(Closed) Not in the same “place”

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@TG20: I’m pretty young (23) and while we had this problem with fiance’s original friends (who I must say were butt-holes) we haven’t encountered this problem with our newer friends. Also, I have to say that Fiance is my best-friend.

This is a transitional period in your life and that’s the way you need to view it–not as bad or good–just transitional. Fiance’s original friends had issues with us being engaged. We made new friends, ones who knew us as a couple who have no problems relating. One of my friends is married, we have some that are in couples, and some that are single–but in one way or another we all relate to eachother.

You just need to find other couples to pair up with.

Post # 4
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

No, certainly best friends aren’t just for high school.  I’m 28, I’ve had the same best friend since I was 15.  He’s a guy so I’ve also had the same best girlfriend since I was 16.  Through all this time, there’s a lot of back and forth.  It’s natural for people to spend a lot of time with people who are in the same life stages.  Couples hang out with couples, singles go out with single friends.  That’s not to say there isn’t a mix, but you can’t be at the bar until 2am on a Tuesday night when you have someone at home.

My closest girlfriend and I grew apart a bit when Fiance and I got together.  But since then she has found a wonderful man and settled down herself.  I guarentee as your friends pass into the stage in life that you are in now, you’ll see them come full circle.

Post # 5
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I’m not engaged yet (soon!) but my SO and I have experienced similar sentiments from people who are in our same stage in life.  I think what happens is that people wrongly assume that your life revolves around your SO/FI/DH and that you would prefer to hang out with just him.  You may have declined one invitation once a long time ago and they took it as a rejection and are not willing to invite anymore because they assume you will decline again.  Or maybe you never declined an invitation but they fear you will.  This happens all the time with me, people don’t invite me to anything because they think I just want to be with my SO all the time.  Well, I do, but I also want to have a social life and won’t shrivel up in a ball and cry if I’m apart from him!  

I think this is a time for some heart-to-hearts with these people you were once close to.  Sit them down and say that you feel them distancing from you and that you hope you haven’t given them the wrong impression and that you would love nothing more than to maintain or renew your close relationships – without your FI/DH present at every get together(i.e. girl time!).  Maybe setting up a dedicated time like every Sunday night or whatever could help?

Post # 6
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Nothing much changed for us, but we are probably older than you and had been living together for a few years before we got engaged. 

I think friendships evolve and change as you get older.  I noticed this after college.  People get busy with their jobs, some get into relationships, have kids, travel, etc.  It just gets harder to make time for people… and I think because of that people tend to gravitate toward other people who are doing the same thing that they are.  Still, try your best to reach out to your friends.  It is hard to be the first to do anything, and it may require a little more effort on your part, but it is important to have friends.  I’d also suggest trying to meet other couples.

What exactly do you mean by this:  “Is it something you outgrow in the married stages of life as your husband and family take precedence over friends.”  Are you saying that your FH doesn’t take precedence over your friends?  Are your friends saying that he shouldn’t?

Post # 7
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think with time that’ll change – PP’s are right in suggesting that many people assume that in a pretty new marrige the couple would rather be left alone, or not want to go do ‘single’ things.  You might need to be more proactive in being the one who calls others to go do things – after a while of you setting up movie nights or girls’ nights, etc. people will start calling you and inviting you.

As for a ‘best friend’, my best friend IS my Boyfriend or Best Friend – I’ve never been too good at keeping grifl friends simply because they tend to dat a guy friend of mine and then when it goes badly they drop all of the group and find a new guy to date and hang out with his friends.  I ahve some female friends, but all of us ARE pretty much more inclined to spend time with our BF/FI/H than just a girl group – I’m trying to plan some chick-movie nights just to break up to monotony (but I am too lazy most weekends to try).  It’s great if you’re able to click with a girl and have a best friend – I’ve not been that lucky, having grown up moving often as a kid and not finding many like-minded girls (always been a bit of a tomboy) to share things with, or THEY end up moving right when I’m getting to know them.  That’s just life – it ebbs and flows.  One year you’ll have a full social calendar, the next you’ll be relaxing more at home.  Just take it as it comes.

On another note, as more of your friends join you in being part of married couples themselves, they WILL look more for other marrieds to spend time with, and especially whene veryone starts having kids, they’ll want to set up playtimes with other parents.  Single people can feel weird with the married couple, simply because you’ve taken a stepn that they either want to take but can’t yet, or they are afraid of.  Also, many ‘singles’ pursuits are not super-marrige friendly, like trolling clubs and hitting on guys/chicks, and that ring on your hand isn’t enough to make the most persistent person back off – its a challenge to them. So people feel the married man/woman won’t want to go out.

Call people and invite them to do things – do it enough and people will see you guys still want to do things with friends.

Post # 8
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I just came back to this post . . . you posted last month that two girls were pretty much fighting over being your Maid/Matron of Honor and were very involved in your wedding.  What changed? Did u get in a fight?

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think in younger relationships, your friendships will evolve and change.  Everyone is in a different stage of their lives, and you just can’t alwasy relate.  We have lost touch with a lot of close friends, and sometimes it sucks, and sometimes it was the right thing.   I know it sucks to feel alone, but I honestly am one of those people who could be happy with just my husband around 99% of the time

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