Post # 1
So I got married a little over a month ago and I’m not happy. We have been together for about 3 years but we did not live together prior to marriage. We bought a house right after our wedding and moved in together and I have been missing being alone ever since.
We were truly in love and he was the first person I met and thought that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Otherwise I have always just dated but never ever thought about getting married until I met him. We have always talked things out and never really had a fight where we both screaming or yelling at each other so we have always have a very respectful and peaceful relationship.
However I have always lived alone and it’s my favorite thing since I am a very introvert person. I am also very OCD about keeping everything clean around me and I even only have cats because they tend to be cleaner than dogs.
Every time I close my eyes when going to bed, I imagine myself back in my old room on my old bed and that’s how I have been falling asleep. I have also been sleeping on the edge of the bed and being far far away from him.
I get grossed out when I go to the bathroom after him and I feel so bad about it because he leaves it clean not like he is leaving it dirty for me but he does not wash his hand so that part I’m not comfortable about. I’m also washing his tea cup after him or anything that he washes because he just wash it with water and I also tend to just clean the sink behind him.
He leaves things on the counter and I just keep moving it because I like my counter to be clean and nothing on it. His dog paws print are everywhere in the house (we have hardwood floor and no carpet or rugs just yet ). He hardly cleans after him which drives me crazy. Yesterday he was feeding the dog watermelon and it was all over the floor which really grossed me out.
He uses the tools to clean his dog’s teeth on his own teeth as well. He also let his dog eat from his plate when he is done eating which is something I’m not used to.
I’m all the sudden very cold and don’t have feelings toward him at all now.
I do not know how to navigate being married and making big life decisions. We keep having sales people knocking on our doors like for solar panels, sales people were talking to him and I felt like a kid for not saying anything at all.
We talked about money and credit cards which is something I was always doing and navigating on my own so it is all weird to me now. I just miss my simple and single life and I hate all the big responsibilities now. I feel like I am not ready for it or sometimes I wonder if I am just not good enough and he should have been with someone else.
Anyone been through the same or is first year of marriage is just hard?
Post # 2
oh man – living with someone is tough. Adjusting your life completely to incorporate someone else is tough. You two need to sit down and have a conversation about the chores and the level of cleanliness. As for the bathroom – my best friend REFUSES to share a bathroom with her husband (he’s a mess and she’s meticulous)… so they always get a place with two bathrooms, and never share their bathrooms. It works for them. I stronly suggest you two have a few frank conversations about things. You can keep your finances separate. You can keep some private time to yourself. You can have your own bathroom. The toothbrush thing with the dog… no. That needs to change.
Maybe you two should consider a counselor to help you combine your lives and address some of these issues. Just a neutral third party to help you do things like figure out chores (ie: I will let the trash pile up and spill out of the bin because I hate taking it out, my partner will run out of clean underwear, so he does trash and I do the laundry)…
I’m sorry… it’s an adjustment, and it continues to adjust as your lives continue to change. Sometimes I envy my friends who live alone (mostly joking)
Post # 3
This is why my psychiatrist has always said the bare minimum he recommends for any relationship is dating for a year, living together for a year, and then getting married. That timeline stretches longer the younger the couple is.
Yes, life does change when you live with someone else. Everyone has different levels of cleanliness, and it sounds like you are unusually tidy and your husband is bordering a little bit on unsanitary. Have you communicated any of this to him?
I like my house to be very neat, my husband can tolerate “organized chaos”. He gets his desk and office space however he likes it. I never touch it. The public parts of the house are more organized because I like to stay guest-ready. Because that’s my preference, I do the majority of the work there, and I don’t mind.
Since he is not into cleaning or organizing, we did three things– 1) I agreed to set up spaces for him to “dump” his stuff when he comes in the door. I made it easier for him to stay organized. 2) We hired a cleaning service to come in every other week to do the heavy lifting. That way, all I have to shoulder on my own is touch-up work in between. 3) We got a robotic vacuum cleaner. It runs every night and keeps any grime that the dogs track in to a minimum.
The above are just examples, but it goes to show that there are ways to make living with someone easier on both parties involved. This is truly about open communication and compromise.
Post # 4
Adjusting to living with someone can be difficult, that is totally normal, but the things you mention are NOT normal. I gasped out loud when I got to the bit about him cleaning the dog’s teeth with his personal items omg that is SO GROSS. If my husband did that I wouldn’t have feelings for him any more, either!!! And getting food all over the floor from feeding the dog? 🤢 What is wrong with this man?!!
You may have some OCD issues which would require compromise to live happily with anyone, but overall these problems are NOT your fault. Your husband is not functioning like a normal adult. He should already know to wash his hands after using the bathroom — that’s *especially* disgusting and unacceptable right now, with everyone knowing about the importance of hand washing during the pandemic. And he should already know how to wash his teacup with soap and a scrubber, good grief!
Honestly there are so many problems with your husband not having basic standards for living, I’m not sure I would hang around if I were you. I wouldn’t want to be with a man I have to teach basic hygiene things, that would make me feel like his mother. If I were you I think I would divorce and go back to my simple single life, and then never marry again without living with him first! But do you want to work things out?? There are steps you can take if you want to stay with him.
One point about dogs: they’re only dirty if their owners are dirty. I have dogs and my house is spotless because I clean the dogs, which is something every pet owner should do! I never have dirty paw marks on my hardwood floor because I clean their paws after they’ve been outside — there’s all sorts of harmful things they can pick up outside, a dog’s paws should always be at least wiped when he comes inside (for the dog’s safety alone, not even considering the house!). Also their privates should be kept trimmed and cleaned, just as you need to do for cats sometimes. I’ve met cat owners who let their pets walk around with poop on their bums — that’s simply being a poor pet parent, it’s not because cats are dirty. Dogs aren’t dirty, either. So in addition to being a gross human your husband also sounds like an irresponsible pet owner.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey
It seems like your very problem is how your husband lacks the basic level of hygiene. I’m appalled to hear, especially during the pandemic, that he doesn’t wash his hand after toilet, or brushes his teeth with the same brush as his dog’s. Sorry but it’s simply gross. However, those could have been easily detected before marriage even though you haven’t lived together. Has he just started acting like that?
I am a messy person. Clutter almost never makes me uncomfortable, I can keep my laptop, books or scarves on the dining table for days… this drives my husband nuts. He told me that, and I try to keep things tidier now. Marriage is all about comprising.
I think it’s normal to miss your privacy at times. However, the way you described seems a bit more than that. I hope the best.
Post # 6
Your husband is disgusting and lacks basic hygiene. He absolutely should be washing his hands after using the bathroom. He should not be sharing a toothbrush with a dog. He should be using soap to clean his dishes. I didn’t live with my husband prior to marriage (except for a little less than a month before the wedding) and I don’t see how you didn’t know some of these things after dating so long?
You need to sit down and have a talk. Tell him that he needs to improve his hygiene and you’ve lost attraction for him because of his habits. You would hope these things would just be obvious, but they’re not for your husband. He’s not a mind reader, so you have to explicitly state these things.
And no, this isn’t typical for the first year of marriage. My first year married was great, despite not living together. I’ve never agreed with the saying that the first year of marriage should be difficult.
Post # 8
Ok, some of the stuff he’s doing is fucked up and you should tell him. Not washing his hands after the bathroom? Gross. Dog dental tools mixing with human dental tools? Stupid. Get him to read up on canine bacterial and zoonotic diseases, he’s being particularly foolish with this one.
As for your place being left neat and clean, I hear you. My husband is a very, very clean man, but he leaves detritus in his wake – all the time. It can drive you crazy, and I’ve told him I dont appreciate being his clean-up crew. If the dog comes in from outside, wipe his paws, or better yet, wash and wipe them. Tell him that you’re bothered by his habits and you need him to improve. Sitting and seething and not saying anything is not the way to go here unless you like feeling resentment.
Post # 8
It’s definitely an adjustment and it requires a lot of communication.
Personally, my spouse and I have separate bedrooms, bathrooms and walk in closets. Our habits are equally sanitary, but our schedules can fluctuate greatly. This set up gives us enough space to feel like we’re not drowning the other.
Post # 9
You need to have some conversations with your husband about cleanliness and basic hygiene.
Getting used to living with someone is always an adjustment, but some of the things you mentioned are legitimate health concerns… sharing toothbrushes with a dog? Not washing your hands or dishes properly? Those aren’t things you compromise on.
Also, can you carve out some space for yourself in the house? A separate bathroom, an office, even a separate bedroom? Just because you’re sharing your lives doesn’t mean you have to share EVERYTHING all the time. You can still have some independence/individuality, it’s just about finding ways to claim it.
Post # 10
I feel like you have some longing for your old life, sure, but that shouldn’t be the IMMEDIATE focus. Nor should the fact you didn’t move in together after marriage.
I think the thing to focus on here is that your husband is just purely disugsting.
Post # 11
Your husband is nasty as fuck, OP. Yes, moving in together is an adjustment, but your husband is filthy and his casual behavior is disgusting. (also, the fact that you have only lived together for a month and he is already this comfortable and relaxed being nasty in front of you is concerning).
I’d love to know what you said to him when you noticed him using the SAME TOOL to clean his teeth and his dog’s teeth. I wouldn’t have been able to contain my revulsion at that one.
Post # 12
Sometimes, I think this website needs a section specifically for threads about hygiene problems.
It’s mind boggling to me how common this seems to be.
Post # 13
Ewww! Bee you’ve been kissing him all this time tho! Gurl….I can’t! That other stuff can be worked out but sharing with the dog…..oh HELL NO!
Post # 14
This exact post was on WeddingWire this morning, are you just trying to get more opinions than more than 1 forum?
Post # 15
Whoa. This is a BIIIIIIG problem and it’s going to take drastic measures to get rid of the problem. It’s too bad that you did not live together and discover this before marriage. Lord, weren’t there ever any signs when the two of you were together for a few hours or whatever?
Made me sick just to read it. How a person gets this way, I don’t even know. I think the only way to save this marriage is to tell him EXACTLY how you feel, as painful as it may be. I don’t see it going well, though. And tell him that his ways are just not tolerable to you, and he has to make major changes. If he resisted, and I really wanted to save my marriage, I would probably drag him to marriage counseling.
I am really feeling doubtful about this. Not only is there the problem of him living like a pig, but also the fact that you are so introverted and like being alone so much and like everything being “just so” in your home. Those qualities are not all that compatible with marriage.
I really think you both need to go to marriage counseling if this marriage is to be saved. I wish you luck, Bee.