(Closed) Not inviting family to your wedding

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee

If you really, truly don’t want people there, don’t invite them. However, I would carefully consider the repercussions before not inviting a good chunk of your extended family. Several members of my family have backbiting tendencies, so I can sympathize with that part.

Post # 4
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I haven’t invited all of my aunts and uncle for the simple reason that they haven’t made any effort with me for years. My dad has just told them the wedding is a small affair, I believe. One of my aunts is coming but we speak on the phone and generally tend to keep in touch and I can’t imagine not having her there.

Post # 5
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

My wedding is far off, but I’ve already tackled the guest list and none of my extended family is welcome (literally only my parents, sisters and their kids, I’m not even inviting my brothers). I haven’t seen them in years (and most of them, I live, I kid you not, 3 minutes from) and two of my brothers? I’ve never even MET, hell some of them have never met my daughter (who is 7 years old now). We aren’t in fights and they aren’t toxic, I just don’t want to spend money on people I literally couldn’t care less if they come or not. Thankfully I have my mother’s support, which sounds like you wouldn’t, which makes it harder. ” 

I know it’s hard for some people to just say “I don’t want to spend money on you, I don’t care if you come or not.” Personally I’m the type of person that quite literally doesn’t care about people’s feelings or opinions, specially when we’re not close, or it’s something I would be paying for (like they coming to my wedding only because THEY want to, I would have to pay for that). Obviously I don’t SAY it like that (to their faces). The polite way I found to reply to the people who insisted I invite X or Y person was this: (lemme be clear, these people were pretty rude about me not inviting X or Y person, so the reply wasn’t gentle).

“I want the wedding to be with close family and friends only. I have a limited budget and both our families are large (FI and I are latinos, huge families lol) so we agreed to include people who are very close to us. If you wish to contradict my plans for my wedding, you’re more than welcomed to donate for the cost of them being there, since inviting them would exclude the people I truly want in my wedding and I will not do that.” 

Is it still rude? Probably. But it’s my party, and in my specific case, inviting the extra people really would mean NOT including the ones I WANT to be there. People KNOW when they’re close to you or not. So I’ve found it easy to say “Close family and friends only. Sorry. No room in the budget for more.” and they usually back off, specially when I add that if they insist so much on the others being there, they can pay for the costs themselves. There’s probably way nicer ways to say that, but in my experience family drama isn’t always polite, so I don’t go polite with people like that xD

Post # 6
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee

My daughter and SIL didn’t invite an uncle/aunt couple, from each side. They have no communication with them, nor do their parents. Of the 6 sets they invited, only 2 attended and another 2 acknowledged the invitation; they never even got a congratulatory e-mail, from the other 2.

I’d suggest you stand firm and only invite the people who are positive influences in your life and you’ll enjoy celebrating your day with.

Post # 8
Member
3383 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
bastet:  I can relate. I have several aunts, uncles, and cousins on my mom’s side whom I cannot stand (long story). I wasn’t going to invite them, as I could care less about sparing their feelings. Plus, they wouldn’t come anyways (I am in Maryland and they are in Ohio. There’s no way they’d travel for me), but ultimately in order to please my mom (who gifted us $4K towards the wedding), I decided to invite them. In your case, since you think they’d actually come, I would talk with your mom about it. Explain your reasons for not wanting them there. Ultimately it’s your decision; however, if your mom contributed to the wedding financially, she should have some say in the guest list. 

Post # 10
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

View original reply
bastet:  I completely understand. NONE of my family members have met my boyfriend. Only one of my sisters, and my parents. And I’m pretty sure they would very offended if I don’t invite them, even though they probably don’t even know I HAVE a boyfriend (3 years dating rofl), they would be invited just because they’re blood and are “supposed” to be there, not because they actually CARE. I happen to have my mom’s support, so even though with them offended, I at least don’t have to worry about my mother’s feelings being hurt or offended, so your case is way harder cuz you don’t have her to support you.

Is the budget an issue with the huge families? IF it is, maybe sit down and actually go through the finances WITH her, SHOW her that you cannot afford to invite them all, and show her the list of people you WANT to invite and say why (bring back awesome memories), that you’re “devastated” about them not being able to go, but it’s just not possible in the budget? 

Post # 11
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Akron, OH

I kept it simple, if I wasn’t invited to their wedding, they’re not invited to mine (provided they were married after I was born). I have ‘extended’ family on my mother’s side but I’m not close with them and neither is she. My grandma keeps in touch with them, but I chose not to invite them (didn’t really care about her opinion anyway). I really wanted to not invite my grandma honestly, but I was consdering just slipping her a sleeping pill (jk jk) unfortunately we have to tolerate ‘family’. If you don’t want to invite them, don’t, but I would keep it fair and even across the board. Just MHO. 

Post # 12
Member
1960 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

We had extended family on DH’s that we did not want to invite- they don’t live around here and never see them, I’ve never met most of them, and DH doesn’t really even like them. If they got offended, then well, too bad, we never see them anyway. But Mother-In-Law freaked out and said they had to be invited and put her foot down. We felt bad, so we did invite them, but only a few came (which we were secretly happy about haha)

Post # 13
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

I have a ton of extended family and I know this probably isn’t “etiquette” but unless they have made an effort to keep a relationship with me whether that be through person to person, email or phone they aren’t invited. I only have a limited budget and I feel like the people that should be there are the people that I have a relationship with. There is an aunt in town that I have zero contact with by my uncle in located in Missouri is invited because we keep in touch.

I know your mom may be upset but I would communicate it with her how you feel.

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