(Closed) Not even married yet and I'm stressing about divorce

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MsHeatFan:  I think that the best way to ease your anxiety is to learn more about relationships than the people you know to be divorced (including your parents). Do a lot of reading and inform yourself. Compare your relationship to expert advice as opposed to people who you fear you will become?

Post # 4
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I worry about divorce, I come from a family full of divorce and it’s scary the statistics (That even if we stay together, our friends might not)

 

Post # 5
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I sometimes worry about it too. My wife and I both come from heavily divorced families… Where our parents are all on their 3rd marriages. I sometimes worry that I’ll fall into that same thinking that “oh we can just get divorced”, or that maybe I have it in my blood. I don’t know. I try to not think about it too much, because even though we aren’t religious, I still really took my vows seriously and intend to be married the rest of our lives. 

Post # 6
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

I thought the same thing when I got married. I’d never get divorced. I didn’t want to be like my parents.  Needless to say, after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids later, I ended up divorced. We just grew apart.  But, our kids didn’t deserve to see us unhappy.  We had a civil divorce and we are friends for the kids sake.  The kids see us both happy in our current relationships and/or marriages and they see how friendly me and the xDH are when we are together.  We don’t talk bad about each other.  I guess it’s all how people get divorced.  If they are selfish, or selfless about it. In our case, we  were selfless – the kids came first in ALL aspects.  Their happiness.  Not ours.  So because of the kids happiness, we are greatfull that our divorce was civil and we were able to move on and be happy.  We teach our kids that  happiness is a main part of life and for them to do what makes them happy.  

Post # 7
Member
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I think everyone needs to think, “Oh, we could end up divorced one day. Something could go wrong.” It makes you more aware of where your relationship is headed. It forces you to put in all the effort you can in order to avoid that – because no one is immune. Things could fall apart. It’s up to us to prevent it and be proactive when bumps do happen.

I do agree with the PP who said to ask what happened in some of your family and friends’ marriages. I think you could learn a lot from them.

Post # 8
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@MsHeatFan:  I think it’s normal to worry about divorce. Just because everyone else got divorced, doesn’t mean you will.

Just be careful when you say “we have no problems”. I am not saying that you do have problems or anything, but be careful not to sweep any issues under the rug. Good communication is the key to good relationships. Unless you’re very lucky, at some point you will have some problems, and that’s ok. It’s all in how you work through them.

Indeed you can only control yourself… like if your husband decides to up and leave, you’re basically powerless.. but I think you can control (at least a bit) that you don’t get to that point. Don’t “let yourself go” physically. Keep doing things to spice the relationship up. Respect him as you would want to be respected. Deal with any issues/problems before they start festering and resentment breeds etc.

Post # 9
Member
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MsHeatFan:  i understand how you feel but i think you need to focus on what you and your fi share and your relationship rather than everyone else’s.  don’t let other people’s failed marriages taint yours.  if you continue to have stress, it will lead to doubt and from there it will snowball.  go into your marriage with a positive attitude.

i too come from a family full of divorces.  everyone in my family (except 1 aunt) have been divorced at least once, including myself and my husband.

even though there is divorce in the world, my husband and i entered our marriage with happiness and hope.  we have a goal to celebrate our 40th and hopefully 50th anniversary together.  (i’m 45 so i’m not looking beyond that).

again, focus on the wonderful relationship that the two of you share.  be the positive influence for everyone else.  set the bar high for your family and friends to see.  enjoy each other.

Post # 10
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Based on the examples of divorces you gave, it sounds like you’re not worried about changing your own mind about divorce, but rather that your husband will fall out of love with you all the sudden like your cousins’ husbands. 

Those husbands were jerks because this apparently came out of nowhere (for your cousins, at least). The foundation of any lasting marriage is communication, and they didn’t bother talking to their wives to let them know they weren’t happy and trying to actually work on their relationships. 

What is your fiance’s stance on divorce? I doubt you have any reason to feel insecure if he loves you, but I would make sure he knows how important communication is to you. If he’s unhappy, make sure he knows to talk to you about it and express his feelings. If he tends to have trouble expressing himself, maybe premarital counseling through your church could be a good option for you two.

Post # 11
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Dont speak that negative word over your marriage (:

my first marriage, when i was 21, divorce wasnt a thought in my mind.  I guess i was one of those people who thought it could never happen to me.  Two years later, we were seperated & i had to learn all about it.

married again now, im aware that divorce is sometimes unavoidable, but not something that i constantly stress about or is my worst fear.  Im in a much better place & have a much stronger relationship.  Im not going to say it will never happen again because none of us know for sure, i honestly just dont think about it.

Dont let anxiety over something that may not ever happen to you make you miss out on all the good stuff!!

Post # 12
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I sometimes have that fear because so many people get divorced. Of course I feel like my relationship is wonderful and I can’t imagine ever not wanting to be together, but isn’t that what everyone thinks when they get married? I’ve talked to my Fiance about it and he is very reassuring. Also, keep in mind that it’s not like people have a perfect relationship and then one day the husband says “I want a divorce” and that’s that. There are problems leading up to it, people may be in denial, but there have to be problems. If you communicate well and are aware of your partner’s feelings, you should be able to deal with these problems before they come to the point of divorce. Surely some problems are too great to fix, but I think if you work at keeping your partner happy and they do the same, you are not likely to get divorced. You can’t live your life in fear. I mean look, you’re probably more likely to get in a car accident than get a divorce, but you still drive your car every day don’t you? That’s why marriage is a big deal, it’s a leap of faith you’re taking with your best friend and all you can do is your best!

Post # 15
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I am lucky to have come from a family that have great relationships and long lasting marriages. My oldest brother being married for over 10 years now and happily so, my other brother for longer, about 15 years? and my parents until death did them part. They were married in their early 20’s and my mother passed away at 65 and let me just say my mother and father went through hell and back but always made it out TOGETHER. There were arguments and fights and disagreements, nothing is perfect but they always worked it out because they knew they got married for a reason that was bigger than their bickering and that was they loved each other and meant it. My mom was ill most of my life (I’m the youngest) and my father took care of her as a doctor would and with great care the entire time.

There were times that i felt bad for him, going to work, coming back and taking care of my mom it was 2 full time jobs, he never got a break but he never wanted my mother to feel alone or unloved because of illness. He would get frustrated at times but he never thought it’d be easier to leave. I guess people are a product of their environment. I have lasting relationships to influence me which helps me to not ever think about divorce being possible.

What the 2 of them endured throughout their 44 years of marriage makes me believe that there is no room for divorce (for me personally). I have positive influence and if you believe in marriage and staying together then stick to that faith and your vows and be good to one another, don’t let the thought of divorce scare you before anything has even had the chance to start because you are setting yourself up for disaster if you do.

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