Not invited to long term bf's best friend's wedding

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Just ask for clarification. Truly. Communication as adults is super important – all else is speculation, story, and spinning wheels on things that may be completely imaginary. 

I would have had a different response to this post two months ago, before I started planning my own wedding(s.) 

no matter what we do planning a wedding , we’re going to offend someone, I have found out. 

And whether or not someone is wealthy (and truly- you can never actually know what someone else’s financial status is- they may have a lot of debt etc… once the income goes up, sometimes the expenditures rise to exceed it-), sometimes venues have hard limits. 

Just as we can’t know what someone else’s financial health truly is, we also can’t know what someone else’s relationships are. 

I’d ask. As someone planning a few weddings with venue limits, if someone I don’t invite asks me why, I would appreciate the chance to clarify, and communicate with those who are hurt, rather than have a lot of assumptions made. 

But / shrug/ I have also decided it’s up to people – if they really want to get pissed off and go behind my back, etc, that behavior is maybe one reason they didn’t get invited in the first place. Planning weddings is stressful, and people have a LOT going on when they’re changing their lives and getting married. Sometimes mistakes are made –

Maybe read the book “the four agreements,”

assume the best

and just ask 🙂 

Post # 32
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Ps. I’ve also had people flat out ask me if they can come. I completely forgot about some people, because life is crazy and so are guest lists – 

my answer (so far every time) has been, oh my gosh, of course!

no offense given. None taken. 

He can ask if he can bring you 

Post # 33
Member
974 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
blond1990 :  What they’re doing is incredibly rude.  This invite would be an easy decline for me.  In fact I did decline a wedding invite where my husband wasn’t invited.  I’ve been to weddings with, and without my so, and the ones without are definitely less fun.  I know you want your bf to decline but what does he want?  I can also understand not wanting to invite her when the time came for your wedding and how satisfying that would feel but just because they’re rude  doesn’t mean that you should be.  

Post # 34
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

100% rude-  you are completely in the right to be offended!

Post # 35
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

View original reply
happiekrappie :  Yeah, AND the fact that he lives out of state and his other friend is bringing his SO (kind of a 3rd wheel situation). I think when people demand, for examples, cousins get plus ones it’s a little ridiculous, unless they’re close (since the cousin knows plenty of people there, and you have to draw the line somewhere), but a friend’s live in girlfriend who they’ve actually met before should. 

Post # 36
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee

I would ask if there was an oversight, especially because it would mean traveling across the country and the other friend’s girlfriend is invited.  That way you know for certain what happened and your boyfriend can then decide whether or not he wants to attend.

For the record we invited SOs no matter how well we knew them.

Post # 41
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

I think it is incredibly rude to not give plus ones. For my own wedding, I offered one to every guest unless they were married. In that case I invited the husband and wife. 

I didn’t invite aunts, uncles or cousins I had not seen in years. I only invited the family, coworkers  and friends that were part of our lives.

Post # 43
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

View original reply
blond1990 : That’s pretty messed up! I am sorry he is behaving that way and thinks its OK. How are things going in your relationship otherwise? The only reason I ask is that I would caution against taking this as some kind of referendum on your relationship in general. But at the same time, he’s being pretty insensitive. I don’t know that I could still be able to get along with a friend and go to their wedding and support them knowing that they did not invite my partner that they are aware exists. It’s one thing when you have an oversight that is promptly corrected, but it’s quite another to just blatantly not invite someone who is the most important person in your friend’s life to your wedding and then act like it’s totally normal and fine. And he will obviously be expecting he and his wife to be invited to your wedding. I’m puzzled by how your boyfriend can just let this slide as it relates to his relationship with his friend, but at the same time, I am hoping that your boyfriend is just having a moment where he is not thinking clearly and that this isn’t reflective of a pattern in your relationship. 

Post # 44
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
blond1990 :  If you are questioning your relationship because he decides to attend a wedding to which you were not invited, you likely aren’t mature enough for a relationship, much less an engagement. It sounds also like you were expecting your previous declination to result in a quid pro quo.

Additionally, her purchase of an 8 million dollar house does not entitle you to an invite; finances are not always the constraint determining wedding size and guest list; it may be also that the other friend’s SO is closer to the couple or the couple’s family and you are not privy to this information. It may also be that through conversations with your boyfriend, the couple has gleaned that you are the type of tacky person to throw a tantrum over not being invited; in that case, the lack of invitation is not surprising.

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