(Closed) Not inviting all the relatives…?

posted 12 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2007

makes sense to me!

Post # 4
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My mom was one of 12, my step dad one of 5 and my dad one of 6 – I totally understand the "too many relatives" thing. I in the end invited them all, and found the ones that normally didn’t attend family functions did not RSVP they were coming. My count stayed low, I’m able to enjoy my guests and no one was hurt in the process of not getting an invite.

Post # 5
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

are they all OOT?

Post # 7
34 posts
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m in a similar situation. My mom has 9 siblings, and about half of them were really involved with my life growing up, and the other half lived out of state and I just never grew close to them (and a few are kind of messed up in substance abuse). Now we live out of state, and have been trying to figure out if we should invite none of her siblings, half of her siblings, or all of them. Even though proper ettiquitte dictates that you should invite either all or none, not half, we’ve gone with our hearts and are inviting those I’m close with.

We’re only inviting a total of around 60 people to our wedding, and can’t imagine not having some of my aunts there- they’re like my big sisters. Even though we’re paying for almost everything ourselves, I had conversations with my mom, because I wanted her to be okay with my decision and didn’t want to create a family rift. She is really understanding. I think it helps that most of them are from out of state- it would be MUCH more difficult to pull it off if they were all living in the same town or nearby.

Post # 8
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

We had to limit relatives, too.  On his side, it was easy to invite everyone… his mom has one sibling, so does his dad, so that made 4 people there, and his 2 grandparents.  Nice…

On my side, I come from large families.  Grandparents wanted to make sure all of their siblings children would be invited, and that would have made over a hundred with their kids.  Therefore, first cousins for me only, then the great aunts and uncles, and that was it.  No 2nd cousins, etc.  Also, no children under 13 period, except the flowergirl.  Some people weren’t happy at first, but I think they all understood!

Post # 9
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I had a similar issue — we went ahead and invited everyone — our totals ended up like this: 118 yes, 129 no, 2 no responses.

The cost of travel and time off of work were the reasons given for not coming. My family on the east coast is sending "representatives" instead of the entire family.  Older cousins and younger cousins that I have never spent any time with simply are not coming because they  do not know me.

We also did not send out a save the date — I think this made a big difference in our counts because people were only given 2 months to plan ahead for travel. We did send out a christmas card with our engagement announcement on it, but it didn’t have a date.

Your mom and dad (and your future in laws) should be able to get a "Feel" for who will and will not come.  Use that to help make your decision. 

Post # 10
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I don’t think it’s rude…especially if you see them so rarely that you wouldn’t even recognize on the street.

I’m in a similar situation.  My parents each have 7 siblings, so I have lots of cousins.  We are having a smallish wedding (100 guests).  I’m inviting all of my aunts and uncles (even though there are a few that I would rather not see at my wedding b/c they are rude and selfish people who I haven’t seen in over 15 years).  They only recently came around (within the last year) and apologized to my mom for how they’ve treated her and asked to be given a chance to be a family again.  So I don’t know any of their kids and I don’t want to invite them. I’m only inviting counsins that I’m actually friends with and grew up with…it’s created some friction, but I would be incredibly unhappy to cut other guests who are meaningful to us for some cousins that I don’t know.

Post # 11
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

My mom was one of 9, so our "family" guest list was also huge.  I thought that the cousins I hadn’t seen for years wouldn’t come, but *surprise* most of them did.  It did make for a lot of people, but they all had a lot of fun – and got to spend time with each other.  Frankly, unless you’re limiting your guest list to less than 50, I don’t think you’re really going to spend much time with each guest anyway.  They will mostly hang with each other, and that’s disappointing (to me, anyway) but apparently it’s quite normal.  It’s pretty clear that all our guests had a great time, even the ones we didn’t hardly get to talk to, so we’re pretty glad we invited them all.

Post # 13
12 posts
  • Wedding: March 2008

I had a similar situation in making up the guest list.  My dad is one of 8, and all of his siblings have many children.  We wanted to keep our guest list around 125 and still be able to invite our friends and of course my fiance’s family.

I invited all my aunts and uncles.  I did not invite all my first cousins.  This was partially due to the fact that I only see some of these cousins once every few years and partially because some of them are married with children.  Therefore one cousin turns into 4 or 5 guest when you count spouse and children.

I did not feel bad at all.  I am doing what I can on the budget that I have.  Plus that side of the family already takes up more of the invite list than any other group.

Also, I did send out Save-the-Dates, so that I could hopefully deal with any hurt feelings, etc… early on.  And I have actually not gotten one comment.

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