Post # 1
So, here’s the thing. My only sister and I have never been very close, but have always looked out for each other, hugged and made up, etc.. When I was not asked to be her maid of honor, I wasn’t that surprised, but I was shocked when she told me that I wasn’t going to be in her wedding party at all (against my mom’s advice, which she used as kind of a “mom says our relationship will never recover if I don’t do this but whatever, I do what I want” kind of excuse when she told me over the phone). Ouch, but I’ve accepted it and am trying to move on with building some kind of relationship.
Fast forward to this week, when she includes me in a group message planning her wedding shower with our sister in law (SIL), who is also not a bridesmaid, and her maid of honor, who is her high school best friend. Phrases such as “I will defer to the styling of (me) and (sister in law)” by the maid of honor and “I loved the stuff (me) did for (SIL)’s shower” from my sister start popping up and I’m pretty confused. She also asked my boyfriend (who manages a fancy liquor store) if he could supply wine, which he is pretty uncomfortable with. I haven’t contributed to the conversation yet because I’ve been at work and don’t want to throw a hand grenade into what is hopefully a fun party planning experience.
A bit of reference: for my SIL’s shower, I worked my butt off, because I was her bridesmaid and knew my sister wasn’t going to contribute much. I’m a chef by trade and catered the whole event, picked out gorgeous summery wines, created cocktails, handmade most of the decorations (upwards of 70 hours of sewing, shopping and crafting) and blew out a credit card doing it, because my SIL and I have a good relationship and I wanted to be sure she had the shower she deserved. And, I did all of this living 2 hours away from the event.
So, what is my financial/time obligation for this shower? I’m not in the wedding party. I was never asked if I would be willing to contribute. My SIL seems like she’s ok with all of this, but I feel like I’m being coerced into this because I’m good at what I do and have always bent over backwards financially to accomidate my sister. I’m expecting to have an honest conversation with my sister about my discomfort, but I don’t even know where to start.
Post # 2
Ummmm. Your sister sucks. Sorry. I can’t believe she has the nerve to expect you to contribute anything to a shower (other than attending as a guest) after refusing to include her in her bridal party! Maybe tell her you don’t feel comfortable being involved, and suggest this is her MOH’s time to shine :/.
Post # 3
No one (including the wedding party) is obligated to host or otherwise contribute to a shower. Anyone, including people outside the wedding party, can offer to host a shower – but it’s something that is offered and accepted, not mandated by the bride.
You did not offer and you are not obligated. So, if people are inquiring like they are expecting to contribute, just say no. “Oh, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, but I’m not available to co-host a shower. I appreciate that you like some of the things I’ve done. I’ll send a few recipes your way or a link to the supply shop where I bought the decorations if that will help you with where to start.” And then just be done if there’s any further talk of you contributing any more time than that or financially.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Here’s a start for you >>>> “I think not and you can f*ck off with this absolute nonsense.” I’m sure there’s a more polite version I just don’t think she deserves it. 😄
Post # 5
I would say your obligation is to show up to the shower, with a gift, if you wish.
ETA, I like what heavenlyflower said better. Do that.
Post # 6
You wouldn’t owe her that even if you were a bridesmaid never mind the fact that you aren’t. Let her know you won’t be hosting or contributing.
Post # 7
I would be the grey rock. And if asked pointedly, say you are not able to co-host. No apologies, no explanations, and then bean dip.
Post # 8
I would respond with a short message asking who is hosting the shower.
Post # 9
I agree with all of the PPs, you are not obligated to do anything or even attend her bridal shower that SHE seems to be planning.
I would clarify any assumptions and be done with it.
Post # 10
Wow your sister has some balls.
Post # 12
She is WAY out of bounds deliberately not including you – knowing full well it could cause issues – and then expecting you to still do all of the grunt work of ‘bridesmaids duties’ (which aren’t even a real thing) without any of the honour. You’re perfectly within etiquette to call her up and let her know that there must have been a misunderstanding, but you’re not actually able to co-host/plan her shower. If she balks, remind her that it’s the duty of a bridesmaids and maid of honour and she chose not to have you in the wedding party.Try not to let it come off as though you’re doing it to ‘get back’ at her and say that you’re not offended by that decision not to include you, but it’s also not your responsibility. Do it soon so she can’t pull the whole ‘but now it’s too late to find someone new!’ thing.
Post # 13
Yeah no. Tell her “sorry for the misunderstanding, I’m not available. I’m sure your Maid/Matron of Honor has got it.” That’s the nice version.
Post # 14
What an entitled brat. What everyone else has said.
Post # 15
Haha this is a non-issue. Tell her to tell your bf what her budget is for the alcohol and he can see what he can do and that he will need a check or cash for the order as per store policy. And then you can tell her/message her that she can get some style inspiration for her shower on instagram and to send it along to her Maid/Matron of Honor.
But I love how a pp phrased it, that you’re unavailable to help with the shower and you’re sure her Maid/Matron of Honor got this.
Your obligation=show up, bring a gift, go home.