(Closed) Not Hearing the “No”

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

@sassy411:I’m sorry, but who do you think you are?  You do not know any and everyone’s situation.  You clearly started this post to get under people’s skin.  I think you have too much time on your hands are you are just looking to stir the pot.

Post # 4
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@lalalalinzii: I disagree. It’s something that needs to be said because many women (myself included) have a hard time hearing the hidden meaning behind a nice guy’s words!

Post # 5
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@sassy411: Most people are afraid of confrontation and will do anything to avoid it.  I read in “Why Men Marry Bitches” that the harsh truth is men ABSOLUTELY lead women on to get certain sexual and other benefits. 

Also, I think some women don’t always feel comfortable asking the important questions. I know I didn’t always when I was with my Ex, we’d get into a discussion about commitment and I’d get nervous and not dig for the answers I needed.  Just let his “surface” explanation stand. At least that’s how I interpret it now. Once I stood up for what I really needed….well, that was it. 

Post # 6
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think this is an excellant post, and I don’t think you are trying to start something; just trying to get some real life thinking going on.

Post # 7
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

You should read The Truth Behind The Rock.  It talks about all the pre-engagement discussions and what leads up to it.  I think your post is a complete blanket statement and while some men might not be truthful, most of the ladies here know they’re on the track toward marriage and aren’t blinded.

Post # 8
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@sassy411:I think there is a dfference in a man that’s not that into you and a man that is getting himself prepared for marriage.

Post # 10
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

@sassy411:Also, I’m sorry if this is mean, but since you are the one who needed a therapist, I suggest you don’t come here trying to put down waiting women by saying they can’t hear the “no” their Boyfriend or Best Friend is trying to tell them.  Just because you are already married, does not mean you can put people down or be condescending to them because they are waiting.  You act like you never felt eager to be engaged to your husband.  It’s called excitement.  Have some empathy.

Post # 11
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

@sassy411:And since you’re not waiting, if you have nothing nice to say to the waiting bees, and no words of encouragement for those who feel hopeless at times…don’t say anything at all.  How bout that?

Post # 12
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I don’t think the OP was implying that every guy lies. They just stretch the truth a bit. We are all guilty of this and all we want to do is make people happy, so sometimes, we will omit things or stretch the truth a bit just to make the person happy because we don’t want to hurt them.

Words of engouragement to the waiting bees. Just be patient and keep the lines of communication open, it will happen, but if you put too much pressure on your intended, it could backfire. It is good that the bee has a place for waiting bees to vent because it is frustrating to have to wait, irreguardless of the reason(s). Only the waiting bee knows the situation they are in and each one is very different from the next one.

Post # 13
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t think she is being condescending at all, lala.  She is trying, in a nice way I think, to make people aware of the possibility that the “excitement” you mention could be blinding them to their partner’s feelings. 

She stated several times that it obviously doesn’t apply to every situation, but it is something to be aware of.  She is speaking from personal experience, and that is always valuable.

Post # 15
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Here’s another thing that men say that most women  just accept and don’t question, and could really have the “no” lurking behind it:

“I’m not ready”

What does that mean? I came to the realization that really, it means nothing. There is no actionable solution to “not ready”. If he’s blocked, uncertain, scared, well there are things to do about that and you can discuss it. But what can you do with “not ready”, as a one-line statement and nothing else? It’s such a gray area that people mostly just accept, and men can use it as an excuse for their own cowardice indefinitely.

Sometimes it means: “I’m not ready and I never will be”, “I don’t want to talk about it, and you can’t argue with ‘not ready'”, “I feel perfectly justified saying that rather than opening up about my fears or hashing out issues that need to be addressed”, “I haven’t done the WORK required of looking into my own soul and figuring out what I really want”, or “You’re not the one and I’m afraid to tell you”.

I think when confronted with “not ready” we should ask the relevant questions and/or react with the appropriate feelings of confusion. Does he expect to always feel 100% certain about such a high-impact decision? What does he need to be “ready”? What is occuring that he would say he wanted to get married at one point and then balk at the possibility? etc etc.

I just had to rant about that tidbit from my own mistakes in the past….

Post # 16
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I think that there is a lot of truth in what you’re saying. 

While some women need to be more patient, others need to be more realistic.  For example, If you’ve been with the guy for 6 years, both have finished studying and are working and there’s no particularly strong reason why proposing isn’t a good time, then I think it’s fair to move on.  I had a colleague who left her boyfriend because of this type of situation and he never bothered to chase her afterwards even though their relationship had been good.  He clearly didn’t want to marry her and never bothered telling her honestly.

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