(Closed) Not Engaged, Need Advice

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Hey nescafe,

 I have the same issue with suspicions of proposals and nothing ever comes. Also, I am kind of in the same situation. I’d think about telling him that it’s not fair of him to ask you to tailor your job search when he keeps saying things, but not acting on them (marriage, proposal, etc.). It might be good to talk about a deadline. Give him a certain amount of time to propose (whatever time you think is best for you relationship and job situation – a year, two years) and let him know that if it doesn’t happen in that time, then you’re going to have to make other “arrangements”, for lack of a better term.

It’s your life at the moment, and especially without a proposal, he has very little to no say in where you take jobs and other major life decisions.


I think it also might be a good idea to do what you’ve mentioned – asking him to quit with the future talk unless he truly plans to act on it within the time set forth. 

I hope these ideas help or at least provide inspiration for a solution! Happy New Year and best wishes!

Post # 5
5955 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Check out the board called “Waiting.”  There you will fine many MANY women in a similar position.

I was in your shoes for quite some time.  (Happily, I”m married to him now!)  It’s sooooo frustrating.  I think the most sane thing to do is to have a serious talk about it from time to time, but to try you hardest not to nag.  I got to the point where I was nagging a lot, so that wasn’t great, I wish I hadn’t.  

I think you need to have a serious timeline talk.  If I were you it’d be something like: “Honey, I honestly thought we were going to be engaged by the new year.  Right now you are asking me to make career decisions with our future in mind, but you aren’t doing the one thing that tells me you want us to approach the future as a team.  I know you want to do the proposal and I don’t want to pressure you, but I need a timeline.  Can you confirm that we’ll be engaged before spring (March 21st)?”

And then don’t bring it up again until the 21st comes and goes.  I went through this with my guy and it SUCKED.  I completely understand the thing about the career choices.  The idea that we’re supposed to sit around likc suckers waiting for these guys to make up their minds and potentially sabatoging our own careers is so distateful to me.  UGH.

Post # 6
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You’re receiving a lot of good advice, and I think you’ve actually kind of lucked out with the jobs in different cities thing!

I know of a great number of women in my family and friends of mine who got engaged because of external life putting pressure on what was otherwise a too-comfortable situation for the guy. Such as, they were with a man they loved for a long time and weren’t pressuring him for an engagement, but life stepped in and they had opportunities where they’d either get engaged or move away, so the guy proposed. 

I think you can do a two-step convo here. Mention that you were a little disappointed that there wasn’t a proposal at xmas without asking for one, like “You mentioned marriage a lot last year and to be honest I had my hopes up a little bit for a holiday proposal. The last thing I want is to pressure you, but having these conversations go nowhere is causing stress for me…can we not discuss marriage and engagement until you really think you’re ready to move forward with it?”

And then look for jobs in other cities. And in a very excited tone, tell him in a totally seperate conversation “I found a job in XYZ that looks great, I’m going to apply!” When he says he doesn’t want you to apply there, you can say “Well, we’re not engaged, so it would be unfair of me to make assumptions about the future. So while things are uncertain, I’m going to make sure I’m not limiting my career!”

I hope he will understand your perspective without feeling pressured.

Post # 8
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@nescafe:  My best advice, after having something similar, just confront him.  Have a serious talk and ask what his plans are because you need to know that you two are on the same page.  I was planning to move from WA to MO with my then boyfriend because we knew we would get married at somepoint.  We always talked about the future and knew what we wanted.  The closer the move got (he moved before me) I noticed more and more that he never brought the future up anymore and if I did, then he immediately changed the topic.  Almost trying to avoid it all together.  I finally confronted him, as best you can by phone, I asked what was going on.  He confessed that he DID still want everything and things were getting planned, he just wanted to keep it all a surprise and went a little overboard trying to keep me from finding out. 

He proposed not too long after that conversation.  So, just ask.  🙂

Post # 9
5955 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@nescafe:  I’ve been there and I’ve had/thought about that discussion a LOT.  Many of us have.  You are not alone.

The thing that made me totally insane was my guy constantly saying “you should move down to be with me.”   And I’m like, dude, you KNOW that that is not a (legal) option!  We have a Canada/USA cross broder relationship and lived just across the border from each other for years.  The only way for me to move to the USA would be for the two of us to get married, since I don’t qualify for any special work Visas.

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