Not Happy with Marriage life

posted 6 days ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

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@laura64:  oh man – living with someone is tough. Adjusting your life completely to incorporate someone else is tough. You two need to sit down and have a conversation about the chores and the level of cleanliness. As for the bathroom – my best friend REFUSES to share a bathroom with her husband (he’s a mess and she’s meticulous)… so they always get a place with two bathrooms, and never share their bathrooms. It works for them. I stronly suggest you two have a few frank conversations about things. You can keep your finances separate. You can keep some private time to yourself. You can have your own bathroom. The toothbrush thing with the dog… no. That needs to change. 

Maybe you two should consider a counselor to help you combine your lives and address some of these issues. Just a neutral third party to help you do things like figure out chores (ie: I will let the trash pile up and spill out of the bin because I hate taking it out, my partner will run out of clean underwear, so he does trash and I do the laundry)… 

I’m sorry… it’s an adjustment, and it continues to adjust as your lives continue to change. Sometimes I envy my friends who live alone (mostly joking)

Post # 3
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

This is why my psychiatrist has always said the bare minimum he recommends for any relationship is dating for a year, living together for a year, and then getting married. That timeline stretches longer the younger the couple is. 

Yes, life does change when you live with someone else. Everyone has different levels of cleanliness, and it sounds like you are unusually tidy and your husband is bordering a little bit on unsanitary. Have you communicated any of this to him? 

I like my house to be very neat, my husband can tolerate “organized chaos”. He gets his desk and office space however he likes it. I never touch it. The public parts of the house are more organized because I like to stay guest-ready. Because that’s my preference, I do the majority of the work there, and I don’t mind.

Since he is not into cleaning or organizing, we did three things– 1) I agreed to set up spaces for him to “dump” his stuff when he comes in the door. I made it easier for him to stay organized.  2) We hired a cleaning service to come in every other week to do the heavy lifting. That way, all I have to shoulder on my own is touch-up work in between. 3) We got a robotic vacuum cleaner. It runs every night and keeps any grime that the dogs track in to a minimum. 

The above are just examples, but it goes to show that there are ways to make living with someone easier on both parties involved. This is truly about open communication and compromise.

Post # 4
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@laura64:  Adjusting to living with someone can be difficult, that is totally normal, but the things you mention are NOT normal. I gasped out loud when I got to the bit about him cleaning the dog’s teeth with his personal items omg that is SO GROSS. If my husband did that I wouldn’t have feelings for him any more, either!!! And getting food all over the floor from feeding the dog? 🤢 What is wrong with this man?!!

You may have some OCD issues which would require compromise to live happily with anyone, but overall these problems are NOT your fault. Your husband is not functioning like a normal adult. He should already know to wash his hands after using the bathroom — that’s *especially* disgusting and unacceptable right now, with everyone knowing about the importance of hand washing during the pandemic. And he should already know how to wash his teacup with soap and a scrubber, good grief!

Honestly there are so many problems with your husband not having basic standards for living, I’m not sure I would hang around if I were you. I wouldn’t want to be with a man I have to teach basic hygiene things, that would make me feel like his mother. If I were you I think I would divorce and go back to my simple single life, and then never marry again without living with him first! But do you want to work things out?? There are steps you can take if you want to stay with him.

One point about dogs: they’re only dirty if their owners are dirty. I have dogs and my house is spotless because I clean the dogs, which is something every pet owner should do! I never have dirty paw marks on my hardwood floor because I clean their paws after they’ve been outside — there’s all sorts of harmful things they can pick up outside, a dog’s paws should always be at least wiped when he comes inside (for the dog’s safety alone, not even considering the house!). Also their privates should be kept trimmed and cleaned, just as you need to do for cats sometimes. I’ve met cat owners who let their pets walk around with poop on their bums — that’s simply being a poor pet parent, it’s not because cats are dirty. Dogs aren’t dirty, either. So in addition to being a gross human your husband also sounds like an irresponsible pet owner.

Post # 5
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

It seems like your very problem is how your husband lacks the basic level of hygiene. I’m appalled to hear, especially during the pandemic, that he doesn’t wash his hand after toilet, or brushes his teeth with the same brush as his dog’s. Sorry but it’s simply gross. However, those could have been easily detected before marriage even though you haven’t lived together. Has he just started acting like that?

I am a messy person. Clutter almost never makes me uncomfortable, I can keep my laptop, books or scarves on the dining table for days… this drives my husband nuts. He told me that, and I try to keep things tidier now. Marriage is all about comprising.

I think it’s normal to miss your privacy at times. However, the way you described seems a bit more than that. I hope the best. 

Post # 6
Member
2805 posts
Sugar bee

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@laura64:  Your husband is disgusting and lacks basic hygiene. He absolutely should be washing his hands after using the bathroom. He should not be sharing a toothbrush with a dog. He should be using soap to clean his dishes. I didn’t live with my husband prior to marriage (except for a little less than a month before the wedding) and I don’t see how you didn’t know some of these things after dating so long? 

You need to sit down and have a talk. Tell him that he needs to improve his hygiene and you’ve lost attraction for him because of his habits. You would hope these things would just be obvious, but they’re not for your husband. He’s not a mind reader, so you have to explicitly state these things. 

And no, this isn’t typical for the first year of marriage. My first year married was great, despite not living together. I’ve never agreed with the saying that the first year of marriage should be difficult. 

Post # 8
Member
5141 posts
Bee Keeper

Ok, some of the stuff he’s doing is fucked up and you should tell him. Not washing his hands after the bathroom? Gross. Dog dental tools mixing with human dental tools? Stupid. Get him to read up on canine bacterial and zoonotic diseases, he’s being particularly foolish with this one.

As for your place being left neat and clean, I hear you. My husband is a very, very clean man, but he leaves detritus in his wake – all the time. It can drive you crazy, and I’ve told him I dont appreciate being his clean-up crew. If the dog comes in from outside, wipe his paws, or better yet, wash and wipe them. Tell him that you’re bothered by his habits and you need him to improve. Sitting and seething and not saying anything is not the way to go here unless you like feeling resentment.

Post # 8
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s definitely an adjustment and it requires a lot of communication.

Personally, my spouse and I have separate bedrooms, bathrooms and walk in closets. Our habits are equally sanitary, but our schedules can fluctuate greatly. This set up gives us enough space to feel like we’re not drowning the other.

Post # 9
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

You need to have some conversations with your husband about cleanliness and basic hygiene. 

Getting used to living with someone is always an adjustment, but some of the things you mentioned are legitimate health concerns… sharing toothbrushes with a dog? Not washing your hands or dishes properly? Those aren’t things you compromise on. 

Also, can you carve out some space for yourself in the house? A separate bathroom, an office, even a separate bedroom? Just because you’re sharing your lives doesn’t mean you have to share EVERYTHING all the time. You can still have some independence/individuality, it’s just about finding ways to claim it.  

Post # 10
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I feel like you have some longing for your old life, sure, but that shouldn’t be the IMMEDIATE focus. Nor should the fact you didn’t move in together after marriage. 

I think the thing to focus on here is that your husband is just purely disugsting. 

Post # 11
Member
7247 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your husband is nasty as fuck, OP. Yes, moving in together is an adjustment, but your husband is filthy and his casual behavior is disgusting. (also, the fact that you have only lived together for a month and he is already this comfortable and relaxed being nasty in front of you is concerning).

I’d love to know what you said to him when you noticed him using the SAME TOOL to clean his teeth and his dog’s teeth. I wouldn’t have been able to contain my revulsion at that one.

Post # 12
Member
3094 posts
Sugar bee

Sometimes, I think this website needs a section specifically for threads about hygiene problems. 

It’s mind boggling to me how common this seems to be.

Post # 13
Member
2011 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Ewww! Bee you’ve been kissing him all this time tho!  Gurl….I can’t!  That other stuff can be worked out but sharing with the dog…..oh HELL NO!

Post # 14
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

This exact post was on WeddingWire this morning, are you just trying to get more opinions than more than 1 forum?

Post # 15
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Whoa.  This is a BIIIIIIG problem and it’s going to take drastic measures to get rid of the problem.  It’s too bad that you did not live together and discover this before marriage.  Lord, weren’t there ever any signs when the two of you were together for a few hours or whatever?

Made me sick just to read it.  How a person gets this way, I don’t even know.  I think the only way to save this marriage is to tell him EXACTLY how you feel, as painful as it may be.  I don’t see it going well, though.  And tell him that his ways are just not tolerable to you, and he has to make major changes.  If he resisted, and I really wanted to save my marriage, I would probably drag him to marriage counseling.

I am really feeling doubtful about this.  Not only is there the problem of him living like a pig, but also the fact that you are so introverted and like being alone so much and like everything being “just so” in your home.  Those qualities are not all that compatible with marriage.

I really think you both need to go to marriage counseling if this marriage is to be saved.  I wish you luck, Bee.

 

 

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