Post # 1
This is long, sorry, but I really need advice. I was not asked to be in my brother’s wedding (I am his only sibling) and to be honest, I was really okay with that because I am already doing all the flowers for their wedding and I am not that close with Future Sister-In-Law because they have only been together a year.
However, my brother told me I would be in it a few months ago because he and his fiancée talked about it and he then asked my husband to be his best man (they are not really that close either so this was a surprise to us). My husband accepted the offer because he assumed I would be in the bridal party along with him. Fast forward three months, I was never asked by Future Sister-In-Law to be a bridesmaid (I understand, we aren’t close) but my brother is still insisting my husband be his best man even though I am not in the wedding after being told I was.
Now, my brother has put my son in the wedding as ring bearer and he even is having our father being escorted down the aisle by our father’s girlfriend. My husband feels like I am being disrespected because I was told I would be in it with him and come to find out my whole family is taking part in this wedding except for me. My husband doesn’t want to be in the wedding anymore but I know I can’t really say anything to my brother. I am really unsure of how to handle this situation. I don’t want my husband to back out of being his best man but I understand he feels it just isn’t right what has happened. Any thoughts? Thanks.
***Thank you for all of your input. I agree with many of your comments. My husband will still be in the wedding and even though I feel I deserve an explanation I am not going to not say a word because it doesn’t really matter, I am going to be there to support my brother either way. Everyone, just do the wedding world a favor and do not invite someone to stand up in your wedding and then casually act as though it never happened, especially if it is a family member.
Post # 3
Can’t you just ask your brother what’s going on? I would just say “hey, awhile ago you said that (brother’s fiance) was going to ask me to be in the wedding party. Was that still the plan?” and see what he says.
I can understand being left out but maybe she just doesn’t feel it’s right to ask you if she has closer friends. Maybe they just can’t think of somewhere to put you. I know that’s hard but she would probably rather her close friends or her family be her bm’s.
Post # 4
Does your brother have a lot of friends? Maybe he was feeling kind of lame and couldn’t come up with someone better, and so asked his Brother-In-Law (not that your husband isn’t awesome, but you indicated they didn’t know each other all that well). I know it stinks, and it definitely is a bit awkward, but since your son is the ring bearer as well, you’ll still be involved in the rehearsal/dinner, etc. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, but I do think you could just casually ask– “hey bro, Darling Husband asked if I’d heard from Future Sister-In-Law, and I was just wondering what the plan was?”
Post # 5
I, personally, would let my Darling Husband back out of being best man and the both of you could just attend as guests. If your brother and Future Sister-In-Law are old enough to get married, they are old enough to pick up the phone and ask you to be in the bridal party or straight up tell you that they don’t want you to stand next to them for whatever reason.
Why can’t you just call your brother and ask him what the deal is?
Post # 6
I wonder if she thought she’d be asking for too much by asking you to do the flowers and be a bridesmaid? I adore my sister in law, but since we asked my brother to be a groomsman and their daughter to be the flower girl, I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid because I thought it was asking too much from one family – not only would they need to buy my brother’s suit and niece’s dress, but my SIL would have to buy a bridesmaid’s dress. It’s possible they thought, “LavenderLilac is going to be so busy setting up the flowers that day, we don’t want to add more stress by asking her to be a bridesmaid.”
Post # 7
Maybe they felt that one of you needed to be free of wedding party duties to keep an eye on your son? You’re almost in the wedding party as ring bearer wrangler (I’m assuming he’s young and needs lots of supervision)
Post # 8
@LavenderLilac: Your brother picks his groomsmen, your Future Sister-In-Law picks her bridal party. I don’t see the problem. It’s not like you’re not invited to the wedding, right? Personally, I had all of my husband’s sisters in my bridal party, but only one of their husbands were a groomsmen and I picked and chose which of their children were in the wedding. Some kids sat out. That’s the way it goes.
Encourage your husband to keep the commitment he made.
Post # 9
It sounds like she just might have others she is closer with to have has BMs. Saying something about being in the wedding might have meant something other than being in the wedding party. It sounds like they really are trying to include your family, and they probably do mean it as a way to be inclusive to you too.
Also, sometimes family crap happens. SIL was supposed to be a groomsperson. My parents flipped out over it, I had no idea and SIL hadn’t been directly asked yet but it had been brought up casually.
Post # 10
@KatieBklyn: +1 This was my first thought
Post # 11
I agree with that completely. At the same time, I was told I was in the wedding and that’s why my husband accepted the offer. If he had known I wasn’t i actually going to be in it then he would have turned it down. They didn’t keep their commitment to having me in their wedding party so why should my husband have to keep his commitment? (at least thats how he feels, I still want him to do it as to not cause any issues) I do find it in extremely poor taste to invite someone to be in your wedding party and then not have them. But I also don’t feel it is right for me to say anything because I do agree that the bride gets to pick who she wants. This is why the situation is so difficult.
Post # 12
No. I was just asked to do the flowers last week as I am doing it for free and they wanted to save money. They had their bridal party figured out long before this.
Post # 13
@LavenderLilac: I don’t get what your husband is so mad about, especially since you aren’t mad? It seems like your Future Sister-In-Law has better friends she’d rather have as her BMs (and you acknowledge you two aren’t close) and your Brother-In-Law maybe doesn’t have as many friends so he chose family members instead. It seems like it would be really mean for your husband to back out at this point. Other than walking down the aisle together, I’m not sure how you being in the bridal party would affect your husband’s experience all that much. And you are involved, you’re doing the flowers 🙂
Post # 14
I am fine not being bridesmaid. I dont know her that well and she has her own friends. My husband is the one who doesn’t feel right being in the wedding anymore after we were told we would both be in it.
Post # 15
@LavenderLilac: Your husband should have yes because it is your brother, not because he thought you would be “standing with him”. I am confused how you were told you were in the wedding party and not made a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Are you sure your being “in the wedding” was not by doing the flowers? My other thought is perhaps your brother told you and so your Future Sister-In-Law didnt think she needed to “re-ask” you?
Post # 16
I think he feels like it is wrong of him to stand up there and be a best man. Like I said, we were surprised we were even asked because I am not close with Future Sister-In-Law and my husband isn’t close with my brother. My husband said he would be best man since I was supposed to be in the wedding with him. Now he doesn’t feel it is the right thing to do since they backed out on having me in the wedding.