Not fighting about money but looking for tips to help him develop better habits?

posted 4 months ago in Finances
Post # 46
Member
14881 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Holy hell, 5k in debt since you got married 7 months ago after you already paid off his previous debt!?  Seriously, I dunno how there’s not a fight about it.  You’re a fucking saint.  Unfortunately, you can’t control how he opens up credit cards, but I’d make sure he’s not using your social and adding you as cosigner to get better credit or some shady stuff like that.  If he’s willing to secretly go into that much consumer debt, who knows what he’d do.  Sound like he seems to think he’s married his cash cow and doesnt have to worry about how he spends anymore.  And yeah, the house… there’s no way in hell i’d put his name on that.  

Post # 47
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow what a crappy situation to be in. I would say you should never have married him being that he is so irresponsible with money and doesn’t seem to have the potential or desire to get a job that could fund the lifestyle he wants.  At this point, I like the idea that another poster mentioned of taking over finances and putting him on a cash only plan/allowance. Would he be willing to stay home with the baby/future children while you are the working parent? Maybe this would be an option if his pay is less than daycare if you plan to use that.

Post # 48
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2018

sunworshipbride :  We have one joint account and then our own personal account. They are all linked. We each get the same amount for a monthly allowance, and everything else goes into joint. All bills, groceries, jobs related expenses, etc come out of joint. We also pay off debt (together) through the joint. We each get $150/month until debt is paid. I’m a saver, so my spending money adds up. He gets down to $1 at the end of each month, but the spending money is a no judgement zone. If he doesn’t have money left at the end of the month, he doesn’t do the thing (guys night, concert, etc). I’ve had to cut this to no exceptions because he would find himself with nothing left midway through the month and then something he wanted to do. Originally I would then just give us each an extra $50, but at this point (I’m 2 mo pregnant) we are both working extra jobs to pay off debt and zero exceptions.  At this point, I do all the budgeting. Yes, I wish he had this skill, but he doesn’t, but this is my strength so I do this part of our life. 

Post # 49
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee

So I have been in a similar position but I was the one spending. My husband and I got together when we were very young and with my mother I had to be financially independent once I was 16. It caused me to have a lot of debt and I wasn’t making much at my minimum wage part time job. So I racked up alot of debt. 

Once we were more serious together and lived together we gave each other access to our accounts and that is honestly what helped me the most. Since my husband now pays our credit card bill (which is all that we use and then pay it off each month) he goes through everything that I spend and when we were just dating he would go through it randomly and ask me about some expenses. This really held me accountable for what I spent my money on and if I got embarrassed by something he asked me that I spent my money on I knew it was a bad decision and that really helped me second guess what I was paying.

 

We now have great habits. My schooling is completely paid off and we own our own home and looking to move this year to a bigger home. We are also pregnant and there is no way my husband would have been okay having a baby without us being in a good financial position. 

You honestly need to get this under control start and stop mothering him and getting him out of the messy situations he gets himself in. Those are his decisions and with a baby on the way these habits are only going to get worse as expenses go up. 

Post # 50
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

 

I am so nervous for you because you have a baby arriving in about 6 months and that time is going to fly. 

What’s the plan financially when you can’t work with the baby? How much parental leave do you both get? What’s the long term plan? 

I think you need to go to marriage counselling and to see a financial advisor pretty much this week. 

The fact that he withdrew money from the baby account is a HUGE red flag to me 

 

Post # 51
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Um better get a post-nup. Unless you have a prenup or post-nup in place, it’s all coming out of the community pot. If y’all get divorced over this the court will give zero sh*ts which accounts y’all personally consider separate and which ones joint, if you don’t already have a written agreement in place delineating such.  

If you view everything as one pot, then the path becomes clear—credit card debt goes first.  Because you putting the money in savings? What is that earning, 2% interest max? Versus the credit card debt COSTING YOUR COMMUNITY POT what like 10 times as much interest? Would cost you less money if you pay off the credit cards once in a while and rack it all up again (because, say, now you need to use the credit cards for bills rather than being able to use savings to pay bills), than what you’re losing now, letting the old debt stand snowballing that 20% APR indefinitely.  

Bottom line he obviously can’t be trusted with money and it ain’t changing anytime soon, so I would take over ALL the reins while working towards the long term.

Should you have to? Hell no.  But other than that or divorce I don’t see another way.  When you have a leak in your boat, plug it first THEN plan at your leisure how you will prevent future leaks.  Or if the leak is too much to plug then you just need to abandon ship.  Don’t just sit there telling the hole at the bottom of your boat that it needs to and should get smaller of its own accord—Not gonna happen. 

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