(Closed) not invited to wedding

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Bee
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

I know this is such a crappy feeling. I have both had this happen to me and have to make these decisions about others for my own. I can only say that youmshould not look at it as not wanting you there, I am sure she does, but rather that it is just going to be small and thy had to draw the line somewhere. I am sure, if they were having a bigger wedding, you would be invited. Also, I am sure she is feeling like crap about this on her end too.

Post # 5
Member
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

As a bride planning a small wedding myself, I would say that there are people from both sides of my parents’ families that I would like to have there, but I can’t.  I agree with Hermitcrab, you absolutely have to draw the line somewhere, and trust me – it sucks.  I had a small battle with Future Mother-In-Law over the guest list, because she wanted to add all of their neighbors (they’re from a very small town) and I explained to her that I have a lot of family members that didn’t make the cut, so I didn’t think it was right to invite random neighborhood people that I’ve never met.  Her response showed that her thought process was similar to yours, “It’s just a few more people, and they probably wouldn’t even come…” We live in FL, so she means they probably wouldn’t travel, but I had to explain to her that “just a few more people” REALLY adds up!  I’m paying about $130 person after taxes/gratuity, so 6 or 7 extra people can add close to $1000 to my total bill!

Future Mother-In-Law was very understanding, and had no idea that weddings cost so much…She thought we were probably paying $30 or something per person.  She just didn’t know.  I think you maybe just don’t realize what it costs to have a wedding these days, and if you check out a popular posts showing what Bees are paying per head that I’ll post the link to below, you’ll see what I’m talking about.  My price per head isn’t super abnormal.  And I don’t know where your niece lives, but the big city bees pay exorbitant amounts.  I was really surprised at how expensive it was even for some of the small town bees!  

What are you paying per head for your reception?

Don’t take it personal.  But don’t be so flippant about it’s just “a few more people.”  

We’re pretty much having immediate family/spouses and our closest friends and we’ll have 50-55 people. We simply can’t do more, and we had to cut it off there and just hope people understand.

Post # 6
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@April8th: I am dealing with this from the other side as the bride.  Our ceremony venue is incredibly small, seating only 70, and we had to draw a line with invite…which meant no 1st cousins, even though I am very close to my entire family.  I did however ask my two closest male cousins (more like best buds) to be ushers, and my Fiance and I decided it was bad etiquette to not open a ceremony invite up to any family spending $$ to travel from out of state (which means a handful of other cousins).  EVERYONE is invited to the reception.

Not sure if this follows the same scenario you are in as the invited, but I can understand having to deal with small venues and budgets, and even though it is hard, having to draw a line.  I also wanted to give you KUDOS for handling it so lovingly.  I have a cousin that is not following suit (publicly slamming me on Facebook)…and although I am tough enough to ignore her, her comments are crushing my Mom.  You are showing your love and support in the best way by supporting your niece.  And coming from a bride that had to draw this line, believe me…it is not personal at all.  I hope everything works out, for evreyone.

Post # 7
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

My wedding is small but we are certainly inviting Aunts and Uncles we know and of course my grandmother!

Post # 9
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Something to think about, even though it is just a few people from your side, he may have a large extended family on his side (his parents could be one of 10 children for example), meaning that if she added her aunts and uncles, they would also need to invite his, bringing their guest list up significantly.

We had to deal with this at our wedding. Our grandparents wanted their siblings invited (our great aunts and uncles). However, my grandfather is one of 11 children, so even though his grandmother (1 of 3) said “it’s only adding 2 people”, it would actually add close to 40 to make it fair on both sides.

Just wanted to throw that out there to think about…

Post # 10
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@CanAmBride: Such a good point, and we dealt with this, only in the reverse.  My Fiance wanted to invite his first cousins, which he only has four of.  But if we did that, then we would need to add all of mine, which I have close to 30 of. 

Post # 11
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@April8th:Sorry, I missed your response about 15 people total invited to the wedding. If they only want 15 people, that’s their prerogative. You’re asking her to increase the size of her wedding by 50%. That’s the equivalent of asking someone with 100 people to invite 50 more. I’m sorry, but if they decided to have a small wedding and that left you and your siblings out, that’s their choice and you should respect it.

Post # 12
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@April8th: I just read through this again, and noticed that the guest list total is 15.  It sounds like they have always wanted a very intimate ceremony.  Try not to take it personally, but rather think of it as them planning their day they way they have always envisioned it.

Will there be a celebration following that all family are attending?  Lots of couples (me included) go the small ceremony route with a large celebration later.

Post # 13
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If they only want 15 people, you just have to respect her decision. Its different if they are inviting 100 people and they left you out. 15 people to me says immediate family only which means parents and siblings. I would just be happy for her rather than upset.

Post # 14
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@April8th: “then she would also have to invite my Mum, my 2 other sisters & 1 brother”

Here is the reason you most likey didn’t get invited.  I know you feel as if it’s a few more people, but you are close to these people, maybe she is not and decided that none of you are gonna go.

I have a similar situation.  I am only allowed 35 guests and have a large family with lots of aunts and uncles and I only really wanted one aunt but of course I have to invite all of them, so now instead of people that I really wanted there I’m gonna have a bunch of relatives whom I haven’t seen in forever and don’t really care for all that much, so try to see it from her POV if she wanted 15 it really makes a difference if there are 21.

sorry you feel left out, but try not to take it so personaly.

Post # 15
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I personally hate it when people offer to cover the costs of their invitees, etc.  Drives me nuts, because its always more than just dinner.  It’s an extra table, an extra centerpiece, more candy for the buffet, and generally more time and work on DIY projects.  I’m not inviting a bunch of people because we’re keeping the invite list to 100.  This means my aunt and uncle on my dad’s side are uninvited.  (I haven’t seen them in 4 years).  We’re dealing with everyone asking if they can come, and if we can invite so&so..

 

my guess are, there are a lot of other “close” relatives like yourself who didn’t get invited, so I’d just stop asking. 

Post # 16
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Its a sucky feeling thats for sure.. but it could be the best thing for their budget! Im sorry your feeling down, but im sure that if they had the funds there are alot of people they would want there than they couldnt invite. I know this is true in my case at least!

The topic ‘not invited to wedding’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors