Not excited about getting married

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2276 posts
Buzzing bee

lucindabee :  I’m gonna be unapologetically harsh here for a couple reasons:

1.) you need it

2.) you deserve it

 

Here goes: getting engaged to him for fear of the relationship ending was a bad move, but slightly forgivable; however, you remaining in this relationship and plotting to marry this guy just because you’re over 30 and afraid of dying along is SELFISH, deceitful, conniving, and unforgivable. I guarantee you that if you told him this was the only reason you agreed to marry him and are simply *settling* for him because you’re afraid he’s the best you can get at this point, he would ditch you in a HEARTBEAT, as any self-respecting human being would.

 

You don’t plan on ending the relationship clearly, but rather proceed in LYING to this man about committing to love, honor, and cherish him for the rest of your lives just because you’re afriad of not finding someone better?? Because make no mistake—those vows would be a lie, because the responses you’ve given thus far have shown nothing to indicate that you truly do love him—you’re merely tolerating him because you’re too selfish to let him go find someone who would truly love him for who he really is because…why, exactly? Why do you think that legally committing yourself to this man who you *already* seem to dislike so much before said commitment? Because those feelings won’t magically go away once you exchange rings.

 

I would be absolutely HEARTBROKEN to know that someone I loved enough to ask to spend the rest of their lives with me only said yes because they thought they’d be alone if they didn’t settle for me…this makes me so sad for him 🙁

Post # 32
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Your situation is tricky as YOU don’t seem to even know what it is you really want to do.

The 2 reasons you gave for accepting his proposal scare me:

1. You are afraid of being alone after having been in arelationship for so long, since most proposals that are turned down do eventually end the relationship.

2. You felt it was the natural next step since you have been together for 2 years or so.

Both reasons are not reason enough to marry someone, you marry someone because you LOVE them and you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with them. As you noted, marriage is a serious step to take and you really shouldn’t jump into it if you aren’t ready. 

It also kind of sounds to me like you might be afraid of the stresses of wedding planning and so you are really magnifying all of his negative traits in a attempt to find a way out.

Try this, maybe talk with him about a smaller, maybe even courthouse, wedding and see if it eases your feelings at all. Alot of couples do this, and then some time (sometimes years) down the line when they are better off financially they may or may not hold a bigger celebration.

Post # 33
Member
4357 posts
Honey bee

It’s always the fear of being alone that leads people to hang on to relationships when they should really let go. You have to ask yourself what you would do if you weren’t afraid.

Post # 34
Member
3784 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

sunburn :  This is an excellent point!

OP, what might happen if you faced your fears and did the scary thing anyways? I did that about 5 years ago. I felt exactly like averagegirl :, I thought love was a choice, that passionate love was only in the movies. One day I looked at my then-husband and thought ” I cant be with this man, doing this same relationship every day for the rest of my life”. If I wanted to be truly happy, I couldn’t stay. That was absolutely terrifying for an over-30 woman who wanted so badly to be married & have a family. But once I was on the path to marriage & kids, I realized that you can have those things and still be unhappy and unfulfilled unless you are doing them with someone who you can be truly happy with. Otherwise you might as well be alone!

I’m now engaged to a man who I cant imagine my life without. I think back to my previous marriage and think how incredibly glad I am that I did the scary thing anyways because I would have missed out on something truly incredible. There is freedom in facing your fears. My life is not at all what I would have expected.. it’s SO much more. And I would have missed all of it if I had stayed because leaving was too scary.

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