Not invited to long term bf's best friend's wedding

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee

harlequinade :  I think we can agree to disagree. To which post are you referring and what was the purpose of your post? I wasn’t able to find it to reference it thoroughly. 

I think while you may prefer to not to be invited rather than without a plus one, there are others that would prefer the optionality of an invite. Also, if a bride and groom were to follow the rule you suggest, they may invite one cousin, but leave out his or her sibling. Additionally, it may be that the couple would be fine with the cousin not attending if the cousin were so uninvested and ungracious that his/her attendance hinged on a plus one.

The line is has nothing to do with the cousin’s relationship with his/her SO, but the SO’s relationship with the couple getting married.

sboom :  I think your comment was measured and helpful. Too many Bees don’t stop to think that others may conduct their weddings differently. For example, I had a small, efficiently planned wedding and a number of them jumped to excoriate me in a previous thread about not inviting a friend’s long distance spouse to a wedding occuring within the following week. It was quite evident from the erroneous conclusions they drew that they were drawing on narrow-minded characterizations of weddings.

Post # 17
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If he wants to ask, just ask! It’s his best friend from childhood. You should be able to ask them! “Hey, got my invitation excited for you both. It doesn’t show a plus one, so I’m assumming (you name) isn’t invited?” 

Then they can say, oh my gosh we’re so sorry her mom had the wedding planner send those out and must have left your plus one off as by mistake. Or sorry, we had to trim the guest list and don’t have room for you to have a plus one. 

Post # 18
Member
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You got roasted on that because not inviting someone’s WIFE is crazy rude, no matter how you try to justify it. If someone wants to be rude that’s fine, but dont try to make it out like everyone else is sooo unreasonable for expecting spouses to be invited. 

View original reply
anonymousbee001 :  

Post # 19
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
jellybellynelly :  I don’t think you have considered that it depends on the circumstance; in our case, it would have been bizarre to invite her. I think it’s also rude to invite someone you have no expectation of going. It may be common among your peers, but there are other circles where it is normal not to reflexively invite SOs.

Post # 20
Member
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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anonymousbee001 :  explain to me why it’s bizzare to write in the invitation, “mr and Mrs _____?” Then he would just respond by saying yes both, or only Mr will come. I think it’s bizzare you decided for them.

Op, just ask in your case. Sometimes you have to be rude to deal with rude people. 

Post # 21
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
cherryberrypie :  (1) We didn’t have formal, individualized invitations. (2) Neither changed their surnames. It would have been rude and incorrect to address the invite as Mr. and Mrs. ____. (3) In the case of a very close friend, I knew his spouse couldn’t attend.

I think (1) and (2) are good examples of assumptions you are erroneously drawing.

OP, I think it would be rude to expect an invite given that you are not close with the couple.

Post # 22
Member
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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anonymousbee001 :  I guess I’m never going to be invited to anything with my spouse. i didn’t change my surname, apparently if people use evite I’m out too. We have young kids so most likely someone will decide for me that I have better things to do.

And I am so rude to think I should be invited. I wonder if I should tell my husband to not use my part of the income to buy a gift. Then that’s rude too. 

Post # 23
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
cherryberrypie :  That’s totally your perogative, but you shouldn’t make assumptions over others’ weddings and choices.

Also, your first paragraph is somewhat unclear and contains a run-on sentence.

Post # 24
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

I think it’s rude of the couple to have not added your name specifically to the invitation if you’ve been together for 4 years AND  live together. Even worse that they didn’t even think to give him a +1.

I think he should actually ask them/get clarification on whether or not you’re invited in order to:

a.) call them (subtly and tactfully, of course) on how rude this was, assuming it was not an oversight

b.) re-establish with them that his relationship is just as important to him and therefore should be taken just as seriously as their impending union 

Also, have you discussed with him whether he will still go assuming you’re truly not invited at all? This puts you both in such an awkward position…I’m sorry you’re in this predicament due to their carelessness. I cannot imagine a good friend, especially not a BEST friend, failing to respect the other friend’s long-term relationship.

Post # 25
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

I tend to think if it is a close friend it would be OK to just ask them about it. I have been in a situation where my boyfriend at the time (now husband) was not invited to a wedding but in that case the friend whose wedding it was did not know we were dating because we kept our relationship private in the beginning. However, I would have been really shocked if that happened later in our relationship. Ever since we got serious he has always been invited to every wedding I have been invited to. I tend to think it’s pretty odd not to invite a person’s serious gf to a wedding, but I also don’t think it’s a huge deal to just ask about it (I understand it’s not good etiquette but between close friends, maybe the rules of etiquette can be relaxed a bit?). I may be off base here, I don’t think it’s an easy situation to handle and if I were the one invited without a serious boyfriend, I am not sure what I would do. 

Post # 26
Member
1138 posts
Bumble bee

I think he should just ask given they’re best friends. 

I have a friend whom I invited to my wedding, he’s been with his gf for 7 or so years and none of our friends group even met her until 5 years in when he was moving overseas and had a farewell dinner that we met her for the first time during which we barely even spoke (she’s a bit introverted I guess). And that was the only time I’ve ever met her.

I know they had some issues and the relationship was shaky. Still, it’s not up to me to decide or judge. I just asked him whether he would like to bring his gf, if so how do I spell her name so I could include it on the invite. So they both had been invited because he wanted her to be there, not because I know her. Anyway they ended up breaking up very recently so now she won’t be coming. But I think it’s just basic respect from one friend to another, to just ASK them if they want to bring their girlfriend/boyfriend, if you aren’t sure.

Post # 27
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It is not rude or tacky for your SO to ask his childhood best friend for clarification on if he can bring his long-time live-in Girlfriend to an out of town, romantic event. It is a valid question. How can he be expected to want to go to something like that without you? 

Post # 28
Member
13666 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Actually, since etiquette obligates any host to include a live in girlfriend, the most generous thing to do would be to assume there had been an oversight. Your boyfriend should call and ask if that is the case. It’s possible tbe friend is unaware that you’re back on track and living together. 

If you’re not invited I would not attend in his place. When it’s your turn, you’d do the right thing. 

Post # 29
Member
7229 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think your SO should ask and clarify the invite (with his friend) and then if the clarification is that you are not, in fact, invited, he should skip the wedding.

Even if he has talked shit about you to his friends in the past, if you are planning to get married, his loyalty needs to be with you.

And yes, you invite both of them to your wedding when the time comes.

Post # 30
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

By inviting a friend/family menber’s SO you are simple acknowledging their union..regardless how well you know that person. As a child how did you feel when your friend got picked to play games while you, their best friend sat in the corner? People post on social media for some kind of acknowledgment. Whether it’s a “hey you look great in red!” Or “you did a fantastic job on that project” etc. As humans we want to feel our presence is acknowledged. Alil acknowleding can go a long way. 

I would hope as adults we’d make the mature decisions to do what we could to respect others lifestly choices, which include partners. I’m sure not everyone is empathetic towards unions (it does not make you a bad person), but I cant help but shake my head about the people, who make the conscious choice to disregard a person simply because it’s your wedding and you could care less.

Op, not sure what I would do. Sorry your feelings are hurt.

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