Post # 1
FH and I agreed on having kids, goal of 2-3. I don’t know if it’s just a phase, but I can’t imagine being pregnant or having a kid. We are so busy without a kid and have so little alone time and so little together time that I can’t imagine adding a baby to the mix. My brother’s wife is pregnant, a few friends are too, and I am so sick of going to baby showers, and seeing everyone ooh and ahh over baby clothes and such. I get frustrated when I see all these women who were career-focused, independent and fun become obsessed with all things baby. FH really wants kids, but he is not a real kid person (although he has made more of an effort with kids lately). Plus people keep bugging me like it’s their business. So all this scares me that I really don’t want kids, but hoping this is just a phase of “I’ve gone through so much change and want things to settle down a bit.” Anyone else feel like this or am I just crazy?
Post # 3
If you previously agreed to have children you must have wanted them at some point so yes right now I’d say it’s probably a phase 🙂 I am the same. This time last year when we got engaged I was all gung ho about a one year engagement, one year married then TTC. I was very keen on it. But the closer the wedding gets the less I am into it! In fact I am now super keen to start travelling again and possibly live overseas again (something I thought I’d gotten out of my system). I want to do all of this with my soon to be husband of course, but the baby fever has definitely gone for now. Fiance is very happy as he’s not ready yet either 🙂 I’m sure I’ll get to the point where I’m ready but it’s not yet and I think you are probably the same. Of course, it might not be a phase in which case that’s a conversation you have with your Darling Husband but I wouldn’t worry just yet 🙂
Post # 4
i’m much more excited about my career than babies
Post # 5
I think it’s a natural instinct for people to badger newlyweds about starting a family….so even though it’s permeating your life, don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s them! Just politely explain to those who will actually listen the way you did to us, “I’d really like to focus on the current stage of my life right now and enjoy newlywed life with my husband before we make the next step.” Totally fine! =D
Post # 6
While Darling Husband and I want kids, I totally get you. I just can’t get myself excited about it yet, and we also feel like maybe we want to be selfish….once you have kids you’re kind of tied down for a while, no travel, no private, romantic vacations….deciding to have children is a really big, life altering decision, and now that you’re married it probably feels a lot more real. I know it does for us. And so even though we previously talked about it and said that yes, we would like to, it’s totally different making that jump and deciding WHEN to.
Post # 7
Some people need a reminder that a woman is more than her reproductive capacity and that asking questions about reproductive plans or status are inappropriate. No one would ask a married man out of the blue, “how are your swimmers?”
I’m very touchy about this now, going through law school finals, because I don’t appreciate being asked about my reproductive plans when I’m spending all this time and all this frustration creating a fabulous career for myself. No one ever asks my fiance how HE will ever “balance it all.”
I too get extremely frustrated when I see professionally talented women spending most of their time interacting with infants and toddlers. There’s just no intellectual stimulation there. I understand that raising a child is very arguably a more fulfilling job than being a doctor or a lawyer, but it’s frustrating seeing the doctor or lawyer talent going to waste. Why spend all of this time and frustration in graduate school if I’m just going to quit my job in 5 years to raise babies? If women leave professions en masse, it’s a good argument for denying admission to competitive schools to many women, because they do less with their educations. There is much less utility to be gained by a law school educating someone who does nothing or very little with that legal education, so why waste the resources? My future toddler is not going to wax poetic with me about the ramifications of Bell Atl. v. Twombly‘s plausibility requirements. So babies, as far away as possible. I intend to put to use the career that this hard work and frustration is gaining for me.
There is nothing wrong with a woman leaving her career to have children. The only thing I’m concerned about is whether it’s a true choice, or whether those women are to some degree coerced through socialization or pressured by family or society. Don’t act out of coercion, and ignore or correct the people who are pressuring you that they are being rude. You’ll feel ready if or when you feel ready, and that is YOUR decision to make, WHEN you want to make it.