- 2 years ago
- Wedding: October 2017
The replies all seem to be extreme one way (i.e. your petty and better suck it up and invite her) or another (i.e. cut all ties, leave the guilt behind). I am going to try to offer some more balanced advice because I can see where both sides are coming from.
I think you and your mom have a toxic relationship from over a decade of emotional/verbal and financial abuse. That is not something you can simply sweep under the rug and pretend away, especially not on your big day. It is a real possibility she will act out on your wedding day. However I said I was going to be more balanced so…
Your responses haven’t been ideal, and I think you need to completely rethink your approach to your mom. You can’t be a victim, you can’t expect or ask for an apology, you’re giving her the power in these situations. You also need to recognize your mom is imperfect and clearly has some very real issues and be more understanding. By be more understanding I do NOT mean you need to let her run over you and you need to grovel to her demands. Do not do that. By understanding I mean change your expectations of her and her behavior based on knowing she is the way she is.
Now to what you should do about your wedding day – luckily you have a lot of time before the wedding to come to a final decision so use this time wisely. Work on yourself, your expectations for your mom, and your behavior with her. Start trying to rebuild your relationship in a new way. This will start by creating very clear boundaries with her. This is NOT going to be a conversation you have with her because that will not go well. You are going to set these boundaries with your behavior. Do not ask her for anything – favors, money, help, anything. You need to separate your well being from her. Avoid any and all behavior that puts you in the position of victim like ask for an apology, tell her how her behavior hurt you, or ask her to come to counseling with you, because that gives her power. When she talks shit about you to others that you’re such a terrible daughter, let it roll off your back. Those who are close and important to you know better and will understand. Anyone else doesn’t matter. Over all yiu are making it perfectly clesr you are inpendent of her in every way (physically, financially, emotionally) nothing she does can affect you, and a relationship with her is just a nice, but unnecessary, bonus.
Start your new boundary filled relationship by trying to initiate simple contact via phone or whatever. If she starts to get emotionally abusive, quickly end the phone call. No second chances right now, you have to go. Period. If you try to go and she acts apologetic and you let her continue the conversation, you’ve shown her how she can get to you. Same with any other inappropriate behavior. If she isn’t asking about your life, try to volunteer information, and if she still tries to talk about herself fine, you will nicely wrap the conversation short and sweet. Even if the best your relationship ever is you reach out, hear some about her life, and that’s it for the next month, that is better than abuse. Remember you can’t make her change or get the counselling she needs, you can only change how you respond to her and what you expect from her (nothing. You expect nothing from her).
The bridal shower – IF you make any progress with talking with her with your new clear boundaries, I highly recommend you invite her to the bridal shower. This will be a PERFECT test run for the big day. I would make it very clear to your friends she isn’t to plan or control the day at all, she is only coming as a regular guest. Now base your decision on inviting her to the wedding based on her behavior at the bridal shower. If she makes a scene, behaves horribly to you etc. Cut ties and forget the wedding day. If she is on her best behavior, let her come.
I hope this helps, even a little, but no matter what only you know the intricacies of your relationship and your wedding day so whatever you choose will be fine!