- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
I am probably going to catch some flack for posting this, but I mostly just need to vent, and sometimes you bees are so good at pointing out the positives in a situation that I just cannot see right now.
I have been waiting for a pretty long time, but the last six months since we moved in together have been especially hard. My partner and I, while we both knew we wanted to be married to each other and discussed that moving in meant next step equals marriage, did not discuss clear timelines. I thought it would happen fairly soon and when it didn’t and we discussed his timeline, I found out that he was not thinking about marriage at all in the near future and maybe in 2-3 yrs more (after already dating 3 yrs). We spent a few months of me being really sad, upset, angry, and having a lot of arguements about why he “wasn’t ready yet”.
Fast forward a couple months and some changes in my job leading me to need to move away in January. Well, Boyfriend or Best Friend tells me he would like to come with me. For visa reasons, we would have to get engaged for that to happen. Boyfriend or Best Friend is comfortabl with this idea, and begins to warm up to the idea of getting engaged.
Well that was like 2-3 months ago. Since then, things have been good. We have looked at rings, talked dates and locations, etc…but it is still dragging out. I know he has not bought a ring yet. Lately, it has been hard for me, since I know of (current count) six couples who have gotten engaged since the beginning of December. Six. I am really anxious for the holiday and being around my family who constantly pressures me. Being around friends who are engaged or married and feeling like I am not good enough to be one of them yet (I know it is in my head). Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have had SEVERAL arguements lately because I told him I feel like it would have been SO much better if he just caught me off guard with a ring and a proposal like six months ago or a year ago. But now it has been dragged out so much, the issue talked to death, that I just feel like I am not even going to be excited about it when it happens. It is not the romantic notion I always imagined it to be. I feel like even if it does happen soon, it will not be anything special after all these couples younger than us or dating less time than us have had their moments and everyone has gotten so excited for them, and I feel like when it happens for us it is just going to be like “oh? finally.” and like….I know I should be thrilled just the fact he finally officially asks me to be his wife but at this point I just feel bitter, resentful, like it was something that I had to push him to do, even though he says it is not and he is so excited to do it and just the way things have gone with me moving made him change his original plan and that I am ruining it by saying that stuff and I know I am but I just feel like so not even happy or excited just bitter and sad and wishing I could reset the clock and everything could be different.
Please do not judge me for this, I am having a mini breakdown right now and I know it is stupid and ridiculous and I should be happy and I hope I can come to terms with everything asap and accept that life rarely gives us exactly what we want, how we want, and get over this feeling, but it just feels so bad right now and I needed to vent. Thanks for listening..