- 3 years ago
I’m hoping some of you are in a similar situation and can help me feel a little better about all this. First off, I am super excited to be married- FI and I are perfect. The issue as always is my family.
We wanted to elope. My parents are religious, middle eastern, and basically freaked out at this prospect, and FI and I decided it would be easier to just have a small wedding. So I started planning a 50 person wedding. That included family, friends, etc. My family gave us $10k for the whole wedding/honeymoon/etc. I decided to have no wedding party, no DJ, etc. to keep the costs down.
Then when I shared the guest list with my mom she got upset. First she said we should move the wedding from MA to NJ because it would be too hard for me to plan. So I did. Then she said the guest list was huge and she thought I wanted a small wedding. I told her that I thought 50 WAS a small wedding, and reminded her that initially we wanted to elope. This made her upset…again.
So then she told me we didn’t have to do a big wedding, and that instead we could keep it really small and have a great honeymoon. This appealed to me so I agreed. FI and I started looking at trips to Iceland and focusing on the honeymoon. She suggested my uncle’s backyard, since it’s free I agreed. At this point we were inviting immediate family only and planning on celebrating with friends a week prior. We were striving to keep the wedding as cheap as possible because basicaly whatever was left over would be for our honeymoon (aka the real fun part).
THEN she insisted we extend it to a few more family members, but that we could absolutely not invite any friends unless we invited our whole extended families first. Because culturally family must always come first. Which would mean the number going way past our original 50. So basically she’s saying no friends, only family (I think part of it is because so many of my friends are gay and would be invited in couples).
She keeps criticizing every decision I make as being too cheap, and then the other day she said I basically shouldn’t worry if there was any left over for a honeymoon because really the money is for a wedding. See how this works? If it’s something I want, it’s excessive. If it’s something she wants, it’s necessary.
I’m dreading dress shopping. She has already mentioned many times how overpriced bridal salons are, and she hates anything straplesss. She thinks I should get a custom dress from some random person- she has no idea what things cost or how risky this is.
So here we are:
Now my guest list is 28 family members (14 for me, 14 for FI). Most of whom I either actively don’t like or whom I hardly know. FI feels the same way about the family on his list. We’re having a restaurant reception. The whole thing is a lunch reception because that’s what my mom wanted. Now she’s saying that after the reception FI and I need to hang out with the family for the entire rest of the day/night, otherwise it’s “rude”.
Plus she’s cracking jokes with my extended family about how “swept up” I am in wedding maddness, which really pisses me off considering everything that’s happening has been for her.
I’m basically a positive person, I try to have gratitude and be an optimist. My FI and I have both talked about kind of dreading the actual wedding day because it’ll be a day surrounded by our families. So to make us feel better we came up with a plan. We’re saving money separately and instead of a honeymoon (since there probably won’t be money left over) we’re going to host a friends weekend. Invite like five or six of our couple friends to a big rented house upstate on a lake for a long 4 day weekend.
We thought this way we could party with our friends and feel like we really celebrated- they’ve all asked that I bring my dress because they want to see me in it. One friend is a photographer, so we can definitely get great pics and everything. My friends are understanding, they know my family isn’t really normal. I’m trying to focus on making this weekend as special as possible. Maybe other bees with conservative/ethnic families can understand this, but for me my friends ARE my real family.
I guess I just want to come to peace with the actual wedding not being as special as the weekend after it. Any tips on making the party weekend extra special would be great. Hearing from anyone in the same situation would be helpful. I just want to feel happy, and I am happy about the marriage, about my FI, about my friends weekend…just not about the wedding day. Anyone else?