Not in brother's wedding and am hurt, help please!

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

You don’t need to be in a wedding to be supportive and have a role. 

Let it go 

Post # 3
Member
45534 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

theresabow :  You don’t share these feelings- period. You put on your big girl panties and accept that your FSIL is entitled to have her nearest and dearest in her bridal party, not just an older sister of the groom who is supportive of the relationship. She can’t ask everyone who supports the relationship to be a BM

Post # 4
Member
345 posts
Helper bee

I also have younger brothers and am not in the wedding party.

But you know what? It’s the way things go and im fine with it. It’s just the unfortunate way of the tradition how the bride has her girls and the groom has his guys. When you’re a woman and ate close with the groom, you’ll likely be left out purely based on gender, really. It sucks but you just have to realize it probably has nothing to so with how they feel about you. The bride has her closest ladies too, and sometimes there are just too many people to please everyone or have everyone involved. 

I’m sorry you feel the way you do but I think you just need to accept it. Don’t say anything. 

Post # 6
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

theresabow :  there’s no reason to be left out just because of gender – but it’s on your brother, not your FSIL, to include you. Your brother can have a groomswoman if he wants to. My DH had a woman standing on his side at our wedding. 

Post # 7
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I wasn’t in my brother’s wedding. My SIL wasn’t in our wedding.  My DH wasn’t in his sister’s wedding, and my brother wasn’t in my wedding or my sister’s wedding.  As it happened, my bro asked me (and our sister) to do a reading, and we asked my SIL to do a reading at ours, but there’s no obligation for a sibling to include you in their wedding party.  Just keep being supportive as much as you can.

Post # 9
Member
45534 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

theresabow :  It’s obvious that your feelings are hurt, but what would you hope to accomplish by raising the subject with them? It would be inappropriate of you to angle for a role in the wedding. It is their wedding. They get to decide who does what.

I have 5 sisters and none of them were in my bridal party, because if I asked one I would have to ask them all, and there was no way I was having a bridal party that size.

Try to focus on being happy for your brother instead of dwelling on your feelings.

Post # 10
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

: ( my feelings would be hurt too.  I have a younger brother & I have learned to lower my expectations of him.  It REALLY sucks, but I really don’t think it’s worth the drama.  Hugs ❤️From one older sister to another

Post # 11
Member
8990 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Bringing it up to them is not going to give you the result that you want. You’ll just end up with further hurt feelings, and if they do then involve you, you’ll always be wondering if they did it just because you brought it up and they did it out of obligation.

No one wants to be involved purely out of obligation.

My brothers were not in my wedding.

My sister in law was not in my wedding, either.

 

You can still be a supportive family member without being involved in the wedding. You’re entitled to feel disappointed, but really, nothing good will come of bringing it up. Continue being a supportive family member.

Post # 12
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

theresabow :  I’m sorry bee, it sucks that neither of them considered you to be  officially a part of the day.

I get that the bride picks her party but I also think that part of getting married is considering your other half and the dynamics they have within family and friend groups. Your brother probably should have said he would like you involved in the bridal party but you know your brother and would probably know if this would even cross his mind as a possibility.

My husband is clueless about these kinds of things. I know this and I included his sister in my bridal party because that to me felt right. He didn’t even consider it and when I told him that was what I would do he was surprised as he thought you only have your people on your side in your bridal party. Once I explained why…he was like oh that makes sense! 🙂 My point is that even if your brother was clueless his fiancé maybe should have thought more about this. Girls tend to understand the wedding process better than the majority of grooms… and if you get along well then it seems like a no brainer.

Their decision may have come out of necessity. I have a friend who is one of four sisters. She is also super close with her female first cousins. Her husband had 2 sisters. She decided that she would only pick her sisters otherwise she would end up with 10 bridesmaids! She also got married in a church that doesn’t allow female groomsmen so that choice was not an option. She felt bad…I’m sure someone’s feelings was hurt in her case but what could she do other than pick only her sisters?? Maybe this was the case with you in your brothers wedding??    

What do you do???…. Well you do nothing and say nothing. That is the best way to support your brother. Weddings are stressful and it is hard to please everyone. Continue being a great sis and in-law. Maybe offer to help with the bachelorette or shower if you want to be more involved. A wedding is one day…family relations are fortunately/unfortunately a lifetime. If you have a great family that you love most of the time then its sometimes easier to let something small pass by without comment. 

Good luck bee. I hope you feel a bit better about it all soon xx

Post # 15
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

It’s disappointing your brother didn’t include you, but you’ll have to move past it. What is happening in this relationship that they need so much support?

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