Post # 61
jcud4 : I’m not saying they do. Sometimes I feel like what I give isn’t reciprocated. Every relationship is different. Of course that’s not why I support them and none of their relationship or wedding is about me, I was just surprisingly hurt when I found out that I wasn’t planned to be in it in any way and that’s what I posted about since I am the only sister and my youngest brother is in it and I consider us close enough but there are other factors that might play into it that I don’t need to make sense of like perhaps me having a baby 9 months before. Who knows.
Post # 62
theresabow : this is really exhausting. it’s probably not reciprocated exactly. They’re younger boys. You’re the older sister. Of course you give a little more or differently. Why are you keeping track of who gives what no why and festering over open wounds, picking at them until they bleed and you can feel even worse?
Back to your constant life theme of dissatisfaction and being left out- what are you doing to make yourself feel better?
Are you going to therapy? Have you joined any groups to meet friends? Is your husband still being disrespectful of you? If so, what are you doing about that?
All of these things you expect from other people in your life while letting your husband off the hook for everything are a bit warped. Your husband should be reciprocating your love, not your brother.
There is one constant in all of these interactions. You.
Look at your post history. You’re often upset over being left out. If you don’t address yourself, this is just going to go on and on, driving people away from you and thereby becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Read this post from the beginning. What have you gotten out of it? What have you seen differently? Nothing, except maybe they have a reason for their choice. But you have not shifted off of your victim position.
It’s fine to vent about hurt feelings,but you never stop the vent. You aren’t doing anything to help yourself. You’re not a victim. You’re a willing participant at this point. Your choice.
Post # 63
theresabow : saying beast in that context isn’t an insult, it’s a compliment. She means you go hard, again that sounds aggressive but it’s hard to convey to someone who doesn’t get that dialect. It just means you can do something that is intense and physically exerting. There seems to be a language or cultural barrier between the two of you that is leading to some misunderstandings.
Post # 64
So here’s an update! Last night they moved and she invited me over. I told them only if I wasn’t interfering and can help because I had three kids with me and she said she will love to see the kids and when we got there after talking, asked if the youngest girls will be flower girls. I was happily surprised! I said of course and that I didn’t realize they were being considered to be in it! She said yes and that they want everyone in it they just haven’t figured out everything and that it’s in a year so they have time. My brother must have been miscommunicating to my parents when he said that. He has a way of pushing me out to get their full attention. Must be a sibling thing. He is the middle child so sometimes I think he tries to do that to get quality one on one time with my parents since he shares their attention with my youngest brother and I but especially me because my mom watches my kids while I work long hours two days a week.
Anyway, I am thrilled and appreciate all the responses! I am happy I took advice and continued to be open, supportive, and giving regardless if I feel appreciated back and thank you for or those who remind me that younger brothers have different ways of showing it. Because his fiance is female I think she is a better communicator so I am happy we got to talk and am now feeling more optimistic about the future as far as my relationship with them and family dynamics. My brother just is a simple worded guy and when he does talk it isn’t always made to keep my feelings in mind which is how guys can be. I am just happy right now so thank you everyone for being honest and pointing out some truths and helping me see things from a different perspective too. I appreciate it.
Post # 65
I disagree with the comments I have read. If you are that close to your brother that he showed you the ring before he proposed, i would definitely talk to him about it. I would flat out ask why I wasn’t included and tell him you are surprised and hurt. I wouldn’t force my way in, but you are only going to feel resentful as the day gets closer, especially if you don’t say something. You don’t have to make a huge federal deal about it, but definitely talk to him.
*Just read your update 🙂 …glad it is all working out!
Post # 66
My brother and I are super close but I know that I would not be chosen as a bridesmaid by his GF if they get married. That’s just how it works; your OP does not indicate that you are great friends with your brother’s fiance – if this is the case then you should not be surprised if you are not as involved as you would like. I’mglad it’s going to work out for you in some ways! It’s good of them to include the kids too. Continue to be supportive and have fun at the wedding.
Post # 67
So here’s an update. My mom told me that my brother and his fiance wanted me to be in their wedding but my mom didn’t want to watch the kids during the ceremony so she told them not to have me in it so I can watch my kids and sit with my husband. She told me she didn’t want me to feel burdoned with the duties and she didnt want to feel burdoned with watching my kids. So that’s that.
Post # 68
Bunnyang : I am pretty good friends with his fiance. I’d say we are close. I just found out about why they didn’t include me and it makes sense to some degree but also I think it’s manageable to be in a wedding with a 9 month old. I know people who have done it.
Post # 69
theresabow : well for you to be a bridesmaid the responsibility for your child is passed to someone else and it’s understandable that your mom would rather focus on her sons wedding rather than babysit your child so that you can stand about in matching dresses with the other girls.
Post # 70
theresabow : Why would your mother watch your children during the ceremony and not your husband?
Post # 71
theresabow : “but my mom didn’t want to watch the kids during the ceremony so she told them not to have me in it so I can watch my kids and sit with my husband.”
What? Why would your mother be watching your kids when your husband (otherwise known as their father!) is right there?
Post # 72
Does your mother often interfere in your life this way? Does she understand the situation she caused?
And, as PPs asked, why did she assume she would end up having to watch your children?
Post # 73
llevinso : this is the problem. She says she doesn’t believe that my husband will watch them which is absurd. She also doesn’t want me to have to buy a dress I’ll wear once. To me that’s nothing. This is a problem with my mom. She thinks she’ll need a lot of time to get ready and I’ll need to get the 2 youngest- they’ll be almost 3 and 6- ready to be flower girls and won’t be able to get myself ready or participate. Keep in mind my older kids are indeed older- they’ll be 12, almost 10, and 8 then so they can use common sense to be respectful during a ceremony and sit with my husband too while he holds a 9 month old. I don’t know but with older kids they’re pretty self sufficient and with relatives around anyway they’re pretty well behaved and “watched”. My mom loves to treat me like crap and make me out to be boring or unimportant when it comes to my brothers. It’s her way to give them attention but its miserable for me.
Post # 74
beethree : she acts like she does everything for them because she watches them 2 days a week while I work which is helpful and has enrolled them in activities and paid for them although often I end up taking them. She tries to do things to feel important and helpful but sometimes she doesn’t help. She tends to spoil my kids with things we don’t buy and that’s her way to get power too. She has always been a problem in my life to be honest and has always caused division between my family and I. She doesn’t care about how anyone else feels but herself and that’s pretty typical and always has been her repsonse was telling me to deal with it and that I have to go to my brothers wedding no matter how I feel. What if I just say I don’t want to go and don’t if this is the dynamic I rather avoid? She is the one who doesn’t value my husband or I. She just likes our kids but she doesn’t have to see them either.
Post # 75
- Wedding: July 2019 - Southampton, Hants, UK
I’m sorry your mom interfered like that! That was selfish of her. But I’m glad you know now why you weren’t asked, so hopefully that makes you feel better.