(Closed) Not Changing, but With Choice Comes Guilt

posted 11 years ago in Names
Post # 18
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

It is so interesting to read the responses from both sides here. I am not planning to change my name when I marry. Mostly because I am lazy, but partly because I will be in my mid-30s by the time I walk down the aisle, and I *like* my name. I did however promise my guy that being called Mrs. X socially won’t bother me in the least. My guy’s parents divorced and remarried long ago, so he doesn’t have the same last name as his mom, step, or half-siblings, and it doesn’t matter. His relationship with his mother isn’t defined by their different last names. His sisters and brothers are no less dear to him because of different last names. I’m all for making your own choice, and for telling people pressuring you to do something different to mind their own business. If your fiance dislikes your choice, but doesn’t consider it a deal-breaker, than he will just have to get over it in time.

Post # 19
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

I actually got guilt on the other side of it.  He’s not thrilled with the idea of me keeping my name.  But what’s worse is the pressure from many of the women in my family to keep my name.  I recently came back from a trip to visit my mom’s family and all the women keep their names.  It’s part of the culture there.  I’m still pretty undecided, and leaning towards keeping my name.  

Post # 21
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with what FutureMrsMartin & Rosie Girl have said almost exactly. 

I never thought of not changing my name. I know we’re both traditional on some things, but I want us to be a unified family, and to all share one name. I’ll always be my last name, whether it’s legal or not. 

Post # 22
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hahaha….it might be sad, but I have always known I wanted to change my last name so that my intials would quit being ADD (yes I have such cruel parents 😉 ).

Actually I am going to have two middle name and a last name, so it will be ADDT, but most people will just call me Mrs. T I think.

Post # 24
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I mean, it depends on the couple. I would feel so weird having either my kids & husband with all one name, and I have a separate name, or vice versa. That’s just me. It’s just one of those things I’m more traditional on, and I would never judge or think that a family isn’t unified just because they don’t share a name. I may think it’s foreign, but it’s because it’s not what I believe or want to do. You know?  So I guess I’m not too big of a help lol. I would suggest creating a really cool name using parts of your last name that you really love. I did see a website that combines things for you, but I have no idea which it is. The only other one I would see is both taking hyphenated, which you BOTH could have BOTH names. I did see that he didn’t want that though. So, I guess I really can’t help too much, because the only options I would suggest you’ve already thought of & won’t do.

Post # 27
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with pmerr. BUT, what if you took his name legally and went with yours socially? Don’t tell anyone you took his last name. Or make his last name your new middle name?

Post # 28
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeah. I’m sure it gets old. I guess if you don’t want kids, then it’s not as big of an issue. I would just worry about changing your mind, but you have a plan for that. Stuff like that is important to me, even at 21. I guess it’s my traditional-ism 🙂 

Post # 30
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Personally, I changed my name.  I wasn’t very attached to my maiden name (have some bad family members with the name that I don’t want to be associated with).  It wasn’t hard to change my name, went pretty quickly actually once I got down a system.

My stepmother didn’t change her name.  She had a career all set up before she got married.

Post # 31
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Okay, I was originally in the “same name for the sake of our future family” boat, but you know what, if that is SO important then why aren’t men (as a whole, obviously some do) willing to make the compromise (compromise being changing one’s name for the sake of unity)? My fiance and I had this conversation and he flat out said “I don’t like that I want you to change your name. I don’t want to be that type of man. But I can’t help but want you to. I understand if you don’t though because I wouldn’t want to change my name.”

I’m still undecided. Part of me wants to hyphenate. Part of me wants to stay the same and have our children be hyphenated or have my name as their middle name. I need to decide.

There will always be things that we do that people disagree with. The best you can do is be true to yourself and deal with the criticism.

The topic ‘Not Changing, but With Choice Comes Guilt’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors