It is awesome. I keep it.
Him: But it would be nice if you had mine!
Me: Mine is better! You should take it.
Him: I don’t wanna. Mine is good.
Me: That’s okay – I don’t wanna either. Love you.
Him: Love you too. This is boring.
I feel like I might feel weird as well having a different name from my husband and kids. But I don’t want kids, so it’s not an issue (and if we had kids, I think we’d hyphenate/combine/give them the name of the person who birthed them).
Post # 27
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
I agree with pmerr. BUT, what if you took his name legally and went with yours socially? Don’t tell anyone you took his last name. Or make his last name your new middle name?
Post # 28
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee
Yeah. I’m sure it gets old. I guess if you don’t want kids, then it’s not as big of an issue. I would just worry about changing your mind, but you have a plan for that. Stuff like that is important to me, even at 21. I guess it’s my traditional-ism 🙂
Post # 29
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
@Rosiegirl – I wouldn’t change my name legally, part because I do feel really attached to mine and part because it’s pretty intense effort for something I don’t really want. I do like the idea of taking his name as a middle name, though! The only issue is that my middle name is really important to me sentimentally. It’s my Dad’s sister’s name – she died before she turned 2, so they gave me her name as a middle to honor her.
@pmerr – That tool is awesome! Most of the things our names combine to are totally over the top, though. At the risk of being internet stalked, we could be the Kasmastarrs or Stakasmans (the Stakamen?)
Post # 30
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Personally, I changed my name. I wasn’t very attached to my maiden name (have some bad family members with the name that I don’t want to be associated with). It wasn’t hard to change my name, went pretty quickly actually once I got down a system.
My stepmother didn’t change her name. She had a career all set up before she got married.
Post # 31
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
Okay, I was originally in the “same name for the sake of our future family” boat, but you know what, if that is SO important then why aren’t men (as a whole, obviously some do) willing to make the compromise (compromise being changing one’s name for the sake of unity)? My fiance and I had this conversation and he flat out said “I don’t like that I want you to change your name. I don’t want to be that type of man. But I can’t help but want you to. I understand if you don’t though because I wouldn’t want to change my name.”
I’m still undecided. Part of me wants to hyphenate. Part of me wants to stay the same and have our children be hyphenated or have my name as their middle name. I need to decide.
There will always be things that we do that people disagree with. The best you can do is be true to yourself and deal with the criticism.
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