(Closed) Not given a +1. Can I bring my SO later?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 136
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I’d tell her before the day of that I was leaving at, for example, 10 pm.  If/when she told me “You CAN’T LEAVE YOU HAVE TO STAY!” I’d tell her, “Fine, I’ll leave at 9 then.” And I’d mean it. 

Post # 137
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

With dinner at 7 and balloon drop at midnight, it’s fine to leave at about 10.

What the bride is doing is kind of like a destination wedding. A Destination Wedding combines a wedding with a vacation. Here, the bride is combining a wedding with a NYE party. And just like a Destination Wedding bride can’t complain if her guests don’t vacation with her all week, so here: the bride can’t complain if some guests come for the wedding and skip the NYE party.

Especially a guest who would have to celebrate NYE without her partner, while watching her ex get love-dovey with his new girl.

What OP shouldn’t do, though, is ask again to bring a guest. The bride has made her decision and I feel it’s rude to challenge that. It doesn’t matter what the venue holds, every guests costs the hosts money. It’s her (and her parents’) decision, and even though it was very inconsiderate to you, it’s still her decision.

Post # 138
Member
288 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, the bride is being annoying about it and I would never tell my bridal party they can’t have a date. But at this point will it really be the end of the world to not see your SO for one day? You must be really close to the bride to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man so I would just get over it. It’s just one day. You’d probably be trading one day with your SO for a friendship. Which is more important?

Post # 139
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t imagine who would go to a wedding on NYE if they were dating someone and were not allowed a +1

…and I have NO desire to be friends with ANYONE that hold the “it’s MY day and it’s ALL about MEEEE” attitude…yuk! 

Post # 140
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Holy shit… 10 pages of this. …

Post # 141
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
LaurieW:  Do you want a medal because you’re paying $100 a head? Really? Because that’s pretty standard for a formal dinner with some sort of hosted bar; in fact it may be on the lower end for some areas of the country. Regardless of WHAT you’re paying, the minute you invite a single person, it’s no longer “all about you.”

Fortunately, it sounds like the OP has resolved this issue. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by ironmaidelah.
Post # 142
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I honestly all depends how you and the bride are… I assume youre the best friend since you are the maid of honor? me and my very close friends (5 of us) always say, bro’s before hoes… My fiance wasnt with us when one of our friends got married and I was Bridesmaid or Best Man.. I was a little sad but not upset… I would never drop out of one of my best friends wedding for someone Ive only started dating less then a year ago.. but thats your call!!! I would say, suck it up, have a few drinks and enjoy the night as best as you can with the bride and your friends who are there……

Post # 143
Member
13570 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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aussiemum1248:  The comparison to a Destination Wedding is a good one. Not  because people are not obligated to attend the reception. Realistically, few people are going to  travel all that way to a Destination Wedding and not attend the reception.  It’s because one should  invite guests for people travelling all the way to a Destination Wedding, the same way one should for people being invited out on a New Year’s eve holiday.  If she wanted to exclude guests, the bride should never have chosen this date. 

That and the fact that the cheating ex and his cheating Fiance  still have a close relationship with OP’s best friend after what they did to her is the real reason for all of these hurt feelings, not the general guidelines for a cut off at engaged, married or living together couples, which should have been moot. 

Many of you are saying the wedding party needs an exception now that the situation exists. The truth is  everyone needed the exception at a New Year’s wedding party, but that didn’t happen. The bride backed herself right into a no-win scenario. 

 

 

Post # 144
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

That is not the actions of a so called best friend. On what planet? And knowing your ex and his former cheatee now girlfriend/fiance is invited. That is downright cruel. That aint no best friend. Cut your losses now.

Post # 145
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Hey everyone,

My account is blocked for some reason and hasn’t yet been resolved so I created a new one so I can give an update.

I talked to the bride last night, but before I did, I talked to my SO first.  He obviously does not want me to end my friendship with the bride over this.  He said while he would love to see me earlier in the evening on NYE, he doesn’t want me to cause any problems with the bride so he suggested he pick me up right after midnight, when all the hoopla is over.

The bride was very tearful as she’s gotten much more crap than she ever expected over this.  As I said in an earlier post, no one expected her to have this +1 criteria but many of us warned her that there would be problems wanting to have the wedding on NYE.

She got many declines from people not able to get a babysitter (she is having an adult only wedding), and when they started getting more declines from singles not given a +1, her Future Mother-In-Law said something to her and her Fiance.  Then they started getting crap from her mom for the same reason.

She doesn’t know what to do.  She’s not changing her mind on the no kids rule, because there would be a lot of kids there and she doesn’t want that.  She mentioned possibly calling those that declined because they weren’t given a +1 and letting them bring a date in order to try to save face.  I asked how she knew that’s the reason they declined, and she said she heard the reasons from the parents.  I said it might be a moot point now but she knows her guests better than me. If she decides to give the guests a +1, then the bridal party will also get a +1.

I told her that I was hurt that I wasn’t allowed a guest – not just a guest, but my SO – because of the fact it’s NYE and because my ex will be there.  She again reitterated her original decision on not making any exceptions because if she gave an exception to the bridal party, she would get a lot of crap from her Future Mother-In-Law.  I get that she’s obviously under a lot of stress, but her response was much colder than I expected.

I didn’t push the issue, but I said that if things remain as they are, I will leave early, probably right around midnight.  I said I really don’t want to see my ex and his new Fiance ringing in the new year together and even though I honestly am over him, I just don’t need to see it.  I was surprised to hear she’s not sure if my ex is even bringing her because she said she’s going to be uncomfortable with ME there.

So at this point she’s not letting him come and she didn’t have much of a reaction when I said I’m going to leave a bit early.  I guess I’ll just have to see what the upcoming days bring.

Edited to make it clear, she did not yet give the bridal party, or anyone else, a +1, but she’s thinking about it.

Post # 146
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
sunnierdaysahead2:  Umm…. so she got tearful about other guests replying and is even thinking about calling other guests and allowing them a +1 but got stone cold and said “NOPE, NO EXCEPTIONS FOR BRIDAL PARTY” when you expressed to her how hurt you were with all of this??

At that point, I would’ve got up, said “well, you’re down a Maid/Matron of Honor. Good luck” and walked away. I’m sorry but her random cousins and her parent’s friends are worthy of tears, second guessing her decision, and her possibly being willing to bend the rules and allow +1’s. But her best friend and Maid of Honor’s feelings are completely dismissed and steam rolled??? No way. I almost started to feel bad for her for in the beginning of your update but not anymore.

Post # 147
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee

Wow it really sounds like the bride didn’t even consider that having a wedding on NYE would require her to plan differently. Not only should she have expected people would want to bring dates, but she should’ve also realized that babysitters are tough to get and very expensive. There clearly was just no thought put into it, and now she’s paying the price. I want to feel bad for her, but it’s her own damn fault.

In your case, the fact that your ex is going to be there with the floozy he cheated with, should’ve been enough for you to get a +1. Whatever happened to protecting your friends!? The bride really decided sticking to her guns and making a stance was more important than her relationships and that’s just sad. I hope you will leave early enough to enjoy the night with your SO with no guilt!

Post # 148
Member
6345 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
sunnierdaysahead2:  Hold on…she’s thinking about calling the single guests that declined and offering them a +1…but she’s still not giving one to you for your SO? Did I read that right?!?!

I’m guessing she’s thinking that you have no choice whether or not to go so she doesn’t have to be nice to you. She sounds like a peach. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by llevinso.
Post # 149
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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SoonAsYouCan:  
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llevinso:  I think I worded it wrong.  IF she gives the other guests a +1 THEN the bridal party will also get their +1s as well.  She’s just not sure if she’s going to do that or not.

But, in case she decided she’s keeping things as is, I warned her that I would be leaving early.

Post # 150
Member
6345 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
sunnierdaysahead2:  What was her response when you told her you’d be leaving early?

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