Not getting along with DH bff

posted 6 days ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Why can’t your husband just see him by himself? Every weekend seems extreme. Why does he need to see his friend that often? Someone that has a wife and kids shouldn’t be dedicating every evening of his weekend to anyone but his family. We are pregnant and don’t even have kids yet and my husband wouldn’t spend any of his weekend nights with a guy friend, much less multiple nights. I would start there. And there is no reason you need to feel like you have to spend time with this friend. You don’t like him, so don’t see him. Husband can do that on his own time. And time that isn’t going to intrude on what should be family time. He can go grab one beer at a bar in the afternoon and then come home. Or golf once a month.    

Post # 4
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2021

View original reply
kstir2015 :  these guys seem immature.  sorry.  he enjoys the sense of freedom he is having with his friend(s) and that means he is not entirely used to the idea of being married or feels too tied down and this is his relief.  Believe it or not, male friends get really annoyed when their best pals get married.  This guy is totally rude because he resents you and maybe even jealous.  Either way this is so negative.  You don’t like his friend is right.  I wouldn’t either if my Fiance chose his friend over me in any circumstance.  It’s not about hubs going out once in a while to have fun, it’s that he’d rather be anywhere else and his friend is a negative influence and does not respect your marriage.  Your husband is confused about marriage.  You should seek counseling on your own and then invite your hubby to do the same — following the guidelines of your therapist.  Only then will you discover if this marriage is worth it and how to handle the third wheel.  If you continue on this current path, you will wind up getting a divorce.

Post # 5
Member
2817 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You say every weekend evening but then say Fridays. Does your husband also go out every Saturday? Can y’all compromise and make sure that you get Saturday nights together? 

Post # 6
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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HisMoon :  this. Maybe you can have time with one of your friends on Fridays? It’s healthy to have friendships outside of marriage.

Post # 7
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

You aren’t making him choose. He’s put himself in this position by not shutting down his friend’s rude behavior to you.

Post # 8
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

It’s healthy for both of you to have your own friends. You were invited but chose to stay home so I don’t know why you are upset. The friends have beers on Friday if you don’t want to go then don’t but don’t be upset that he still goes.

It just sucks that he chose to go there and do nothing instead of staying home with me and do nothing.” You are saying you don’t mind him going and you staying home is an easy fix but then this comment does really make it seem like you are trying to get him to choose. Cutting his best friend out of his life and having the two of you be your only friends is not healthy.

If you are not going to be okay with him hanging out with his best friends without you then you need to speak to his bff and fix it. H and I hang out with our friends together but I also hang out with my friends by myself. H would not have any fun hanging out with us.

Post # 9
Member
9012 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

But he isn’t doing nothing. He is spending time with his friend which is a very healthy thing to do. 

It is also acceptable for this friend to make his boundaries very clear and not hosting kids or dogs at his house is 100% his right. 

View original reply
kstir2015 :  

Post # 10
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

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kstir2015 :  He feels like your making him choose because you are. Stop. He will resent you for it. His friend may be rude and anal about dogs and children (I wouldn’t like someone who did that either), but at the end of the day it is his friend.

The setup you’ve got going now is fine, he goes to his friends once a week and you stay home. Have one of your own friends round or do something you like with the time, or just relax and have “me time”. You feel like your nagging and making him choose because you are. Don’t become that wife. Stop now and turn back while Ye still can for danger lies ahead.

Post # 11
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee

Every weekend night? Like he good Friday, Saturday and Sunday every week or just every Friday? Cause there is a massive difference with this.

I’m going off with the assumption that it’s only Friday night. I’m not exactly sure of the problem. Can’t you spend time together rest of the weekend? He does his thing on Friday and you can do yours. If you liked the friend, would you think differently? 

Post # 12
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

He’s seeing his friend too often. Once a week is too much. Let me guess, the friend was friends with your husband before you came into the picture? Some people think their friends should always be just as available even after they get into a relationship. I had a friend who became bitter when I met my husband, even bullied me about seeing him more than her. I cut her off. I really liked her too and still have a soft spot for her but cannot be friends with someone who wants me to keep acting like I’m single. You also said his friend has a girlfriend but isn’t as serious. I know this type of guy. They want all their friends at their beck and call and don’t want the woman in their life to get in the way. Could also be the reason for his bad attitude, you took his bro away. Needs to grow up. But if he ever found a woman he’s serious about, your husband will NEVER get a hold of him. Funny how this plays out sometimes!

Post # 13
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
yassim :  How is once a week to much? I have brunch with my girls once a week. Even my mother has coffee with her friends once a week. That’s just weekly scheduled meet ups not all the other things we do together. It’s healthy to have other relationships.

Your friend bullying you for spending more time with your boyfriend than her is not what is going on here. It in no way sounds like this guy wants OP’s husband to act single, they are all friends and hang out together. 

Healthy relationships have a good friend and SO balance. 

Post # 14
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t believe spouses can’t hang out with their friends on the weekend. However , if he’s literally doing this every Friday and Saturday night then that’s just off to me – do you ever get a date night or quality time yourselves just the two of you on a non work night?

The other issue is that this friend is being a dickhead to you, and your husband, rather than shutting that down, is playing the victim and being a coward with his whiny “don’t make me pick sides!” Bullshit. That would piss me off more than anything. If my husband had a friend who routinely disrespected me and my husband not only sat by allowing it to happen, but continued prioritizing spending time with that friend over ME… we’d have a huge problem. 

Post # 15
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

He works with this guy, so he sees him plenty. The could or likely already do lunch together during the week at work already. If they want to grab a few beers after work on Friday and then your husband is home by 7? That’s reasonable. But no your husband doesn’t need to spend all Friday evening until 10-midnight with this friend. You grab drinks with your girls Friday night, he does the same and you meet at home at 7. 

And you need to make it clear that his friends rude and condescending comments to you will not continue. If he isn’t willing to tell his friend to stop then you will, and If you do it, you certainly won’t be as nice as he would be. 

 

OP, can you give me some examples of things this friend says to you? I can help you come up with appropriate reply’s to him when he says things that are rude but I need to hear what type of comments he makes to you. 

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