(Closed) Not invited to SO's cousin's wedding? Should we ask?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Is it appropriate to ask SO's cousin?

    Sure! What's the worst that can happen! It could be an oversight!

    No, that's really rude. Don't do that! suck it up, you can't go!

    Other! (explain below)

  • Post # 77
    Member
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I’m glad it worked out. I was going to tell you to ask.

    Post # 78
    Member
    1692 posts
    Bumble bee

    @forgetaboutme:  Although most brides are new to hospitality and feel self-conscious about dealing with requests for additional invitations, there is in fact nothing inherently wrong with asking, provided the person asking has a close relationship with the hostess and conveys that he is willing to take “no” for an answer. So if your fiance is close to his cousin, he should ask.

    Note that I referred to the gentleman above as your fiance. Formal etiquette requires that hostesses invite both members of a couple if that couple is married or engaged. When a couple is living together as if married, etiquette requires that you treat them as married and politely close yoour eyes to any “irregularities” in the legality of that status. When a couple have agreed to become married in the future, they are “engaged” — regardless of whether they have staged a viral-worthy “proposal” or bought a ring or set a date. You create an ambiguous status for yourselves when you call yourselves “committed but not engaged yet.” What is the nature of that commitment, if not an understanding that you will be married in the future? It is that ambiguity that leaves hostesses wondering whether they are obliged to invite you or not. Why not just refer to yourselves as engated, and settle the question?

    If it is because you are committed, but not yet that committed — not ready yet to be engaged; then it is unfair to ask hostesses to be more committed to treating you as a couple than you are yourselves. Still, just as couples live as though married without the legal status, there are other couples who live as though engaged without ever using the term, and hostesses have to respect that — but they cannot read minds. So you and your fiance need to indicate that you expect to be treated as equivalent-to-engaged.

    So your equivalent-to-fiance needs to call up his cousin and say “Forgetaboutme and I always attend social events, or not, as a couple: do you happen to have an invitation for her?” And then if cousin says “no, so sorry” then Equivalent-to-fiance needs to come home and politely write on his own stationery in his best hand-writing:

    “Mr Equivalent-to-fiance
    regrets to decline the kind invitation of
    Ms Cousin
    due to a prior engagement”

    and then plan to take you out on a lovely prior-engagement night on the town that can include all the best food and entertainment your town has to offer and still cost less than attending an out-of-town wedding.

    Post # 79
    Member
    517 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

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    @nattiejeanne:  yea seriously, I’d take advice on here with a grain of salt. No one here is your friend or family so they’re opinions aren’t worth much which is why I personally don’t ask for the opinions of strangers lol 

    Post # 80
    Member
    1166 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    View original reply
    @nattiejeanne:  +1 x10000000, I couldn’t agree with you more

    There is no reason she shouldn’t have been invited.  The OP’s significant other is an adult and should therefore be given a “+1,” if the bride and groom can’t afford to offer adults that option they should scale back their wedding to one they can afford.  Personal financial issues are not a “get out of jail free card” for being an asshole, and in this case the bride/groom were definitely being assholes. 

    Post # 81
    Member
    935 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

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    @forgetaboutme:  I’m glad it worked out but I don’t buy the “We forgot!” thing.

    I think soon-to-be wed couples make a deal with each other that if someone asks or puts them in the awkward spot of asking then they’ll tell them they forgot.  BS – they didn’t forget.  Especially when they had the mindset to state it on their website, which was actually thought through.  They probably saw that they could afford a few extra spaces but decided to just wait until someone backed them into a corner and asked.

     

    Post # 82
    Member
    1213 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    @HisBride515:  Funny thing is I have only asked one question on etiquette and I really did want input, and I got helpful info (of course it came with a bunch of a-hole comments as well). Sometimes bees are just looking for advice on a color option or what to wear, and someone notices the one tiny thing they wrote in the post that might be against etiquette and all hell breaks loose.

     

    View original reply
    @MrsTywinLannister:  Seriously. We have scaled back on EVERYTHING to make sure all of our guests get their plus ones. I’m talking even single people, everyone gets one. I’m not making anybody sit through a family event knowing my family without some support, and I’m not making friends who don’t all know each other come alone. We are not including some people we might have otherwise to allow the people we are closest to the comfort of having a plus one.

    Post # 83
    Member
    1166 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

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    @nattiejeanne:  +1

    If we couldn’t afford to offer someone a “+1,” they wouldn’t get an invite to the wedding since we couldn’t afford to have them there.  I hate it when people pick and choose when it is and isn’t ok to be a huge ass because it would interfere with their “dream idea of how they want their special day/pretty princess party” to go, it really is disgusting.  

    Post # 84
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @forgetaboutme:  I think they tried to make it clear in polite terms that you’re not invited. Your SO’s cousin stressing that there were venue constraints was probably her trying to tell you ‘be prepared to not get an invite’.

    IMO I don’t think your SO’s cousin is being incredibly rude or anything. Yes, you guys are a couple but you’re not engaged or living together, which are indicators that you’ll be sticking around for a while. If you look around the bee you’ll see that ‘engaged or living together’ is a common requirement for inviting peoples’ SOs when there are budget constraints. It sucks that you guys don’t fall into that category, but you can’t invite everyone. 

    ETA: I think it’s great that your famiy is so inclusive when t comes to inviting SOs, but you should know that’s not necessarily a common practice. 

    Post # 85
    Member
    1213 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    View original reply
    @MrsTywinLannister:  THANK YOU. I am so not an etiquette saavy bride, but IMO not including a +1 for someone is basically the worst in terms of rudeness. If you’ve ever been to a wedding where you don’t know everyone you must understand this (not YOU, but everyone I mean). If receptions are about the comfort of your guests, including their SO should be a number one priority.

    Post # 86
    Member
    1604 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I do not think not giving plus ones is rude.  EVERY leading etiquette books says spouses, fiances are must invites, some extent to live in, and yes SOME, but not all extent to long term relationships.  In this situation, OP’s SO does know other people there, he will not be alone.

    I havent read all posts here, but in response to well, the relationship was 4 years, the obvious answer is yes, but OP is not engaged.  They have chosen how to characterize their relationship.

    Post # 87
    Member
    1213 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    @juanita.kelly.9:  What about peopel who are together for a long time and choose not to get married? Their relationships should be looked at as less important?

    I personally was not speaking from what the etiquette books say, but from the viewpoint of a guest who has been to a wedding without a plus one where I didn’t know a lot of people, and it is MISERABLE. I’d rather pay for my own drinks, go hungry, and stare at the wall, then go to a wedding all by myself. Etiquette regarding this likely originated in a time when people were either engaged, married, or not very serious. Living together before marriage and choosing not to get married at all is a pretty recent concept, so it stands to reason that the etiquette from a time when these things were not common would not apply. I know my SO and I have run into a situation once where he was not invited to a family even because we were “not married” when my cousin’s wife was invited even though they had been together half the amount of time we had. Our commitment was no less than theirs, it just wasnt on paper. So my SO who has know my family for years (twice as long as my cousins wife) was not welcomed. The rules of relationships are different, so the rules of plus ones much change to match.

    Post # 88
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

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    @forgetaboutme:  I’m actually glad I read this, I like the “no boyfriends or girlfriends” thing except for family.

    Post # 89
    Member
    3080 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I think it’s really rude that you aren’t invited. Just because you are doing things the “right way” and not living together before you are married (or engaged) you shouldn’t be punished for it. You’ve been together for 4 years that’s a pretty solid relationship. to me, it’s really beyond rude that you weren’t invited. its not like my fiancé and I have an unlimited budget but we are inviting our family’s significant others. 

    If I were your boyfriend then I wouldn’t go. And if they say something to him about being “family” than I would just say well it wasn’t a very “family” thing to do to not invite my serious girlfriend of 4 years.

    Post # 90
    Member
    338 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Just let it go!! Guest lists are the worst part of wedding planning, sorry!

    Post # 91
    Member
    1633 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    View original reply
    @forgetaboutme:   he’s not a rude jerk…happy things worked out for you.

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