Not fighting about money but looking for tips to help him develop better habits?

posted 5 months ago in Finances
Post # 16
Member
14891 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

sunworshipbride :  He doesn’t make a lot of money.  I do.

But if you’re splitting the bills equally percentage based on income, he should have the same amoutn of money left over too?

Post # 17
Member
2374 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

sunworshipbride :  The only thing I can think of is you making a visual representation of his spending habits. Most people are visual learners and need to see their finances in front of them. I would (if you have access to this info) make a month by month budget. Show him how much money he has coming. How much he puts towards bills. How much he spends on groceries, gas, work related things, etc. And then how much he spends on fun things like eating out or shopping. Some people need to see these things in front of them.

And I would honestly be freaking livid. That’s terrible that you’re basically paying his way and he can’t even freaking save a few hundred dollars for a house or his baby. It’s sad. 

As a side note: what kind of job does he have? Is a promotion possible? Does he have room for growth? Could he get a better paying ft job? 

Post # 18
Member
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

My fiance and I are doing the Financial Peace University together after the wedding. We wanted to do it at the end of last year, but his dad passed away and with all of the wedding expenses, we decided to just wait until after, instead of “breaking rules” to pay things that have to be paid now. Do a financial course together. It will be motivating for him to have someone to do it with and you can come up with shared goals. Plus its always great to refresh your memory of everything! And that way its not you giving him an allowance. Its him learning the skills and you two working on shared goals together. 

Before that, you absolutely need to change all passwords/pins on shared accounts. I have no idea how you didn’t freak out after he took money out of the baby savings fund. 

Post # 19
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Why not visit a financial planner together and figure it out? It’s hard to keep a true partnership if you’re the one holding him accountable and deciding what should happen. Maybe he’ll straighten up a bit if there’s an outside source involved.

FWIW I’d also consider a couple sessions with a counselor. It sounds like you two have very different attitudes towards money and could probably stand to talk it out with a third party. Open and honest communication is so important, especially with a baby coming. Keeping finances separate and having a severe income disparity is also probably quite stressful, not to mention the fact that the finances are separate because you (quite rightly) don’t quite trust that he has his act together yet when it comes to money. I’m not sure pushing him so strongly towards a part time job is the answer unless it was his idea in the first place or there is a severe lack of money. Being stressed and overworked will just add another layer of complications to things.

Best of luck and congratulations on the pregnancy 🙂

Post # 20
Member
4998 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The whole situation is insane really.  You are married, having a baby and you are leaving him to pay off 5k of debit on his low salary?  

Of course he is going to be living pay check to pay check since getting married if he makes a really low amount of money and has debt!  You say you split the bills proportionally, but you you say that you just split rent – is the rent 50/50?

What is his salary?  Is he buying a new playstation every fortnight or is it the ocasional dinner or drinks with friends?  It doesn’t sound like he is great with money but how bad he is really depends on how much he earns. 

I still can’t wrap my head around being married to someone, the fact that you are pregnant and you are saving $800 a month, on top of paying 2k towards student loans while he struggles to get to the end of the month and try to pay high interest debt on his low salary. 

I also think the $20 ‘fine’ you have set up is really unfairly weighted towards him.  You can afford to go to yoga and lunch and still pay the $20 but it is much more of a struggle for him. 

When my fiance I and started getting serious and started our adult jobs I sat him down and explained my financial methods.  I told him what I was spending and saving and I looked at his salary and suggested he do the same split % of saving.  We both agreed that a home was our priority so the money we saved wasn’t something we could dip into, basically ever.  However people have different mentalities when it comes to saving, some save a different amount every month depending on their bills that month and it works for them.  For me I had to save the exact amount every month to feel motivated and feel like I was on track. 

Have you ever sat down and truly discussed finances as a team?

As a side, I could never save 2.8k a month and have my husband go out and slave away at a minimum wage job all weekend after working all week.  Where is the quality of life for you as a couple? 

Post # 21
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

zzar45 :  I agree with this – it makes zero sense to be paying credit card interest when, as a marital unit,  you have enough money to pay it off. That’s such a giant waste of money to prove a point. I think this is why joint finances work best – my husband and I put all of our money into the same checking account, all of the bills get paid from it, and we have the same allowance each week. It doesn’t matter that I make $20k/year more than him because we’re a team. If my husband couldn’t be trusted I would take over and put his weekly spending money into a separate checking account – once it’s gone he’s out of luck until the next week. Not that I advocate for treating your spouse like a child, but you can’t let him sink the whole ship either. 

Post # 22
Member
2374 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you know in the back of your mind that this is not a good situation, which is why you are continuing to keep everything separate.  However, you are married with a child on the way.  Making him struggle to pay off his debt to teach him a lesson is not really condusive to a strong team.

I know this will probably be an unpopular opinion, but here goes nothing…

At this point, his debt is your debt.  If I had the means, I would pay off the credit card debt for him, make him close ALL of his credit card accounts, and then put him on a cash allowance until further notice.  Give him the chance to start clean and learn to spend within his means.  You are a partnership and if you have the ability to put away $800/month in savings while he is struggling to get through the month, you are doing a disservice to the partnership.  

 

Post # 23
Member
2374 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh wait, I guess it’s not that unpopular of an opinion.

And my SO and I do not have joint finances and never plan to, but we still consider all the money “our” money.  I make a lot less than he does and while I do ok (no CC debt), if I can’t max out my IRA for the year, he has offered to do it for me.  And we aren’t even married yet.

 

Post # 24
Member
9249 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

zzar45 :  This exactly. OP hasn’t specified what exactly he’s spending his money on, or if she spends the same amount. I think it’s insane that she’s expecting him to get a second job while she has $2k+ extra income every month.

Unless he’s literally blowing every dollar on toys and bullshit, it just seems very unfair IMO.

Post # 25
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

I think some PP are being overly harsh with you. I think you’re being extraordinarily patient with your husband and, having been in your shoes before, I admire you for not having blown your top. Yes, marriage is supposed to be a partnership and you help each other out of crises when you are both putting in a good faith effort to move forward financially—but none of that applies here because your husband is not acting in good faith. He’s using you to get 75% of his bills paid while he blows his minimum wage paycheck on alcohol. Alcohol that he, apparently, prioritizes over his child. If he had a lot of debt from a medical emergency or something else outside his control, it would be a good act of solidarity to help him pay it off. But it’s not fair for you to keep bending over backward to facilitate his profligate spending habits. 

I don’t believe there’s such a thing as being “bad with money.” Arithmetic isn’t that hard, nor is the concept that money is finite. Some people have someone to bail them out and subsidize a life they can’t afford and they’re entitled enough to take advantage of it. My advice, honestly, after having fought this battle and getting swindled out of my life savings in my first marriage, is to cut this guy loose for your sake and the baby’s. Don’t let your child watch somebody take advantage of you and spend your rent money on booze.

Post # 26
Member
4998 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

aclockworklilac :  Wow you know the absolute minimum about their financial situation, what he earns, how much their bills are and yet you recommending divorce?! 

Post # 27
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

I know he stole money from his wife (and child) to go out drinking and that would be enough to do it for me. 

Its not fair that so many people on this board are telling this woman it’s her responsibility to take care of a deadbeat. I’ve been through it my husband has been through it with his deadbeat ex, and I can tell you firsthand that this type of person doesn’t change until they have to. 

zzar45 :  

Post # 28
Member
4998 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

aclockworklilac :  And i’m sure you would call a wife who earned a lot less than her husband a “deadbeat”…

Post # 29
Member
9249 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

aclockworklilac :  He’s a deadbeat because he makes a lot less than her and spent $30 on drinks with his friends, while she had so much extra she could put $2k towards a student loan? 

We don’t have all the information here. Maybe he is 100% irresponsible with money. Or perhaps OP expects a certain lifestyle that isn’t compatible with his paycheck. If her husband doesn’t have any spare “fun” money left over, maybe they need a cheaper apartment, cars etc.

Regardless, they aren’t working as a team here. Letting your husband rack up interest on a credit card to teach him a lesson is absolutely ridiculous.

And if they get divorced it’s likely she would be paying him child support once the baby is born.

Post # 30
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

It isn’t gender or income that makes you a deadbeat. It’s spending all your money on extras while you allow (or force) your spouse to cover your essential expenses. Sorry if this seems to extreme for you, but entitlement really, REALLY pisses me off.

 

As a practical concern, I learned during my previous marriage that I couldn’t legally take my husband (who overdrew our account a few times a month) off the account until I legally divorced him. So the suggestions to cut off his access are, depending on the state, not legally possible. zzar45 :  

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors