Not getting the same from a BM in return

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 19
13533 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sunshine09:  Honestly, yes.  I expect my friends to have a good time at events I invite them to, and I don’t expect to act as my servants to do everything I want them to do, and I don’t expect them to gush about my wedding or care as much as I do(did).  I expected my BMs to show up, wearing the pre-selected attire, and have a good time celebrating.  

Post # 20
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I would be upset too. It’s the fact that your friend made no effort and just seemed to be there but not actively being there. I read that you tried to find out if something was wrong with her personal life but just got a busy response. I think I’d give her her space. It might just be too personal to talk about. Maybe send her a thank you message for being in the wedding and say let’s get together for lunch sometime. The ball is in her court now if she really wants to continue the friendship. She could have been in yours because she felt obligated since you were in hers.

Post # 21
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Sunshine09: A little caring and effort goes a long way – and sadly not everyone realizes that. One of my really good friends dropped out of being a bridesmaid because she was going to grad school and my wedding is far away.

Originally, i said I would love for her to still be in the wedding and I would try and pay for her plane ticket and offered to pay for the dress (even if she didn’t make it). We also agreed we could do another photo shoot when i was back in the area with all my girls and we could celebrate then. Basically, i told her i’d like her to be in that role regardless if she could make my wedding – just because to me it was all about honoring my besties (and i had bought them all amazing gifts already that i couldnt wait to give her). 

What hurt me was her complete lack of effort. She never asked her advisors or professors if she could miss any time (it is during the summer months over a holiday, so it would only have been missing 2 days of her internship) and she never wanted to do any of the fun things i said i would do just for her upon our return. In the year and a half we have been engaged, i have only heard from her about 3 times. 

I know she said she still cares and that school is just crazy. ( i get it, ive been to grad school and so has my fiance). However, even if she turned down all the things i had offered and just reached out (even once a month) i wouldn’t feel so hurt and abandoned by her. The one event we had in our home-town area (my shower) she said she couldn’t attend because she had exams the following week. I was fine with that – but she never even sent a card or a text or a facebook message that day. Not a single thing just saying – “hey, youre my friend and im sorry i cant be there to spend any time with you. hope you’re having an amazing day”. So yeah, that’s the stuff that hurts. 

Anyways, good luck. *hugs*

Post # 22
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@badabing88:  I think you are just misinterpretating the same thing: 

“…all they need to do is buy a dress and show up at the wedding – but is that really what you want in a friend?”

 I think she is saying just showing up with the dress to the wedding is fine – but throughout the process you should meet the basic requirements of just being a friend. The first bit is the role of the bridesmaid, but the role of friend is being just generally supportive, reaching out, talking – doing all the things that made the two of you friends in the first place. 

I think we all hope that our friends will be friends first, bridesmaids second. No one wants it to be switched around. I think that’s what she is saying. 🙂

And i think that’s similar to what you are saying whe you said you just want them to show up and try to have fun with you. 🙂 Of course you dont care if they talk about centerpieces and colors with you – you just care about them smiling and laughing with you!

Post # 23
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I get the whole “it’s one day, it’s not their life thing” and to some extent I agree with it.  But it is entirely different when you were a Bridesmaid or Best Man for someone and went through all of that because they wanted their day to be special, but then are selfish enough to not consider it important enough to reciprocate.

Her life isn’t in the same place, which I get, but it’s still inconsiderate.

I am not the model of forgiveness and understanding, since I was rather disappointed in two women I was BM’s for, hosted showers for, and shelled out more money than I felt comfortable with on gifts (on top of dress, shower, and accommodations) because of what they felt their wedding experience should be, but didn’t think it necessary to even send a card with a signed name.

So yeah, I understand you being upset and disappointed in her.

Post # 24
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Sunshine09:  Unfortunately people and circumstances do change. It sounds like her perspectives certainly have. I am sorry she wasnt as good as a Bridesmaid or Best Man as you were but unfortunately, we can not force people to be who we want them to be. Chalk it up to one of life’s lessons and move on.

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