Not in love with engagement ring, help

posted 5 days ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2021 - Australia

I think some of the other PP’s made some great suggestions. Have this set in another design you like, maybe a single halo, “three stone” but with clusters on each side instead of a single stone, or maybe a solitaire, and use the other stones to make an eternity style wedding band, or even some earrings! 

I like these for example:

 

Post # 17
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I would consider using the center stone in another engagement ring setting you love, and putting a gemstone back into your original ring to wear as a right hand ring for special occasions. (Maybe your or your husband’s birthstone, or corresponding birthstone to the month you married?)

Post # 18
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

I think this is a chance to learn an important lesson about honest communication. It would have been better to be honest and tell him the ring is not your style earlier, so it could be returned for money back. I’m also at a loss to why you wouldn’t ask him WHY he changed the original plan. It seems to me you are kinda meek around this guy, most of your interaction with him on this subject is you trying to not upset him. 

Personally that ring is not my style and I would not have worn it for a year. Was the ring style you wanted complicated? FH and I didn’t talk about rings too much but I let him know the elements I wanted (rose gold, solitaire round, no side diamonds or diamonds around the band) and he got exactly that, it’s perfect. It’s troubling your fiancé wasn’t able to get a ring you liked if you specifically told him what you likes (unless again, what you liked was complicated and he got mixed up?)

Post # 20
Member
13358 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I have to agree you really had your best opportunity to address this back when he didn’t follow the plan to let you pick out your own ring. A double halo is not to everyone’s taste. But considering he went back on his word and has known all this time you do not love the ring, I also think it’s unfair and concerning that he got angry at you. 

At this point I’d consider changing the setting and keeping the center stone as the sentimental element. You could use the small stones to make a new necklace, ring, or bracelet, or put another gem into the original setting. 

ETA I just saw your alarming update. The ring is not your issue. Please think long and hard about marrying someone who has already shown evidence of a bad temper, to the point where you are afraid to speak to him. That’s a big red flag and a trait that usually gets worse, especially after marriage. 

Post # 21
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

I mean yeah. My husband set my grandmother’s diamond in a halo setting. I linked him to a simple solitaire setting i love and he told me it was too simple and he didn’t like it. He wanted me to have something fancier. I told him a month or two after the wedding how I felt about it. He was a little hurt because he worked so hard but agreed to let me get a different ring later on.

So I wear the one he gave me fairly happily because I do appreciate his effort. Nothing will ever replace it as the engagement ring and I plan to offer it to my daughter later on and if she doesn’t want it, maybe a granddaughter if I am lucky. And while I wait I just work on planning the perfect ring because he wants to get me some different jewellery after we do this ring and one extra band. I just have to be patient for us to be in a position to do it first.

Post # 22
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@sunnybug:  I’m glad you talked about it. Maybe he’d understand if you compared it to buying him a watch he hated and expected him to wear it daily. Like the one below. (assuming it’s not his style!)

EDIT: I also just saw your comment about his temper. Please DO NOT marry a man with a temper! He seems to be controlling you with it in small and large ways. You deserve better, and better is absolutely out there!

Post # 23
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

He has a temper and is easily offended?

THE RING IS NOT THE PROBLEM

It took you a year to openly bring up that you don’t love something you’re expected to wear daily, for the rest of your life?

THE RING IS NOT THE PROBLEM

He is unsecure about the ring from your last marriage?

THE RING IS NOT THE PROBLEM

He deviated from the original plan to propose with a stand in for no reason, he chose a ring that was clearly not your taste, he proposed AFTER the return deadline, and he’s still “angry” that you don’t like it? He’s the one who took the risk THREE times 

I think he knew you wanted a bigger stone, couldn’t afford it, so he got the flashiest ring he could afford to make up for it. A double halo isn’t a super common style, but it does provide finger coverage at less expense. Chances are he proposed after the return period so he wouldn’t have to go through an awkward budget talk with you. Chances are he knew exactly what he was doing.

THE RING IS NOT THE PROBLEM

Your house is on fire and yet you’re tip toeing around about a piece of carbon because you’re afraid of offending your temperamental, easily offended, insecure FH, with whom you can’t openly communicate.

Anger is a dealbreaker for me, 100%. It’s not something couples counseling can fix. It’s a him problem. I say give the ring back, reflect on why you care more about a ring than an anger management issue, and try to pick better partners. I don’t say this lightly. I see an overall dynamic in the relationship where you both turn a blind eye, him to your obvious dissatisfaction, you to a serious personality flaw.

Post # 24
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

If he knew you were picky to begin with, why did he choose such a very specific design and not just a simple solitaire? I’d ask him bluntly why he chose that particular ring over others. My hunch tells me he asked another woman in his life (mom/sister/etc) what they would pick and went with it. 

Post # 25
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee

The ring is not the problem.  

The man is.  

Post # 27
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

View original reply
@sunnybug:  I’m glad you were able to resolve this specific issue.

But that said, you do not  merely find his behavior childish – you are afraid of it. Not saying you’re afraid he’ll physically hurt you – but you are clearly afraid of his anger and his reaction to things, or you wouldn’t have swallowed this for a YEAR without saying anything. Be honest with yourself and really think if you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like the last year.

See how easy this was to fix? This could have all been settled easily a year ago if he were more reasonable and less angry/offended. That’s no small thing. If this causes a year of uneasiness over a simple rings exchange, how will you guys handle the Big Issues that comes up in life?

Post # 28
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

View original reply
@sunnybug:  I get it – not my style either. A little too blingy. Not ugly by any means though. I’d take PP’s advice – use some of the stones in a new, more modern setting. 

ETA: saw your update. Glad it worked out!

Post # 29
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

So glad you were both able to work it out in a relatively adult fashion! And that’s wonderful they bought back the old setting. Let’s see the new ring!! 🙂

Post # 30
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

View original reply
@sunnybug:  with your latest update, you implied that when he’s not “calm,” he is nonsensical. It took a whole year to resolve a piece of jewelry. I agree with PP, how are you going to resolve real life issues? Have YOU learned anything from this?

Again, THE RING IS NOT THE PROBLEM. A year after the fact, after tiptoeing around him, you came to a happy resolution. You don’t get this kind of leeeay with real life problems, such as what to do with kids or house buying.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors