Post # 1
Me 21yo, and my fiance 26 yo, have been together for 3 years and are getting married at the end of this year.
His family are having a holiday in a few weeks (just an English holiday) and I am not invited. I get on quite well with his family so I hinted to him that I would like to come along (of course I expect to pay my own way!). He kind of asked his parents if i could come along since he even told me they had a spare space in the Chalet they are staying in. However, he suddenly said he feels bad as he hasn’t spent much time with his family recently (he still lives at home?!) and feels bad as he feels his parents want one last family holiday like the good old days before he moves out and we get married. Am I right to feel hurt or am I being crazy? Being a part of his family is very important to me so I feel hurt that they must not see me as part of their family as much as I thought they did. They’re always very supportive of our relationship and he always says his family love me, I’m just unsure whether this is the case.
Any advice would be appreciated because it feels irrational to be this hurt
Post # 2
I don’t see anything wrong with them having one last family holiday before their son gets married. Especially, if you don’t live together (you and your fiance). Think about it this way, if you had a daughter wouldn’t you want to do something special with her before she was married? If they generally treat you well, I think this is not something you should be worrying about.
However, you can’t control your feelings. I would just try to keep them to myself if I were in your shoes
Post # 3
I would probably feel like of hurt too. I would just make sure your fiancé knows that after marriage you will not be ok with this and see how he takes it. If it’s a last hurrah, cool. If it’s going to be a thing they do without you… no.
Post # 4
There is no right or wrong when it comes to our feelings. Feelings help us process things that are going on in our lives. While you may be hurt, their choice may very well have nothing to do with you. As your Fiance says, it may be their way of spending more time together before ther family enlarges to include you.
Post # 5
kmjkh : that’s given me a new perspective on it thank you! I’m glad I’m just being a lil over dramatic, thanks for the reply 🙂 I will keep them to myself for now, because I don’t want to make him feel bad either as he already feels a bit torn about it
Post # 6
julies1949 : missconvy : thanks both! I already feel less bad about it. It makes sense when I think of it this way 🙂 im an overthinker by nature so was probably making it seem worse in my mind than it actually is!
Post # 7
This is one of those things that kinda depends on their general relationship with you. Are they generally kind to you? Do they generally make you feel included typically? Is this a one last huurah type of thing only? Personally, this would really hurt my feelings, BUT I’d get over it if they were just wanting one last old times vacation with their family member. In MY family, we would consider my brother and his girlfriend a unit if he had a girlfriend that long, ESPECIALLY if they were getting married soon. We would never invite just HIM without her so as not to make her feel excluded…otherwise we literally wouldn’t go. BUT! There are still traditional people who think that your FAMILY is #1, so if you’re not married, your FAMILY = the family you grew up with… not your partner (even if she is your soon to be wife). That’s not my family, but other people have different boundaries that I can respect.
Post # 9
This doesn’t sound right. You should already be treated like a part of the family. You are all adults. The family only vacations are over once a new member of the family is joining. Even serious girlfriends and boyfriends! I don’t know why they wouldn’t automatically have you join them. It isn’t right to exclude you, especially as a fiancé. You should definitely be included, and he should have just assumed you’d be going! He’s in his mid 20’s. Certainly not a little boy anymore.
Post # 10
I don’t think this is unusual. If it continues after marriage, then yes, that would be a problem.
Post # 11
Totally understand feeling left out, but I do think him going for “one last holiday” with just his family before he gets married is completely fine. Hopefully they are nice people and usually inclusive with you, so they just know that this is the last time before the family dynamic changes. I’d try to just wish him a good trip with them and know that soon you two will be married and then officially family yourselves. 🙂
Post # 12
Lemon99 : I have a lot of issues with my fmil not including me and I’m in therapy (not just for that but for other anxiety related issues as well) and I learned that the important thing is I can’t control how she acts and as long as my fiance stands by me and defends me that’s what matters. I remain polite to my fmil but I am slowly but surely learning to come to terms with the fact that if after 8 years and living with her son she doesn’t include me as part of the family that’s her problem and I can’t change her and she most likely won’t ever change. Let me also clarify his mom is not the least bit religious so her excluding me was not based on religious grounds and she lives with her non engaged bf so it was clearly personal to me.
My point in saying all that is to say to you as long as your fiance stand by you and defends you that’s the most important thing. Where I live a fiance is considered a social unit and it is pretty much unheard of to exclude a fiance from a family vacation. Is his mom religious in anyway where she believes unmarried couples shouldn’t sleep together? If not it’s pretty rude to leave you out. I’m also concerned your fiance seems to feel more of a loyalty towards his family of origin when you should now be his main family or at least equally as important to them. You need to have a calm talk IMO with your fiance about priorities.
Also I’m a little concerned that you use the word hinted at to describe your feelings of exclusion to your fiance. Girl you are going to marry this man you should be able to come right out and say how you feel.
Post # 13
While the parents might want a family only holiday and while there’s nothing wrong with that, there’s not much right about it either. It would be very strange to tell my son that his fiance cant join us on a vacation.
I’ll be frank and say that while this may not rise to the level of a red flag, there’s something about the family’s actions (parents and fiance) that I find very disturbing. Were I in your shoes, I would not be pleased and I’d probably be a lot chillier to the ILs in the future. I wouldn’t be thrilled with my fiance either.
Post # 14
Is he an only child? They sound weirdly possessive of the 26 year old son who still lives with them.
I definitely went on family trips with my DH’s family before we were married. You may legally become family at marriage but they should be treating you like family now especially since the wedding is fast approaching. This is setting a bad precedent imo.
You’re not an outsider and they don’t need “one last trip” as if you’re going to steal him away from ever seeing his parents.
Post # 15
My issue with this story is that it sounds like your fiance’s family are treated both of you like teenagers who asked for permission to sleep over rather than two adults who are about to get married.