(Closed) Not invited with BF to wedding…advice

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I definitely agree that the bridal couple should try to keep their guest’s comfort in mind, but the truth of the matter is that it is NOT possible to make everyone happy. It just isn’t. The more they try to make everyone happy, the more unhappy THEY will be (and its supposed to be one of the happiest days of their lives.) I disagree with those who have stated that it is selfish of the bride and groom to make a decision that offends and upsets one of their guests. Yes, you can take it too far and the couple does not have license to get away with doing terrible things just because its their wedding…but in the situation of +1s, most people HAVE to draw a line somewhere. If they allowed the girlfriend to come, then they’d have to cut somewhere else, thus making somebody ELSE unhappy. Also, if they allow one girlfriend, they’ll upset everyone else who did NOT get to bring THEIR girlfriend. Things like this have a ripple effect that the bride and groom feel acutely, but individual guests are not aware of because they’re only thinking about themselves and not the big picture. 

I just don’t understand the comments that people are “entitled” to be there. I’m sorry, but why is the girlfriend of one of my guests entitled to be at my wedding, particularly if I’ve never met the girl? Does that mean I have to not invite my best friend, or my cousin, or my sister, so that this stranger can be at my wedding? I, and many brides I know, have a set number they can invite. If I add someone, I have to take someone else away. 

In my experience, both with my own wedding and others I have been involved with as a member of the bridal party, people start coming out of the woodwork making demands of the bride and groom, and some of those demands conflict with each other. Try to keep in mind, if you find yourself not appearing on your boyfriend’s invite, that you are most likely not the only person trying to finagle an invitation.

Post # 63
Member
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@farmersdaughter – I totally agree with you.  You and I are only a couple weeks apart wedding date wise, so we are probably in the same planning timelines, but if someone asked me to bring someone who wasn’t invited because they felt offended that person wasn’t invited, I would be very close to telling them to f- off and be appalled at how rude and inconsiderate that they were being.  The people who should be the most “comfortable” and “happy” are the bride and the groom.

Post # 64
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

*Sigh – Mrs.Louboutin – I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from. I’m getting so tired of feeling bad/guilty about the decisions I’m making for my wedding! I’m trying so hard to make everyone happy, no matter what I do someone is upset with me. Its so frustrating!

Post # 65
Member
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It really is and I think that normally, I would probably be a little more open to wanting everyone to be happy, but with just a couple months to go, this is the WRONG time for people to be bringing those kinds of things up.  I swear I would lose my marbles if a guest (not even a family member) asked me to increase the guest list.

Post # 66
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Mrs. Louboutin, my date twin, you and I are on the same page.

Post # 67
Member
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Amen, sister!

Post # 68
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t think you should be projecting whatever issues that may or may not exist between you and your BF onto this couple’s wedding. I also think it’s a bit strange that your parents are using this wedding invitation as another way to measure the seriousness of your relationship with your BF. Whether or not this couple invites you to their wedding doesn’t make you and your BF are any more or less serious. I think the fact that you haven’t ever met the bride or groom is more of an issue. Is there a reason why you’ve never met this couple, yet your BF is important enough to be included in their wedding?  

I also agree with Mrs.Louboutin’s personal opinion that anyone 21+ should be invited with a guest. And members of the bridal party should definitely be invited with a +1. My Fiance and I are struggling to pay for our wedding ourselves, and budget is definitely a factor. But going through the guest list to determine who should or shouldn’t be invited with a +1 made my brain spin. I also didn’t think it was my place to decide whether or not someone’s relationship should be deemed “serious” or not according to my standards, so I just invited all guests with a date to avoid any potential hurt feelings or embarrassment.

That said, I completely understand that for budgetary or personal reasons not everyone can do this, and I completely understand why some couples don’t allow it. To each their own. At the end of the day, it is the bride and groom’s decision, and it should be respected regardless if you agree with it or not. I don’t think you should have your BF say anything to them. If he does, and it doesn’t go well, you will forever be remembered as the girlfriend who tried to invite herself to their wedding. I would just let this one go. When the couple gets back from their honeymoon and you are all moved in and settled with your BF, perhaps you can arrange a little gathering so you can meet all of his friends and get to know them better then.

Post # 69
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Maybe you can just wait for your own wedding to meet these people?

Post # 70
Member
7 posts
Newbee

I’ve known my bff for 20 years and I was to be her moh.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now and we’ve been living together for a year and a half.  We both have kids from our previous marriage and just because I don’t have a ring on my finger or not having a paper saying we are married we are nothing less of being a family.  I agreed to being a moh and when I recieved my friends invite, seeing my boyfriend wasn’t invited I declined.  Yes it tainted our friendship but something like this especially being friends for so long should of been talked about.  I offered to pay his plate and there is nothing that my boyfriend could of said or done to offend her – he just isn’t that kind of guy.  At 20 dollars a plate in this situation money is not an issue I think.  At the end of the day I come home to my family blended or not.  IF anything were to happen to my kids HE is the first person to drop whatever it is and he is there and vice versa.  I agree that the bride and groom have the right to invite whoever they want – however they shouldn’t be surprised or offended with one’s decisions to decline if thats what they choose to do. I followed my heart and did what I felt was right for me and my family.  I wished her well and explained I would be there for the ceremony and thats that.  

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