(Closed) not in brother's wedding, but my husband is…

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Can’t you just ask your brother what’s going on? I would just say “hey, awhile ago you said that (brother’s fiance) was going to ask me to be in the wedding party. Was that still the plan?” and see what he says.

I can understand being left out but maybe she just doesn’t feel it’s right to ask you if she has closer friends. Maybe they just can’t think of somewhere to put you. I know that’s hard but she would probably rather her close friends or her family be her bm’s.

Post # 4
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Does your brother have a lot of friends? Maybe he was feeling kind of lame and couldn’t come up with someone better, and so asked his Brother-In-Law (not that your husband isn’t awesome, but you indicated they didn’t know each other all that well). I know it stinks, and it definitely is a bit awkward, but since your son is the ring bearer as well, you’ll still be involved in the rehearsal/dinner, etc. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, but I do think you could just casually ask– “hey bro, Darling Husband asked if I’d heard from Future Sister-In-Law, and I was just wondering what the plan was?”

Post # 5
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I, personally, would let my Darling Husband back out of being best man and the both of you could just attend as guests.  If your brother and Future Sister-In-Law are old enough to get married, they are old enough to pick up the phone and ask you to be in the bridal party or straight up tell you that they don’t want you to stand next to them for whatever reason. 

Why can’t you just call your brother and ask him what the deal is?

Post # 6
2905 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I wonder if she thought she’d be asking for too much by asking you to do the flowers and be a bridesmaid? I adore my sister in law, but since we asked my brother to be a groomsman and their daughter to be the flower girl, I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid because I thought it was asking too much from one family – not only would they need to buy my brother’s suit and niece’s dress, but my SIL would have to buy a bridesmaid’s dress. It’s possible they thought, “LavenderLilac is going to be so busy setting up the flowers that day, we don’t want to add more stress by asking her to be a bridesmaid.” 

Post # 7
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Maybe they felt that one of you needed to be free of wedding party duties to keep an eye on your son? You’re almost in the wedding party as ring bearer wrangler (I’m assuming he’s young and needs lots of supervision)

Post # 8
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@LavenderLilac:  Your brother picks his groomsmen, your Future Sister-In-Law picks her bridal party. I don’t see the problem. It’s not like you’re not invited to the wedding, right? Personally, I had all of my husband’s sisters in my bridal party, but only one of their husbands were a groomsmen and I picked and chose which of their children were in the wedding. Some kids sat out. That’s the way it goes. 


Encourage your husband to keep the commitment he made. 

Post # 9
10601 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

It sounds like she just might have others she is closer with to have has BMs.  Saying something about being in the wedding might have meant something other than being in the wedding party.  It sounds like they really are trying to include your family, and they probably do mean it as a way to be inclusive to you too.

Also, sometimes family crap happens.  SIL was supposed to be a groomsperson.  My parents flipped out over it, I had no idea and SIL hadn’t been directly asked yet but it had been brought up casually.

Post # 13
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LavenderLilac:  I don’t get what your husband is so mad about, especially since you aren’t mad?  It seems like your Future Sister-In-Law has better friends she’d rather have as her BMs (and you acknowledge you two aren’t close) and your Brother-In-Law maybe doesn’t have as many friends so he chose family members instead.  It seems like it would be really mean for your husband to back out at this point.  Other than walking down the aisle together, I’m not sure how you being in the bridal party would affect your husband’s experience all that much.  And you are involved, you’re doing the flowers 🙂 

Post # 15
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@LavenderLilac:  Your husband should have yes because it is your brother, not because he thought you would be “standing with him”.  I am confused how you were told you were in the wedding party and not made a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Are you sure your being “in the wedding” was not by doing the flowers? My other thought is perhaps your brother told you and so your Future Sister-In-Law didnt think she needed to “re-ask” you?

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