Not invited to long term bf's best friend's wedding

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 60
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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blond1990 :  rude af to exclude you. In addition your SO is not upset on your behalf and ran to family with your argument.  There shouldn’t have been an argument in the first place if he had stood up for you as he should have,  never mind involving family.   Plus he is aware you recently declined an event because he was not invited.  I would be pissed and hurt and may be questioning things too depending on how the rest of the relationship was going. 

Post # 61
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

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blond1990 :  bee, you just went from 75 to 100 REALLY quick…it was very noticeable that you were frustrated from post #1, but now you just seem downright angry.

I don’t think you’re as upset about not being invited to the wedding as you are that your fiancé didn’t stand up for you. you also seem to feel like you weren’t invited because in the past he *must* have said SOMETHING to make these people doubt the seriousness of your relationship—which is, again, a fiancé problem, not an invitation problem.

it seems like you’re focusing on symptoms of your frustration rather than addressing the root cause…do you not wanna talk about that? if not, I completely understand, but I truly hope you get all of this sorted out :/

 

ETA: if it means anything, I wouldn’t go to the wedding either. oversight or not. weddings are planned really carefully and meticulously from what I’ve gathered from the tone of these boards over the past year. “forgetting” to give a BEST FRIEND in a long-term relationship a +1 (by the bare-ass-minimum etiquette standards) is inexcusable and I would feel personally slighted and disrespected, as well. so I don’t feel like you’re being stubborn at all to not attend, regardless of the circumstance.

Post # 62
Member
13538 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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blond1990 :  It’s not OK to ask because it’s a best friend. It’s OK because it’s such a violation of etiquette that the kindest assumption here is that there’s been an oversight or mistake. Your boyfriend ought to be willing to ask because you come first. He ought to be more worried about offending you than feeling “awkward”, whatever that means. 

Post # 63
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

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blond1990 :  yep I hear you. It’s weird. I mean, my first venue is super tight, but I’m giving everyone a +1 (I did freak out a bit when that +1 became a surprise +6 for one person… but I digress) 

I’d rather leave some people out (and invite them to the other celebration) then deny any guest a +1 

plus he’s your longtime SO. You are legit in every way. To be left out sucks. 

I guess I feel like it was up to him to say “hey, I’m bringing my love and she’s not on this invitation.”

 

my answer also stems from the fact that sometimes I have been very hurt by not being invited to places w/ my fiancé, and I DIDNT go, only to hear from the people “where were you? We assume you two are a package deal!” This has happened a handful of times. 

I guess I can’t fathom someone would actually do something that rude unless it was a mistake. 

Post # 64
Member
2291 posts
Buzzing bee

Was it rude? Yes. 

Should your boyfriend talk to his friend? Absolutely.

But you Bee, you need to just calm waaaaaaaay the hell down. I get being angry but this here is completely exhausting. Threatening that you’ll ‘reconsider the relationship if he goes without you”? Statements like this are painting you as completely full of drama and unreasonable, to the point where I feel really sorry for your boyfriend. I really REALLY hope you are behaving this way because you are angry and are ranting anonymously on a board about it, because acting in real life is in no way ok. You don’t get to call the shots in your boyfriend’s life, his childhood best friend is important to him and you don’t get to try to make him choose between going to that wedding and staying home with you because you feel offended. You need to grow up, realize that sometimes things suck and try to find a rational way through it that doesn’t involve having a meltdown, and behave in a classy and mature way. 

Post # 65
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee

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strawberrysakura :  <— this!

Listen OP, most of us here agree with you but I think you’re taking this to another level.  This isn’t a hill you want to die on, is it?  If you come across IRL the way your later responses have been…I have to wonder if there is a lot more going on and this wedding is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.  I personally would not reconsider an entire relationship that is otherwise good based on this one wedding.  I feel as though the friend and his Fiance were rude in not inviting you.  I do understand (to an extent) your SO not wanting to rock the boat and being afraid to ask for clarification.  That in and of itself is not a relationship-ending move in my book.

Post # 67
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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blond1990 :  

A “childhood best friend” is probably not as high on a priority list as you seem to think. Since they’ve only met you once, this whole situation could genuinely be an oversight. 

No your SO does not deserve a +1 automatically, however I do believe that etiquette advises as a minimum any married or living together couple should be invited as a social unit.  

Since excluding you is rude, I don’t see any issue with your SO confirming the invitation with them.  In fact, I would hope it would be a little uncomfortable for them.  There’s no harm in clarifying, as long as he doesn’t push them if they say no. 

But honestly if they do say no, it’s still only one weekend.  I would send him off for the weekend and spend the weekend on some self-care.  

Post # 68
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Australia

I find it odd, and I would probably be a little hurt. But remember that there are many reasons why this might have occurred, and honestly, the most likely reason was budget reasons or really only wanting people that they know well there. Whilst that isn’t usual wedding etiquette, it’s very likely nothing to do with you personally. So try do some positive thinking, meditation, or whatever it is that helps you let go of hurt.

I also would let your boyfriend attend, and wouldn’t plan to not invite the wife to your wedding just to be petty. That will just cause unneccessary hurt or drama, which no one really needs in their life. It sucks, but all we can do is ask and accept, or let go of what’s dragging us down.

Post # 69
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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blond1990 :  you don’t want to ask but will forbid your boyfriend to go to his BESTFRIEND wedding? HUH??

Post # 70
Member
2949 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

 So, your boyfriend wants to ask to clarify the situation but you forbid him to… Yet, if he chooses to go to the wedding himself, you’re going to reconsider the entire relationship over it?

I’m beginning to wonder if these kinds of dramatics had anything to do with all the fighting in the past…. 

Post # 71
Member
9 posts
Newbee

Best friend and *childhood* best friend are two very, very different things. 

You certainly can be upset you aren’t invited. But your temper tantrum is ridiculous. The threats that NO MATTER what happened (even if it was a mistake) you are NOT going, not going on the trip at all, and considering breaking up with BF are wild. Either your relationship is very rocky or you have major control problems. Either way, it is probably why you aren’t invited… 

Post # 72
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

For goodness sakes, just have your boyfriend ask his “best friend” if he has a +1. This is really ridiculous and silly and could probably easily be cleared up in a minute if he just asked. But honestly you are not a wife and I’m not sure you are even entitled to an invitation in my opinion. They might not even know the seriousness of your relationship since your boyfriend has badmouthed you all over town. Plus he doesn’t “check in” with the best friend that often so there’s no reason for them to know that you’re happily planning your engagement. And on that note I’d venture to guess that you don’t actually feel as secure in your relationship as you’d like to portray (your bf bad mouths you, he owes you two months rent, and you’re willing to leave him if he attends this wedding) and that is the true source of your anger.  I really believe that your boyfriend should ask if he has a +1, if they say yes then you can go on the trip and have fun. It shouldn’t be this level of drama. There are people out there who actually have real problems in the world! 

Post # 73
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I agree with most of the PPs, it is quite rude of your SO’s friends not to invite you, as his partner, to this wedding (in general everyone with a partner gets an invite with both names on it, with very few exceptions). But I don’t think you’re going about dealing with it well.

If you refuse to let him ask them about it (whether to give them the benefit of the doubt that it was an oversight, or call them out subtly on their breach of etiquette) but you know you’ll be angry enough to reevalute your relationship if he goes without you – you are essentially backing him into a corner where the only thing he can do without damaging your relationship is to straight up decline. 

If it turns out not to have been an oversight and they didn’t invite you because they’ve heard about past fights from your SO, he needs to be the one to say to them – “I’m afraid I might have given you the wrong impression of blond1990, that’s on me for airing dirty laundry when I was upset about something in the past. She is my partner, we live together, we are looking at rings – we’re a unit. I’d love to travel across the country to celebrate your wedding, but I wouldn’t feel right about coming by myself.”

Post # 74
Member
2644 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I think you should have started questioning the relationship at the point that he aired your relationship’s dirty laundry to his friends. Repeatedly. This is poor behavior. 

As in a lot of cases with very wealthy people, the bride and groom may not have had much involvement with the addressing or sending of the invitations. A personal assistant, calligrapher, or even parent may have handled the details. It would be a shame if they ask where you are when he shows up alone, and it was an unintentional oversight all along. Then ALL of you look silly, for the sake of “etiquette”. How pointless. 

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