Not inviting cousin

posted 3 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

There are very few reasons that would be serious enough for me to exclude an immediate family member from my wedding but a blatant racist is near the top of the list. Tell your mother that you will not tolerate an extremely racist individual to disrespect or hurt any of your guests or disrupt a day of joy with his disgusting views and he’s not invited. End of discussion. If that’s not understood and accepted then that’s on her and anyone else in your family to deal with. I’d rather deal with the consequences of my decision than to ever allow someone like this at my wedding.

Post # 3
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

How can I let them know that I really don’t want him there without causing issues with my family?

It doesn’t sound like you can. Time to adult up and own your choice on not inviting him. If your family throws a fit and doesn’t come, you’ll have to accept it. 

Post # 4
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding:  Australia

What ladyscorpion said, and be very prepared for your family to defend said cousin’s racist behaviour. It could be equally frustrating.

Post # 5
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Have examples of his poor behaviour and attitude on hand to illustrate the reasons you do not want him there. Quite simply, “we have guests attending that we genuinely care about and want to have a good time who I have every reason to believe cousin will be rude to. I will not tolerate it and I don’t want myself, my fiance or anyone else to have to spend the entire reception keeping an eye on him. He’s not a toddler and since he has proven time and again that he cannot be trusted around alcohol without supervision, he is not welcome at our wedding.” 

Not a fucking chance I would welcome anyone to my wedding who was openly racist or homophobic. Especially when I have guests of other races as well as homosexuals. No freaking way. 

Post # 6
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I would not want a racist at my wedding either, so I don’t blame you! Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like there is a way that everyone in the family is going to understand that. If I were in this position, I would put my foot down and let anyone know who asks why exactly he is not invited and have examples as proof of behaviour.

Post # 7
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Just accept the consequences of standing by your decision, but know that it might cause a permanent rift in the family. If you go that route though,  I wouldn’t unless you truly worry about violence or something more than him just being an annoying ass.

Post # 8
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

stephm331 :  first, accept that you are going to rock the boat. Your family is going to be upset that the racist is not invited. However, weave in why he isn’t invited and make it seem very thoughtful and deliberate. 

“Aunt Suzy, the last time I saw cousin Mark he made very inappropriate and racist remarks. It made me and everyone else very uncomfortable. My fiancé and I do not tolerate racism. Mark is not invited to our wedding. Our wedding is a chance to celebrate our Union with our closest friends and family members. Some of our most treasured guests are members of the different races and cultural groups that cousin mark has made horrible comments about. I hope you understand where we are coming from and look forward to seeing you on our wedding day.” 

Edit: adding that I completely support you. Racism has no place anywhere. I would have called the cousin directly and told him exactly why he wasn’t invited and to stop asking his mom for an invite. But my family is diverse and appreciates other cultures and people who are different. If we had a “cousin mark” he would be long gone from any and all family events. 

Post # 9
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

All of what ladyscorpion said and sboom exactly.

It doesn’t look like you’ll be able to do this without upsetting your family. But you have to decide if this is a “hill you are willign to die on”. Meaning, which are you willing to fight most for, not inviting your cousin to the wedding OR not upsetting your family.

I would definitely stand your ground and not invite this cousin. Explain like PP’s have said and had valid examples of his past behavior. If the rest of yuor family doesn’t want to come due to this, tell them you’ll be very sorry they wont be there and you’ll miss them. You can’t control what other people do, but you can control who you have at your wedding.

Also; just because I worry since this is such as issue for you, make sure no one tries to just bring this cousin along and have him show up at the wedding without you knowing.

Post # 10
Member
5764 posts
Bee Keeper

“I’m sorry, our diverse guest list and his racist views are not compatible. I wish that were not the case.”

Post # 11
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I say, stand your ground and don’t invite him but be clear and know that this will be a fight. My fiancé’s cousin no longer speaks to ANYONE on their side of the family because she married an African American man (they are white) and his grandparents kept using racist and derogatory terms all night and they have never spoken to them again. It is a horrible memory for her that she holds onto to this day. His grandparents have changed and know that is was not okay at this point but the damage is done. You don’t need that. 

Post # 12
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I was just reading an article the other day about how Family Christmas can be such an awful time for many women and men who have suffered sexual harassment and abuse at the hands of family members, and it is precisely because even when they do speak up the rest of the family prefers to not rock the boat and they’re expected to just shut up, smile and make it through the day. It’s fucking disgusting and this type of this is never going to change as long as the majority of people are willing to turn a blind eye to improper behaviour. You taking a stand on this – saying, no, racism is not something I will tolerate, not from family not from anyone – is SO important. I get not wanting to cause family drama, but the reality is that it IS NOT YOU creating drama. Just like it’s not the women who were interviewed in that article who are creating drama at their family gatherings. It is the people who are behaving badly that are causing the problem, NOT the person standing up to them. 

Post # 13
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

You mentioned he gets “wasted.” If he does come, maybe point him out to your bartender/servers so they know not to give him too much (or anything) to drink.

Post # 14
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m sorry, our diverse guest list and his racist views are not compatible. I wish that were not the case.”

Yep. You may have to ruffle some feathers, but this is a hill I would be willing to die on. Stand up for yourself and your guests. A person like that would not be welcome at my wedding or in my life.

Post # 15
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee

bibliophilacticbee :  When it comes to racism or homophobia, there is no such thing as “just being an annoying ass”.

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