Not Happy with Marriage life

posted 6 days ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

If you don’t like sleeping in the same bed with him, you can sleep in different beds or in different rooms.  If you absolutely can’t share a bathroom with him, you can have separate bathrooms.  If you just like living alone, you can live separately (yes, some married couples do that, and it works out great for them).

There are some things that I think is fair that you insist on, such as him washing his hands, not using the same things on his teeth that he uses on his dog’s, not allowing paw prints (or dirty shoes for that matter) on carpet, and not allowing food on the floor without cleaning it up.  All of that is disgusting.

Married life (living together) is never the same as living by yourself, and there is an adjustment process.  There is room for compromise, such as hiring a maid to clean his bathroom.  But what’s making this harder for you is that you didn’t live with him before getting married.  If your religious views prohibit it, I understand, but this is one of the risks of not doing so.  Everything is sprung on you at once.

Post # 17
Member
1337 posts
Bumble bee

Marriage is an adjustment, especially if you don’t live together beforehand.  My OH and I have been married for coming up 9 months, and we didn’t live together (or have sex) before marriage, so it took us a while to adjust, but it was nowhere near as hard as what you are going through.  BUT, we did talk in-depth beforehand about our beliefs, wishes & expectations on many issues, including time alone, household chores, finances, sex etc, so that really helped us prepare.  Obviously, if you missed out on the pre-marriage prep you can’t go back and redo that, but it might be worth doing some marriage counselling or one of the many marriage courses that are available (sometimes, it’s easier to discuss difficult topics when they’re raised as part of ‘a course’ instead of just sitting down and bringing them up yourself).

In your case, the adjustment is going to be even harder because you are very obsessive about cleanliness and tidiness and your husband is totally the opposite.  I would suggest spending some time thinking about what you feel needs to change, and what you are able to compromise on – for example, sharing toothbrushes & plates with the dog needs to stop NOW.  He’s not only risking his own health, he’s also risking yours by doing this.  But you may also need to accept that he is never going to achieve your high standards of tidiness.

Finances & household plans – this is something you should both be involved in if you want to – why do you feel you can’t have any input?

Time alone/sleeping apart – there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.  My OH and I are both introverts, and even in our first house, which was tiny, we managed to carve out some time apart each day by juggling who got up/went to bed first.  Now we are in a larger house, it’s much easier!  And we bought the largest bed we could afford and still sleep as far apart as possible.  I know some couples who even sleep in separate rooms.  There’s nothing wrong with this as long as you both communicate with each other and work out something that works for you.  If you are struggling to fall asleep sharing a room, it would be much better to sleep separately.  Being short on sleep makes it much harder to be positive about things anyway!

Household chores – these should be shared.  I do the majority of housework and cleaning now because I am working much shorter hours than my husband.  But when I have a busy week, he does more.  Look at your schedules and come up with something that is fair, based on how much work you are doing outside the home.

Post # 18
Member
10350 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@laura64:  

Apart from the cleanliness thing – as pps have said you need to make some compromises , both of you -it seems to me that marriage has come as a real shock to you. You seemed to be thinking that it would be life as before but with him around in the background . I think you need marriage counselling and soon.

Post # 19
Member
7247 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Girl, just throw the whole man away.

Do NOT try to make things work with someone with nasty hygiene habits. It’s not worth the time or the effort (or the mental distress of whatever else you will uncover). Send him back home to his mama. Defective product. Return to sender.

Post # 20
Member
952 posts
Busy bee

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@laura64:  I think it’s really odd that your feelings changed so drastically in such a short period of time. It seems like the problem lies with you tbh. You can’t be so nit picky and controlling or you’ll drive yourself crazy. Pick the most important thing that is bothering and talk to him respectfully about it. I don’t recommend you throw all your disgust or hatred at him at once, as NO ONE would want that. Also maybe get counseling or figure out what is suddenly making you despise him so much. 

EDIT because I missed that part of him not hand washing…that IS bothersome. The hygiene is the part I’d pick to insist on. The hand washing and sharing tooth brushes with the dog is NASTY. Sorry I skimmed but I reread and I can totally see how bothersome that is. I’d start with that and see if you can move forward from there. That just has to change. Non negotiable.

Post # 21
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee

Okay there are a few different things going on.

– moving in together takes adjustment. Especially if you are used to living on your own

– if you want your space you should communicate that you want to go the the bedroom for a few hours on your own. Or take a weekend occasionally to be by yourself. Dreaming of your own place is a slippery slope.

– he needs to handle basic hygiene. Such as washing hands, sing dish soap and have his own toothbrush. Maybe this makes you not want to sleep next to him? This you need to flat out say to him. There is no need to make this polite

– you need to let go some of your cleanliness preferences. You have a dog so there will be prints. Having something on the counter, need to learn to let it go. He on the other hand needs to clean the dogs watermelon mess.

– the financies and big life decision can be taken one step at the time. You can have separate financies and slowly combine if you want. First a joint utitilities account and gradually work your way up to the credit card. As for solar panels. I’d there is a salesman ask for some time to think and the discuss it.

All you can do is have an open convo. I’d take one topic at a time starting with hygiene. Tell him that it makes him very unattractive and how there are real health risks. His response will say a lot about him. If you think you need an impartial 3rd party then get a councillor.

Post # 22
Member
11015 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@workingonmynightcheese:  

Yup. Sharing a bathroom? That is one big pile of nope. I don’t care what those stupid HGTV episodes show. Yeah, a couple needs two sinks so they can brush their teeth together. That’s just twisted.

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