(Closed) Not Invited to Family Vacation

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
590 posts
Busy bee

This would upset me too. I could understand the first year, but they clearly know how serious the relationship is. Do you get along with them otherwise?

Your bf should play dumb and assume you are invited. “What flight are we on so I can book Elizabee a ticket?” 

Post # 3
Member
3778 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Not wrong at all.  I would be sad and hurt too.  Unless you guys are really young, like 21-22 still?

What does your boyfriend think?  Of the two people I’ve dated for 5 years, I don’t think either of them would have wanted to go on a big vacation without me.  We always included serious SOs on family vacations.  Does he not care?  Was he just like, “We’re going to Cabo, see you when I get back!” ?  To me, that would be even weirder and more hurtful than his family not inviting me.

Post # 4
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

 Eh.  It depends on the dynamic I guess.   My parents never went with my sister or I’s husbands until we were married, but that seemed normal to me.  If it really bothers you, I’d ask your boyfriend to talk to his family about it.

Post # 5
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’d also be pretty upset. I do wonder the reason. Are they not allowing anyone to invite friends this year? Does he have siblings his parents want him to entertain? Could they be tight on money? Do they know your boyfriend is about to propose so they want a final “family” only trip?

I’m with @bostonbee2018. I think your boyfriend should be able to advocate for you here. Or at least figure out what their excuse is. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

It seems strange to me. My SOs family treats me like family and it’s just assumed that I come to every event or trip they go on. Vice versa with my family and my SO, he’s included in everything as well. 

Just ask your boyfriend if they’ve ever said anything about why you aren’t invited and ask him also if he’s ever mentioned wanting to bring you. 

Post # 7
Member
2948 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

That does seem weird, unless they have some hard and fast rule about “no SOs that aren’t spouses” that they do not bend on ever. Sometimes families like things to be clear cut like that so there is no awkwardness or percieved slights if there is one SO who the family doesn’t consider serious and one that they do. Like, if his brother had a gf of 2 years but they were an off-and-on couple that didn’t seem to have much of a future, would it cause issues with them if you were invited and she wasn’t.

Do you get along otherwise? Do you get invited to most family things, just not vacations?

Post # 8
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think the weirdest part is that they invited your bf’s friends last year but won’t invite you.

Anyway, does your bf know how you feel, and if so has he pushed for you to be invited on these trips? I feel like we need more info here.

Post # 9
Member
861 posts
Busy bee

Is his family religious? Before I was married, my parents would never invite my BF at the time on a family vacation or allow him to stay at their house when we were in town because we were not married yet. His family was the opposite. 

Post # 10
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

Agree with pp that it is definitely strange after so long together. You definitely have a right to be upset. I would speak to your SO and ask why you haven’t been invited. Have you ever had any issues with SOs parents/family?

Post # 11
Member
9919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Did they specifically say you weren’t invited, or is there a chance the message didn’t get to you?  Maybe they assume you know you’re invited and didn’t say anything directly to you?

They might want to keep things as just family until you’re engaged or married?  

I’d be hurt too, but it could also just be a misunderstanding?

Post # 12
Member
4775 posts
Honey bee

Honestly I don’t think there is enough information to judge their intent. I don’t think inviting best friends is that weird. Both my s o and I have friends who we’ve known over half our lives. We’ve known these friends longer than we’ve known each other. I spent so much time at my one friend’s house growing up that her neighbors didn’t realize I wasn’t her sister for like a year and a half after they had moved next door. Her mom was like a second mom to me. Her dad was like the dad I didn’t have.  

Likewise, what is your relationship with them like all the other times? Is it generally good? Are you included in holidays? Do they ever include significant others for any of their kids? Or are you the only one who is excluded? I can’t tell from your posting history if you and your boyfriend are living together? Is his family religious or otherwise on the more conservative side?

This is one of those things where I think it is nice if you are asked, but shouldn’t be expected at the dating stage, even if the intent for long-term commitment is near.  Obviously a spouse should expect it. The bar is set a little higher for engaged couples and couples living together than those who are not, but I think there is definitely some latitude there for a judgment call. And I think couples who are dating and don’t live together is it true judgement call based on various factors. They may just be the kind of family who have the opinion that family events aren’t extended to non-blood relations until marriage. And it’s not necessarily a reflection on you personally even though it may feel like it to you. Just because your family doesn’t hold the same view and invites him doesn’t mean they are obligated to feel the same way.

I think the far more telling thing and the thing you should take a little more personally is how your boyfriend acts and reacts to all this. Does he just shrug his shoulders and not care? Does he bother advocating for you to come on the trip? Has he ever asked for an explanation as to why you aren’t invited? Has he ever asked if you even want to go?

Post # 13
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

SO’s family also went on vacation when we’d been dating 3 years. I wasn’t invited, but wasn’t offended by it, especially since we were so young. 

If your bf’s family is anything like SO’s family, I wouldn’t expect any invites until you’re engaged or married. It’s likely just how they operate.

Post # 14
Member
1467 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

I’m surprised at how many people go on family vacations as adults…

Post # 15
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee

Hmm…  has your bf brought this up? I’d ask him what’s up bc HE should be the one inviting you on the family vacation, not his parents. 

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