Not included in wedding party but still expected to cough up???!

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1598 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Ummmm. Your sister sucks. Sorry. I can’t believe she has the nerve to expect you to contribute anything to a shower (other than attending as a guest) after refusing to include her in her bridal party! Maybe tell her you don’t feel comfortable being involved, and suggest this is her MOH’s time to shine :/. 

Post # 3
4778 posts
Honey bee

No one (including the wedding party) is obligated to host or otherwise contribute to a shower.  Anyone, including people outside the wedding party, can offer to host a shower – but it’s something that is offered and accepted, not mandated by the bride.

You did not offer and you are not obligated.  So, if people are inquiring like they are expecting to contribute, just say no.  “Oh, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, but I’m not available to co-host a shower.  I appreciate that you like some of the things I’ve done.  I’ll send a few recipes your way or a link to the supply shop where I bought the decorations if that will help you with where to start.”  And then just be done if there’s any further talk of you contributing any more time than that or financially.

Post # 4
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Here’s a start for you >>>> “I think not and you can f*ck off with this absolute nonsense.” I’m sure there’s a more polite version I just don’t think she deserves it. 😄

Post # 5
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I would say your obligation is to show up to the shower, with a gift, if you wish.

ETA, I like what heavenlyflower said better. Do that. 

Post # 6
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

You wouldn’t owe her that even if you were a bridesmaid never mind the fact that you aren’t. Let her know you won’t be hosting or contributing. 

Post # 7
3952 posts
Honey bee

I would be the grey rock. And if asked pointedly, say you are not able to co-host. No apologies, no explanations, and then bean dip.

Post # 8
47289 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would respond with a short message asking who is hosting the shower.

Post # 9
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
spridzeklis :  I agree with all of the PPs, you are not obligated to do anything or even attend her bridal shower that SHE seems to be planning.

I would clarify any assumptions and be done with it. 

Post # 10
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Wow your sister has some balls.

Post # 11
1767 posts
Buzzing bee

Tell her NO!

Post # 12
2723 posts
Sugar bee

She is WAY out of bounds deliberately not including you – knowing full well it could cause issues – and then expecting you to still do all of the grunt work of ‘bridesmaids duties’ (which aren’t even a real thing) without any of the honour. You’re perfectly within etiquette to call her up and let her know that there must have been a misunderstanding, but you’re not actually able to co-host/plan her shower. If she balks, remind her that it’s the duty of a bridesmaids and maid of honour and she chose not to have you in the wedding party.Try not to let it come off as though you’re doing it to ‘get back’ at her and say that you’re not offended by that decision not to include you, but it’s also not your responsibility. Do it soon so she can’t pull the whole ‘but now it’s too late to find someone new!’ thing.

Post # 13
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Yeah no. Tell her “sorry for the misunderstanding, I’m not available. I’m sure your Maid/Matron of Honor has got it.” That’s the nice version.

Post # 14
12822 posts
Honey Beekeeper

What an entitled brat. What everyone else has said. 

Post # 15
5469 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Haha this is a non-issue. Tell her to tell your bf what her budget is for the alcohol and he can see what he can do and that he will need a check or cash for the order as per store policy. And then you can tell her/message her that she can get some style inspiration for her shower on instagram and to send it along to her Maid/Matron of Honor. 

But I love how a pp phrased it, that you’re unavailable to help with the shower and you’re sure her Maid/Matron of Honor got this.

Your obligation=show up, bring a gift,  go home.

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