(Closed) Not coping well/ Bitterness has set in.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@VikingPrincess: Can I ask you what is the rush?  Why do you feel the need to get married now and not a little later?

How long have you been together?

My Fiance have been together for 6 years on Wednesday – 5 years before we got engaged.  After our 2nd year I was not so subtle about getting married but quickly realized that being married had nothing to do with my happiness or our happiness together. 

I suppose what I am getting at is that if you know you want to be with him and he wants to be with you why does it matter if you are married now or later?

Post # 5
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@VikingPrincess: I remember your posts from last summer when I was waiting too (God, I’ve been here forever. lol).  You made a huge mistake by moving in with him.  I’m going to be very blunt here so if you get angry, I’m sorry but I’m going to say it anyway:

He is manipulating you and now he’s got you where he wants you.  He’s basically given in to you enough to trick you into thinking he wants to get married. And he’s letting you dangle, even knowing how you feel about a proposal, which makes it worse.  You lost all your bargaining power when you moved in but you can get it back.

It’s going to be a pain in the ass, but move out.  He may come crying back to you again and if you feel like giving him a third chance, that’s your choice. But I don’t see him budging and he’s really passive aggressive too, bordering on the cruel.

He’s hurting you and he knows it.  You don’t deserve to live with all this anger and bitterness. Get away from him and the situation.  I don’t know you at all, obviously, but I sense you can do a lot better. I know this is hard but take care of yourself first.  Always. Good luck:)

Post # 6
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would suggest talking to him about the children issue, if you haven’t already, since that’s driving your timeline.  Make sure he’s on board with your baby-making goals.  If you are in agreement about that, and he understands that you want the ring before the bump, then he’ll probably be more proactive about it.  

Post # 7
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

You need to get quiet. Slow life down. Live one day at a time – with some things, we can’t control the future. And we especially cannot control our significant others.

Being angry, bitter, and resentful will get you nothing. That is ill behavior, given the context, because there are not a lot of situations that merit anger. Do you understand where your man is coming from? Have you lovingly sat down and shared hearts, truly knowing and seeking to know the sort of person he is? If you have done these things, do them again. I have a feeling there is more to the situation than you realize. 

He doesn’t sound ready. It sounds like you feel ready. No harmony there, of course, and that is certainly not a way to achieve success, let alone a proposal. And while you may feel justified in your behavior, ask yourself this: am I hurting or loving? 

Is your guy worth waiting for or not? Only you can answer that. These are matters of the heart and quiet thought. You’re very focused on you right now. When I’m feeling that way, I endeavor to bless someone else, do something selfless. May not be what I feel like doing, but it helps. It’s tough to love people when I’m stuck on me. And it is possible to be happy and blessed while seeking to love people, so it isn’t as though your quality of being doesn’t matter.

Post # 8
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@HEB: well said

 

Also – If children is what you want, then you should tell him that.  Please don’t be one of those women who only want to be married because you think it’s what you should do at a certain age – life doesn’t really work on a timeline and you will always end up disappointed.  There is a saying … Good things come to those who wait!

Post # 9
Member
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@PutABirdOnIt: I’ve gotta give a big +1 to your post! OP, he is comfortable with the way things are now and he seems perfectly content to stay there. Being that you are 33 and want to start having children soon, you need to decide if you are willing to spend the rest of your life with this man even if it doesn’t lead to marriage. If marriage isn’t a deal breaker for you, then all is good and you can make peace with the situation and just enjoy being together. If you’re not (which I suspect is what you’ll decide, based on what you’ve written) then you need to figure out what you’re going to do. Because he sounds like he’s moving further away from marriage, the more comfortable things get.

Post # 10
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with @PutABirdOnIt: If you’re not happy with your life or situation, take control of it and move out. Find someone who can’t WAIT to be with you, and wants to have a family with you. He’s not treating you well. You know it. Letting yourself be bitter and resentful only hurts you, it doesn’t incite him to change. You said you wouldnt stick around if there wasn’t a proposal, so don’t. If you feel like you’re being let on, leave.

 

Admittedly, this is easier said than done, but there are some major red flags that you shouldn’t ignore. 

Post # 12
Member
3304 posts
Sugar bee

I would do whatever you can possible to go- you are unhappy and you need to regain your happiness… good luck!

Post # 13
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@VikingPrincess: I know this will be difficult but you have to do it.  There are only a few of us here on this board who know your background with Boyfriend or Best Friend.  Besides the fact that he has been a total asshat, you are 33 and if you want children you cannot wait for him. Also, good things are not going to come to you if you wait this situation out.

You should just smile, stay calm and don’t say anything.  Carry on as usual and when you have all your shit together: money, car, etc. and are ready to go, tell him why you are leaving and this is very important: Do not defend your decision.  Do not belabor the point. Don’t let him argue you out of your decision or beg you to stay. Just go. 

I’ve been without resources too, but you have to find a way.  Maybe you can crash with a friend.  Get a roomie on Craigslist. Maybe find a place where you can get to work without your car for a while. Might not be your ideal situation but it will only be temporary.

But don’t dwell on any past mistakes and just go forward.  You will feel so much better after it’s all over.

Post # 15
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Be a good girlfriend to yourself.  Take care and be strong!

 

Post # 16
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

Just my opinion but I think you should tell him how you feel. I know its corny sounding, but you are miserable and he shouldn’t be playing these games. 

I don’t understand these guys who pick out rings/settings and talk about the future but then can’t seem to make a move. 

 

Let him know that your clock is ticking (not just baby clock lol) and that you deserve to move forward. 

 

Good luck! 🙂

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