(Closed) Not Hearing the “No”

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 107
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think this is a VERY thoughtful post that I was thinking of posting myself after reading a bunch of waiting posts! At first I couldn’t figure out why so many women wanted to be engaged? Then I couldn’t figure out why they didn’t just propose to their men themselves if they wanted to be engaged that badly??

My Fiance and I were together for 8 years before he proposed, through high school and college, and as soon as we both graduated and settled in a bit he proposed. Earlier wouldn’t have been right for us so I never “waited” for him to propose and our relationship progressed naturally. Had he not proposed when the time was right I would have been happy to propose to him. It really bums me out to see all these posts from strong women who are taking care of their SO and are miserable because their SOs won’t commit.  

As the OP has pointed out, her observations don’t apply to everyone, and certainly not to everyone in long term relationships. However, I think it’s a really solid point for couples who have no reason not to get married to consider. Obviously not everyone wants to get married or is wasting their time or not hearing the “no” but I think there’s a good portion of people who might be and it would probably benefit them to really discuss the root issues with their SOs. If you HAVE to be married and your SO is unable to commit, it might be time to move on. 

Post # 108
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

@authenticI just now realized that you used that terminology too. I wasn’t referring to you at all! I’m sorry that I didn’t see that before I posted that comment, and that I wasn’t more specific. There were a few OP that were stating that because some people were getting defensive that the subject “hit close to home” and someone else said they thought that “hit the nail on the head” and thats why they were upset about the post. I completely agree with you that people would benefit from looking inward when something triggers them. Anger is a secondary emotion, there is always something else. What was implied earlier on (and what I was addressing) was that someone getting upset, mad, or triggered by this post does not mean that its because they are going through the situation. Those posts basically were attempts to take a stab at those who were offended or disliked the posting. I’m not going to label here, but lets just say those posts were easily picked apart and seen for what they were.

Once again, I am so sorry that you thought I was talking about your post! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 109
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I see what you’re saying.  I just think women like me in those situations are in flat-out DENIAL.  I knew deep down that relationship was not going anywhere, but that doesn’t stop the misery or asking what if?  And I have to say, coming to that realization that he didn’t want to be with me like that and OWNING it pulled me out of a trap so deep that I didn’t have any scars.  I came out of it on the other side wounded maybe, but in a better, happier place seriously wishing I had done myself a favor much sooner, no matter how hard it would’ve been for me.

That said, while it sucked, like others mentioned, I think an experience like that as daunting and shitty as it is at the time, seriously prepares you as a person and future mate in a way that no other situation really can.

You know what you want and you won’t settle for less.  And you shouldn’t have to.  That’s not begging, or snotty, or setting ultimatums, that’s knowing what you want for yourself and meeting someone on the same level as you.  And in a weird way, I totally have to thank my asshole-ex for that haha ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 110
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

As some other ladies have said, I am going to assume that OPs message hits a little close to home for some of the people that are getting their panties in a twist over it.

Post # 111
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

If you ask me @MrsSl82be was bang on. There are people on the Bee who need to hear this perspective rather than just getting a bunch of soothing pats on the back all the time. And this post has very obviously struck a chord.

I’m “waiting” and was in no way offended by this post. In fact, it was downright insightful. I think it is fair to say that if you have a very emotional and visceral reaction to this post you probably are identifying with at least one aspect of what she has said. Why else would it infuriate you? The truth is hard to swallow sometimes. And if nothing else, the OP is very honest. I read the waiting boards far more than I post but I do read posts on here that draw a lot of parallels to this post. Whether you want to see it or not there are ladies on here who talk like they need to “get” their SO to propose.

Don’t like it, don’t read it.

Post # 112
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Dollygold: I guess my problem with this: “There are people on the Bee who need to hear this perspective rather than just getting a bunch of soothing pats on the back all the time. And this post has very obviously struck a chord.” is similar to what I said in my original post and what a couple other ladies have said above: I’m not sure anyone here can really make that judgement. 

We only get to see one aspect of waiting ladies’ relationships. You see them when they’re sad, or upset, or ticked off. (Even a lot of the proposals go on the proposal board so we don’t even see the happy ending!) This is not the sum of these relationships and even though, yes, sometimes I see a post and think: “Oh goodness, that doesn’t sound healthy at all.” I pretty much always keep my lips zipped in those cases. Because unless that person came here and explicitly asked for advice, I know that I’m not hearing the whole story and shouldn’t judge based on a rant. (And even when they do ask for advice I always hesitate because I realize we’re still only seeing ONE side of the story. HERS. Without the guys and his input it’s almost impossible to really know what’s going on.)

And by posting this on the waiting board as it’s own topic instead of directed at a specific person, and in words that generalize the whole board again she seems to be painting with a rather broad brush. Maybe that’s not how some people see it but it’s definitely they way I perceived it. 

(I’m using a lot of painting metaphors today aren’t I? :))

Post # 113
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

@mncrk09You know what they say about assuming….and your statement reflects upon your own character and no one elses. What is by far more interesting is the level of maturity it takes to even think making such a comment would incriminate someone for sharing their opinions because they simply disagree with what you, the OP or anyone else thinks.

In case it wasn’t clear, (which I certainly dont see how it could possibly be spelled out any clearer) my personal disagreement with the OP was based on her lack of cooth and execution. It was pieced together poorly and didnt live up to what the post could have been. The topic was a good one, but how things are said is pretty important when you are posting on a forum.

Post # 114
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

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@Taylor4: Then why would anybody fly into hysterics over it? Your post was like a well formulated essay. Not a barrage of insanity. That’s the difference between striking a chord versus rationally disliking the post. Having an overtly emotional reaction to it is a dead giveaway if you ask me. Agree to disagree I suppose.

Post # 115
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Dollygold:

Agree to disagree I suppose. I can live with that! I may just be on the more cautious side of posters too. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 117
Member
3010 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I applaud the OP for having the balls to say something.  I often roll my eyes at some of the posts, but don’t necessarily think it’s my business to even say anything.  I sincerely wish all the luck in the world though.

Post # 118
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

If you take away the “blanket statement” or “condescending tone” of the OP, what you have left is a woman’s original perspective and story of her experience with what appears to be the intent to educate and/or help other women. 

I’ve been through this, and honestly, it isn’t the most pleasant thing for me to read as it’s familiar to me and I’m still a waiting-bee, and I’ll always be on “high alert” to make sure it’s not happening again. 

HOWEVER, I am PRO-anything that will educate me to a higher level. I’m into continuous self-improvement and I’m a firm believer in continuously soul-searching and understanding who I am and why I do what I do.  Even though this post isn’t applicable to my situation now, I do enjoy a thought provoking story and the education it brings. 

Post # 119
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I appreciate you posting this on the boards, I’m engaged myself but still found it a very helpful post and something that made me think about a few other things going on in my life. I think an outside perspective on a situation is always helpful, especially when it’s as thoughfully and considerately written as this one.

Throughout life I keep coming back to the serenity prayers used by so many organisations:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”

Post # 120
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

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@lalalalinzii: Why do you take everything as a personal attack against you?????    

Post # 121
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

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@lalalalinzii: 

I don’t think it’s too close to home to anyone on the waiting boards.  Not for me anyway, and I’m certain others.  I just honestly cannot stand when other engaged or married women feel the need to tell waiting women to “relax” or “look deeper” “read between the lines.”  Because the fact is, the OP does not know what is going on in other’s relationships and making a post like this just comes off as criticism to those who are waiting.  If she wants to say that to someone who’s personal situation she knows, fine, but to make it on a board of women who are truly waiting because something is “in the works” and has been discussed?  I think you’re just asking for a steamy debate.  Someone else said it, things happen at different times for everyone…just because it happened to you does not make you an expert.  And it is a blanket statement when you do not know the personal situation of each and every individual you are addressing.

You constantly tell people not the judge your relationship because they do not know you.  So how can YOU say what you just said?  Maybe some women needed to hear what OP said.

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