Not Inviting Mom to Wedding?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

The replies all seem to be extreme one way (i.e. your petty and better suck it up and invite her) or another (i.e. cut all ties, leave the guilt behind). I am going to try to offer some more balanced advice because I can see where both sides are coming from. 

I think you and your mom have a toxic relationship from over a decade of emotional/verbal and financial abuse. That is not something you can simply sweep under the rug and pretend away, especially not on your big day. It is a real possibility she will act out on your wedding day. However I said I was going to be more balanced so…

Your responses haven’t been ideal, and I think you need to completely rethink your approach to your mom. You can’t be a victim, you can’t expect or ask for an apology, you’re giving her the power in these situations. You also need to recognize your mom is imperfect and clearly has some very real issues and be more understanding. By be more understanding I do NOT mean you need to let her run over you and you need to grovel to her demands. Do not do that. By understanding I mean change your expectations of her and her behavior based on knowing she is the way she is. 

Now to what you should do about your wedding day – luckily you have a lot of time before the wedding to come to a final decision so use this time wisely. Work on yourself, your expectations for your mom, and your behavior with her. Start trying to rebuild your relationship in a new way. This will start by creating very clear boundaries with her. This is NOT going to be a conversation you have with her because that will not go well. You are going to set these boundaries with your behavior. Do not ask her for anything – favors, money, help, anything. You need to separate your well being from her. Avoid any and all behavior that puts you in the position of victim like ask for an apology, tell her how her behavior hurt you, or ask her to come to counseling with you, because that gives her power. When she talks shit about you to others  that you’re such a terrible daughter, let it roll off your back. Those who are close and important to you know better and  will understand. Anyone else doesn’t  matter. Over all yiu are making it perfectly clesr you are inpendent of her in every way (physically, financially, emotionally) nothing she does can affect you, and a relationship with her is just a nice, but unnecessary, bonus. 

Start your new boundary filled relationship by trying to initiate simple contact via phone or whatever. If she starts to get emotionally abusive, quickly end the phone call. No second chances right now, you have to go. Period. If you try to go and she acts apologetic and you let her continue the conversation, you’ve shown her how she can get to you. Same with any other inappropriate behavior. If she isn’t asking about your life, try to volunteer information, and if she still tries to talk about herself fine, you will nicely wrap the conversation short and sweet. Even if the best your relationship ever is you reach out, hear some about her life, and that’s it for the next month, that is better than abuse. Remember you can’t make her change or get the counselling she needs, you can only change how you respond to her and what you expect from her (nothing. You expect nothing from her). 

The bridal shower – IF you make any progress with talking with her with your new clear boundaries, I highly recommend you invite her to the bridal shower. This will be a PERFECT test run for the big day. I would make it very clear to your friends she isn’t to plan or control the day at all, she is only coming as a regular guest. Now base your decision on inviting her to the wedding  based on her behavior at the bridal shower. If she makes a scene, behaves horribly to you etc. Cut ties and forget the wedding day. If she is on her best behavior, let her come. 

I hope this helps, even a little, but no matter what only you know the intricacies of your relationship and your wedding day so whatever you choose will be fine!

Post # 17
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

almostmarriedbutnotquite :  would she ever agree to counseling with you? Sounds like you guys aren’t geographically close, but maybe you can make phone arrangements with a therapist? 

I’m more in the camp of cutting her out of your life. But if it were me, I’d want to exhaust the third party option before I didn’t invite her to the wedding. Because that you won’t be able to take back. 

Post # 18
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

Please, for the sake of your marriage, cut this woman out of your life. 

She may be your mother, but she is also a thief, a liar, a user, and an abuser, and all of those qualities cancel out her role as your mother. She is your mother in the biological sense only.

If you try to reconcile or “be the bigger person” or be a good daughter or do anything other than get the hell away from her, you will get burned again. She will do this again, except the next time it will affect your husband, too, and when or if you have children, it will affect them. 

Do not give her the benefit of the doubt. The writing is on the wall: she’s a liability, she’s a danger, and she will be a menace to your life as long as you allow her to be.

Post # 19
Member
4858 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I see you put nmom. N’s are not fixable. She can’t have a cup of coffee with you without being horrible. Let alone attend your wedding. Stop going back for more. 

Post # 20
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

I absolutely do not agree with the people saying you should invite your mother ‘because she’s your mother’…..I really don’t think that gives anyone a right to behave the way your mother has behaved. I didn’t invite my father to my wedding in April. I had lots of people checking I was sure that’s what I wanted throughout wedding planning. It absolutely was the right decision and I’m so glad I stood my ground!

Post # 21
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

 

What the hell is up with people telling the victim of long-term abuse that she is being *petty* to protect herself against her abuser? And that she is required to invite her abuser to her wedding just because they share DNA?

Seriously, WTF is in the water today?

Post # 22
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

Sephiroth :  Totally, 100% agree with you! Well said!

Post # 23
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jw2b :  warning, if you don’t want a reality check, stop reading!

 

What kind of mother steals from her own daughter? Leaves her to fend for herself whilst giving her no means to do it? Are you deluded? I don’t normally reply to inane, illogical and stupid post like this but your post just angered me. Get over yourself and off your pedastool. A mother can be extremely toxic and it’s even easier for them to be when we want to forgive them and have those mother daughter moments. What you said is uncalled for and not a relality check at all. Nor was it helpful or constructive. You just come off as a bully and obnoxious. Thanks. 

Post # 24
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It’s your choice whether or not to have contact with her, but refusing to give her a hug at her own fathers funeral? Are you kidding me?

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