Not Inviting Sister, don’t know how to explain why

posted 1 year ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

keikochan :  they are going to think whatever the hell they want to think. I would just be vague, you can say that you guys grew apart and that you haven’t talked to her in a few years, that she’s busy doing her own thing

It sucks that your mom put you in that position, but I wouldn’t want to be talking about it with family I barely see

Post # 3
Hostess
9781 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

If people ask just be truthful and say no one has seen her since 2012. If you extended an invitation do you think she would even come? 

Post # 4
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee

Can you just say that you did invite her but she declined? Or just say you don’t want to discuss it. 

Post # 5
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland

keikochan :  frankly, I’d tell your mom if you can give any details because she doesn’t want you to (even if not the full story, just “substance abuse problems” or something vague) then she is on the hook for explaining why your sister isn’t there, and direct all family questions to her. I know that sounds harsh but she’s putting way too much pressure on you. And to me I feel like keeping your sisters secrets is just enabling her further. I say this as someone who comes from a family filled with addicts – not trying to sound judgemental of you guys at all. It’s really, really tough. 

ETA: I mainly say you should punt to mom because wedding planning is hard enough without having to field the family drama on the side. It seems unfair to you that you’ve got to clam up for the benefit of the family/your sister who isn’t in the picture. That’s a lot of pressure on you, too much, in my opinion. 

Post # 7
Member
2791 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

keikochan :  As pp’s said, if anyone asks simply say that unfortunately you’ve lost touch and she wasn’t invited. If you’re worried that could spark another conversation about WHY you’ve lost touch, you could simply say “She couldn’t make it” then change the subject. Hopefully your family won’t pry on your wedding day.

ETA after seeing your update, if your family is already excluding her from things I would assume no one else has really seen her so maybe they won’t even bother to ask where she is, they probably assume there’s been some sort of falling out already if your sister is supposedly RSVPing no to every event she’s been invited to.

Post # 8
Member
3500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Ugh, that is a tough spot because obviously, no, you don’t want to be known as “that person”. I think you can correct the assumptions without going into detail though. All you need to say is that there have been some issues beween you that are completely unrelated to her gender identity or sexuality that you don’t feel it is appropriate to discuss and you hope they can understand.

It is super unfair for your sister to put you in that position. One of my cousins has sort of pulled the same kind of bullshit (but to far far less of a degree). He finally came out as gay at age 25 and unfortunately his parents took a bit of time to come around, but eventually did and the restof the family has been supportive since day one, but everyone hates the guy he has been in a relationship with for the last four(ish) years because the guy is a fucking prick and dragged him into a very unhealthy lifestyle. We’d hate him just as much if he was a woman. But instead, my cousin loudly proclaims to everyone that his family is a bunch of homophobes and don’t support his relationship, etc. It’s infuriating! 

Post # 10
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

keikochan :  when they make those comments, you can be like… why do you think it has anything to do with her gender identity? 

I would definitely defend myself while trying to stay vague 

Post # 11
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

keikochan :  “Despite my best efforts to contact my sister, I was unable to. I haven’t seen her since 2012 and miss her dearly so I would prefer not to talk about this.”

Post # 12
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - City, State

Oh, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I think if I were in your shoes, I’d say, “Since we’ve not seen her since 2012, I thought it would be selfish of me to expect her reunion to be during my wedding.” 

Post # 13
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland

Another thought: if there’s a chance she’d ever prey on a relative for money due to their lack of knowledge about her addictions, then the family should definitely know. Addicts are notorious for targeting unaware/elderly relatives. 

Post # 14
Member
6673 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

If you haven’t seen her since 2012, it would be surprising if she were there, anyway. I agree with those saying to redirect questions about her lack of attendance to your mom since your mother is the one enforcing the gag order about exactly why your sister can’t be there. Some other noncommittal responses could be:

“She can’t make it.”

“She hasn’t been well.”

“We’ve lost contact.” (though I’d be concerned about someone saying “Oh! I’ll reach out to her!”)

I would probably just be honest to a point with people who are IN THE FAMILY and asking and just say “I would have loved for Jess to be able to be there with us, but she’s been having some serious challenges with substances and taking her feelings out on us in ways that aren’t acceptable, so she isn’t invited. I hope to be able to mend things at some point in the future, but my wedding isn’t the time or place for that.” And then go on to the next topic. Not everyone is entitled to that information but it seems like relatives should know what is going on. That kind of secrecy and silence is toxic.

Post # 15
Member
763 posts
Busy bee

The truth is she is estranged – that’s all you have to say. Probably easier said than done, no doubt, but you are still being honest – just withholding some details.. 

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