(Closed) Not excited about wedding after my mom died

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
421 posts
Helper bee

BrownPlaidBook:  Thank you! When Fiance proposed I wanted to put things on hold as well. My mom was the type of person who would want me to continue my life. So we went through with it but it was very hard to enjoy it. Fiance and I just decided to get married next year because things wouldn’t have been right at all this year. 

I’m learning to cope with it day by day! I know my mom loves me and is here still. I still feel her love.

Post # 17
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I know what you’re going through kind of.  My mom died about 10 years ago, and I always thought she’d be there on my wedding day.  I’m so very lucky that I had my Dad.  Poor guy had to go dress shopping and really stepped up to the plate and took over for my mom.  He had to hear about wedding colors and dresses for FG/BMs.  He listened to and gave some opinions mostly he just sat and smiled at the whole thing lol.   I wasn’t very tight with my ILs and that was probably my own fault of not wanting to forget I already had a mom and a family that I was very very close to.  Not to mention that this is DH’s second marriage, I thought maybe we’d elope.  My Dad is the one that sat me down and said that my mom would be furious if I let her rule the day and the happy emotions get taken over by sad ones.  He said she raised me better than that. My husband & I deserved a day with both of our families, the people that would be there for the long haul, that by us getting married we were making a bigger family and it should be celebrated. 

I call my Mother-In-Law “mom” now, and she’s been there for me through some pretty hard times, just like my mom would be.  It does get less painful as time moves on.  July was 10 years and yeah I sat in my car before work and bawled my ass off, and I was shocked and mostly caught off guard.  But I’m so glad that our families have a day of pictures and memories to look back on from my wedding day.  You’re Mom must have been a very strong woman, raising a kid on your own isn’t easy but she helped form the person you are, the person that loves your Fiance and you’re strong too.  Think about it and I’m sure you’ll come up with what’s right for you. Give your in-laws a chance 😀

Post # 18
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

peonytuliplove:  First of all, hugs to you!  I totally understand your situation.  I lost my mom almost a year ago and then got engaged a few months later.  My mom and I always talked about my wedding and I know she was so excited for me and so happy that I found someone amazing to share my life with.

At first I felt so “guilty” about going through this all without her.  I know my Fiance wanted a big wedding (even though he wouldn’t admit it) and his mom would be heartbroken if we eloped, so here we are, getting married in two months.  I also knew my mom would want me to move on with my life and enjoy this special time.

When I went for my first dress fitting they were able to cut a piece of lace from my mom’s wedding dress and sew it to mine, so she will be with me all day.  I was also thinking of having a moment of silence for her during the ceremony as well.

The best advice I could give you is to listen to your heart…it will tell you what to do!

Post # 19
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - backyard in the woods

I understand how you feel. My mom was killed 6 months after I got engaged. Planning my wedding without her was HARD. Every decision I made, I felt like I should be making with her by my side. A month or so before she was killed I went to try on dresses with her for my cousin’s wedding, in which I was to be Maid/Matron of Honor. My mom got really into it, trying on dresses to pick one out for my wedding. I told her to pick whatever she wanted. Of course, she chose a prom-like fire engine red strapless number. I should have seen that coming- it was so like her. I was so stressed out about it at the time. Later, I would have given give anything to have had her there in that fire-engine red dress at my wedding.

My advice to you is to do what feels right to you. No one who has not lost their mother can understand what you are going through. They might try, and can be very empathetic, but they won’t ‘get it’. All of the ‘memorialize her by……’ posts are well intentioned, but not enough. I went dress shopping and bought my dress on her birthday, so that I felt like she was there with me. I wore a veil, which I had sworn not to do, because my mom was so insistent on it. I wore her wedding ring on my right hand during the wedding. These worked for ME. Do what works for you. Only you know your mom the way you did and only you know how you feel. If that means eloping, then elope. Maybe elope in private and then have a small intimate ceremony for his folks to make your fiance happy? Discuss your feelings with your future husband. Only his and your opinions matter in this. Everyone else will get over it.

Post # 20
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

I am so so sorry, I’m so sorry.  I was married just seven months before my dad died really unexpectedly, and even though that marriage broke up, I’m eternally grateful that he and my mom walked me down that aisle, that I have video of him at my wedding, that he blessed the challah with the Southern Baptist twist- I laughed and cried at the same time, and I do again just thinking about it.

Now that I’m planning to be married again, I really wish I could just elope, so I won’t feel his loss quite so much, in the space around us.  But that won’t work for us.  But it’s been four years since his death, and we haven’t set a date yet- it is nowhere near as fresh as it is for you.  But, still, you always feel it.

I don’t have any original thoughts.  To me, it makes sense to have a long engagement and put off wedding planning for a while.  If you know some of the things you absolutely want, you might use this time to get some great deals. Boring stuff, like napkins and table rentals and blah blah blah. But if you just don’t want to deal with it, that is one hundred percent fine.  

I would look into bereavement groups.  I’m not saying this because you’re not excited about your wedding and that makes you broken. (It makes you normal.) I’m saying that because support from people who have more of a clue can make a difference, can be a bridge when you need one.

When you do get married, one thing I’ve seen is that my cousin, who lost her mom to cancer, and her husband, whose mom had also died, set aside a small table at their reception “for those who cannot be with us today.”  It was very sweet.

*hugs* Congratulations, and I know your mom would be very happy for you.

Post # 21
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Hey sweet bees !

I lost my mom 6 months ago from breast cancer (she was only 41). I had never ever thought only a second that I’d lose my mom so early in life. She was my bestfriend, my shoulder to cry on, my everything. I’m 20 and soon to be engaged and I feel your pain. I’m always really emotionnal when I think about all the things others will do with their mom like dress shopping, planning, and more ! But, keep in mind that whoever you lost will always remain in your heart. I know my mom will be watching once I get engaged and marry. I know she’d have been proud and happy for me. I’m sending love to all of you who lost someone close to your heart. Life goes on, keep that in mind and make the people you lost proud of you, they’re never really far.

Also, I’m pretty sure your fiance will understand how you feel. Take time for yourself. Don’t rush anything. If you are not exited about your wedding right now, it doesnt mean you’ll never be, maybe it’s just too early. Loosing someone you love so much is a very hard ordeal, give yourself time to feel better, to accept the way things are now.

Hugs hugs and more hugs !

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  sweetbee7810.
Post # 22
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Weddings have so many traditions and compenents that are condusive to the perfect family situation. When you don’t have one of those it really does bring up all sorts of negative feelings. Which is only further emphasized because a wedding day is supposed to be the “best day of your life.”

My family situation is not normal. Whenever my fiance and I talked about traditional it honestly sounded like the most miserable day of my life. (I was 99.9% sure I would end up crying down the aisle. Not happy tears.) In fact I think i can personally identifry with every single thing you say you’ve been feeling.

So know that what you are feeling is normal. Do the day however sounds the happiest for you. Don’t worry about what you are “supposed” to do. Choose what will feel the happiest for yourself. If the answer is eloping, go for it. If simply swapping around some traditions day of to honor her will help, go for it. You will know in your heart what feels right.

My bet is also that just talking about it will help you tremmendously. Getting your feelings out into the universe is a really helpful and healthy release, so good job identifying and talking about your emotions.    

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