Post # 1
Member
2558 posts
Sugar bee
Just wondering if other people have experienced this:
i went above and beyond for my friend as her BM, she was focused only on the wedding and I listened to non stop chatter about it and responded to emails and helped her make decisions, and threw her an extravagant bachelorette party and went to all the dress fittings, wore what she wanted, made a speech, attended all showers and the rehearsal dinner, etc. It was all she could think about then, I did it all, and I was genuinely happy and excited for her.
When it was my turn 3 years later, I didn’t get the same in return, not even close. She wasn’t excited for me, she didn’t respond to emails or messages, she was rude and short, she accused me of being too caught up in the excitement, she didn’t make a speech, didn’t come to any fittings, bought the wrong colour shoes and then was pissed when I reminded her that I has asked them to buy black, was late to the rehearsal and held us up waiting and then left early, missed half the people on the bachelorette invite list, she had a year to make babysitting arrangements and didn’t because she didn’t ‘think’ about it, so they left early from the wedding, didn’t give us a gift or even a card, and then said she was only in the wedding because she agreed until I said otherwise.
I know it shouldn’t be tit for tat, but it just doesn’t seem fair. If someone went above and beyond for me, I would remember it and do the same when I could. I just think that’s pretty sh*tty to be so cold when she knows it was all about her when it was her turn.
Post # 3
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
I wonder if she was a bit jealous that her time in the spotlight was over and that it was your turn now. Definitely sounds like she’junto a very good friend.
Post # 4
Member
2534 posts
Sugar bee
I don’t think this is really about “turns,” or getting anything in return but stepping up to the plate… which your friend really didn’t do. In fact, it sounds like she dropped the ball.
Life goes on, and lesson learned.
The bummer is that not all lessons are things you want to learn!
Post # 5
Member
8067 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
You are right it is not tit for tat. So I think you need to stop comparing.
I’m sorry you feel let down by your BM but maybe she is going through something? could her marriage be in trouble or her or someone in her family sick? Are they under finacial pressure?
How was your relationship in the three years between her wedding and your wedding?
Post # 6
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
There are stories like this all the time on here and I think what a lot of brides miss is that you shouldnt expect anyone to do anything for you. Moreover if you do something for someone else do it altruistically, not because you expect them to be the same way when its your turn. I used to have a REALLY hard time with my expectations of others and often felt they “should” simply because I would/did (insert whatever situation you want to here). BUT I have since learned no one in this world owes us shit and if we need something from someone, let it be known. That way when you see them dropping the ball, you can cut your losses immediately and have someone else pick up where they dropped off. It sucks and people suck but that unfortunately is the way of this crappy world. Its sad that this happened but I hope you were focused on the beauty of your day and not those sucking the life out of you.
Post # 7
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee
@Sunshine09: wow. It sounds like she had no interest in your wedding. That’s so unfair. I would be upset too. Just for her utter lack of care and disregard of your feelings.
ETA: I don’t get how post after post there are people on here who think the bride is being ridiculous for her expectations of the bridesmaids (not necessarily) in this post. No things shouldn’t be “tit for tat” but a friend shouldn’t just drop the ball and do crap as your MOH or bridesmaid. They should help you and they should be planning things because that’s what good friends do. And it’s fine to be upset and angry when you give everything for your friend and she treats you like dirt in comparison. If she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and do those things she should have said no.
Post # 8
Member
2558 posts
Sugar bee
@FoxyBride14: Yeah, I was upset and stressed the whole way along planning simply chasing her down and trying to figure out why she being was so cold. Wasted so much energy. I really just think I was an inconvenience for her. Lesson learned, I didn’t even really have expectations per se, just would have been nice for my friend to show some care and consideration. Not much of a friend really as it turns out. That should just be natural, no? (Natural care and interest I mean, at least respond to frickin messages where you’re being asked your opinion or to confirm scheduling, geez try to look somewhat alive at least)
Post # 9
Member
12614 posts
Honey Beekeeper
While it sucks, weddings aren’t comparisons. It shouldn’t be “well I did this for you so you do this for me.” If you had problems with her lack of effort, you could have confronted her. But honestly, all she needed to do was buy the dress and show up at the wedding.
I wouldn’t hold the childcare against her – people get finnicky with their childcare arrangements and no one can judge that. Perhaps she wasn’t comfortable leaving her child with a sitter, or perhaps the sitter fell through.
Post # 10
Member
2558 posts
Sugar bee
@abbie017: Ok, I know that there is always the defense of the BM’s in that all they need to do is buy a dress and show up at the wedding – but is that really what you want in a friend? I think that’s pretty crappy.
Post # 12
Member
4529 posts
Honey bee
@abbie017: +1
@CocoClassic: +1
It sucks you’re bummed out and your friend didn’t measure up to your expectations, but I’ll echo PP who said that a)there could have been more happening in her life than you were aware of b)just be happy in your heart you gave her wedding your all, and try to not dwell on her not “stepping up.” It will only serve to do one of two things: keep you bitter and/or ruin the friendship entirely.
Post # 13
Member
1033 posts
Bumble bee
It doesnt sound like youre upset because of the things she didn’t do – its her attitude of just not caring about you and your day or really anything else. I would be super hurt by that!
If she had been super supportive but just busy and not able to do all the same things you did when it was her turn, but still kept reaching out and just being kind for gods sakes, i dont think youd feel that way. Ugh im sorry you had to go through that.
Post # 14
Member
8067 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@Sunshine09: But how were you as a friend during this time? Did you every ask her about her life or did you just get in contact about wedding things?
Post # 15
Member
4529 posts
Honey bee
@Sunshine09: “…all they need to do is buy a dress and show up at the wedding – but is that really what you want in a friend?”
Quite frankly, yes. Just show up, sober, and try to have fun with me. I don’t need parties or showers or bachelorette nights, or emailing me talking about my centerpieces and colors…literally, just show up.
I’ll take it a step further and say I’d still be their friend even if they *didn’t* show up…life happens.
Post # 16
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
@badabing88: +1 on the last post.
I, in no way, am saying you shouldnt be in your feelings because no one has the right to dictate how one should feel about any situation – Your feelings are YOUR feelings. BUT to have expectations of this friend, without vocalizing them (which I assume you didnt?) was unfair to said friend. Just because you went the extra mile doesnt mean she needs to or even planned to. Was it selfish and asshole-ly of her to act the way she did? Of course. Should you have expected something different? Maybe. But you got what she felt you deserved…
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