(Closed) not friend, sister, mother, FSIL or MIL but FIANCE …stealing my thunder!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You’re third post sounds very different that your first ones.  Honestly, I’m not sure if you’re having issues with your Fiance, your parents, or his parents – or a combination of all three.  

 

You talked about not feeling loved and appreciated.  People express love differently.  I actually recently bought the book “The 5 Love Languages” just to read with my Fiance for the fun of it.  It’s really interested and provides some insight into how you yourself feel loved the most, how your spouse does etc.  I’m not saying that your feelings aren’t valid, because they are.  You’ve identified your feelings, so you have to decide what YOU want to do about it – you can’t change how other people behave, but you can change your response.  

Post # 19
Member
4122 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok, please don’t get me wrong, but just because he came from “wealth” doesn’t mean he didn’t also have to work for what he has earned. 

Marriage is about the TWO of you. Not about he or she, or I… it shouldn’t be about the man OR woman being the head of house… it’s about working together as co-heads. It’s “giving of yourself for the good of the beloved.” Not about, MY needs and MY wants and ME. 

It sounds to me like you two need to sit down and discuss roles and what you are thinking of marriage and what you’re expecting in your marriage… and it sounds like it needs to be done with a counselor.  I understand why you’re feeling hurt, but it seems your pushing a lot of your pain with your dad and other issues onto your Fiance and his family and their relationship… We’re required to go to pre-marital counseling and I highly rec it to all engaged couples.  These are things you really need to discuss with him, because it sounds like you are taking a lot out on him that honestly isn’t really his fault… 

My dads family is like your FI’s family. None of the brothers wives ever can get in a word, especially with my uncle. Because of it, my dad isn’t like that… but… when he’s at the table with his family, you best believe it goes back tot he boys club. I wouldn’t have it any other way… even though it IS frustrating when you try and talk and cant… 🙂 They’re family and I love them for their faults too.

Post # 21
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Your FI’s family sounds a lot like my husband… he has two sisters as well as a brother, but the girls are just as loud and out there as the boys are!

I don’t want to try to advise on any of the deeper issues that have been touched on, but as to interacting with them or feeling left out, this is what I did: observe for a while, learn their language patterns and what little phrases or tones of voice mean “This is important” or “Pay attention to me”. Then try to speak like them… yell too, if you have to! It may feel artificial at first, and it doesn’t have to become your only way of speaking, but when in Rome, right? It sometimes takes in-laws a while to really “get” why their son/daughter/brother/sister is marrying this person, usually because of the old opposites attract thing. HTH!

Post # 22
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I never bought into the notion that the big day is all about the bride.  I think the groom deserves just as much attention, opinion, and story-telling as the bride does.  I’m somewhat of a feminist too, and I believe that door swings both ways.  I expect to have all the rights and priviledges of my future husband, and at the same time, he should expect to have the right and priviledge to share equally in our wedding spotlight.

That said, he shouldn’t be interrupting you ever.  It’s kind of disrespectful in a way.  I can see why you didn’t like him “stealing your thunder.”  When you sit down with your Future Mother-In-Law to talk about wedding stuff, that’s kind of a girl’s time, and your Fiance should just go play with the boys in the other room while you gals talk.  🙂

As far as no one asking to see your ring, I’m actually not surprised.  Only one man I know asked to see my ring when we got engaged, and that was my own father.

Post # 23
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It seems to me like you should re-evaluate how your going to deal with your Future In Laws. Weather you like it or not if you marry your Fiance you will have to live with them the rest of your lives. Right now you seem to have a very negative attitude towards them and I think you need to get over it & accept them or decide how your going to deal with it before you marry into their family. Every family is different. Every family communicates and talks different. If they are a very loud talkative family you either have to speek up or sit back and soak it all in. If that’s how they are that’s how they are. They’re not going to change to help you fit in.

It seems like you need to have a pretty in depth conversation with your Fiance about how his interrupting you makes you feel. (although u said you already did). He needs to repect that or if he doesn’t you need to decide if you can live with it or not. It’s not good to be trying to change somebody. You need to also talk to him about the family and tell him that it would be helpful if he would try to include you in more of the conversation so you feel more compfortable.

Post # 24
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you have a lot more ‘issues’ to deal with than not being heard at the dinner table. Haven’t you been engaged a little over a week with your wedding itself pretty far in the future? Seems to me you might want to relax a little before you alienate everyone who cares about you.

You’ve mentioned vivacious and controlling in describing your role models, but would you describe yourself the same way? If you’re more of the latter and are worried about your ‘training’ of your fiance being undone by his brothers & family, you may want to consider some counceling to help you find some kind of balance in your thinking. You aren’t talking about a puppy here!

You sound so insecure and demanding, I hope it doesn’t ruin your relationship.

Post # 26
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - Philippe Park

I’m going to go ahead and agree with what’s already been said here. There definitely seems to be a lot of issues in this relationship and I would suggest seeking out a professional for the both of you to sort out these problems together. An internet forum, while helpful, isn’t going to get you anywhere as far as your relationship issues go.

In all honesty, you seem like you posted here to find people to agree with your situation, and since the majority of them aren’t 100% agreeing with you, you’re going on the defensive when really, these people are just trying to be helpful and help you see the situation from more than just your own angle.

edit: “finally a bee with a backbone” …wow.

Post # 27
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Wow–I don’t know how this thread has gotten where it’s gotten.  But we’ve gone from you being upset that your Fiance interrupted you at dinner with his family to discussing your “spoiled brat of a FI” who doesn’t work very hard, your insistence that you won’t change, and your concern that your “training” of him might be undone.  All of these things are very troublesome, and I’ll be honest, I don’t think they have a lot to do with the original problem.  You’re attacking other bees–“finally a bee with a backbone”–which is not what the Hive is about.  I agree with PP, I think a counselor might be a good idea, because I’m not sure that you’re in a good place with regards to your impending marriage.  Maybe a little time and a little more maturity will help, but some very serious conversations in the meantime would be a good idea.  Good luck.

Post # 28
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree with Rainbow. It sounds like you just wanted someone to coddle you and say, “yes, you are right. He was being so rude and insensitive.”

Now, because I don’t know your full situation, I can’t respond to the unloved comments. But, just sit back and think about this for a minute. Is this all in your head because you have romanticized this idea of what being engaged was and expect everyone else to conform to how you feel? It’s you and your FI’s wedding, there is a strong possibility that the other 7 billion people on this earth may not be as excited as you are. And, if someone wants to know how he feels, that’s ok, too.

Post # 30
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I feel like you are in a very emotional state as you’re writing right now and might not be thinking clearly. I can only hope that you don’t actually feel this way. Honestly, why are you marrying him if you feel that he’s a spoiled brat you need to train? Would you say these things about him and his family to his face? If you think so horribly of him, how can you say that you two are fine? 

EDIT

PS Just because someone doesn’t train and control their Fiance doesn’t mean they “obey” him. There is such as thing as having equal roles in the relationship – maybe you should try to get there in yours.

Post # 31
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think anyone implied that they are second to their husband/SO… respect has to go both ways. 

The topic ‘not friend, sister, mother, FSIL or MIL but FIANCE …stealing my thunder!’ is closed to new replies.

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