(Closed) NOT JUST COLD FEET

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

Wow, I’m really disappointed in how much everyone is bashing the OP. Obviously, she does love him on some level otherwise she wouldn’t be trying to make it work. She’s obviously very frustrated because she can’t feel that way. 

I’m considering leaving my fiancé for similar reasons. Because it’s hard to be with someone who doesn’t satisfy all of your needs, but satisfies a number of them and is a genuinely nice guy. It’s hard when you want someone to take care of you, and the guy you’re with doesn’t. It’s hard to not feel cared for when you leave. It’s hard when you feel like the guy you want to marry really couldn’t care that much about marrying or being with you. 

Maybe I’m more sympathetic because I can relate on some level, but it’s definitely not an easy place to be in. I think that you should be allowed to talk about how your fiancé doesn’t satisfy your needs and talk about specific situations in which he didn’t without being told you’re “bashing” him. She’s hurt and she needs advice. They both deserve to be with people who are more suited for them, but I don’t think anyone deserves to be told that they are awful people and don’t “deserve someone as nice as her fiancé.” 

Post # 33
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

Unfortunately, it sounds like you are too weak to leave him because he is familiar to you and loves you, even though his familiarity is nothing that you appreciate and his love not satisfying. Isn’t it more disappointing that you are preventing the two of you from being apart, even though you have confessed to not being in love with him or finding him appealing physically or emotionally? You are stunting your ability to actually find a man you might be happy with. You have said that he never asks for you back, but that you just make the decision to return because he misses you. Breakups are tough…always. It doesn’t matter if you knew the guy for four months or four years. It is never a pleasant thought to hurt someone you care for. You will miss eachother because there are ties there and memories and feelings. It sounds to me, though, that every day passing brings you upset and guilt. It is obvious you do not want to hurt him, but I guarantee you that he is either simply counting down the days that you leave for good or the next time you walk out on him temporarily only to return and retrace the repetative circle you are trapping yourself in. Nothing will change for you without you changing it. You are looking for someone else. It is as simple as that. This man does not properly know how to love you or satisfy you the way you desire to be loved and satisfied. He is simply not that person. You can’t blame him or expect him to one day transform into the complete opposite of who he is (which is what you seem to want) and you can’t expect him to be numb when you finally let him know that he cannot give you what you need. He will likely be hurt, but he will not be surprised. I’m sure he is remotely intuitive and has seen this coming or has been dreading the lifetime of disappointing conversations that lead to his wife being unhappy with the man that he is. Whether you cheat or not, you are not being faithful to him in fantasy and there is no sense in hindering your ability to actually meet a man that lives up to your expectations. This is your life and instead of complaining every day, you would benefit more (no matter how difficult) to make the change and move on. Sure, there are assholes out there and the winners have often already been snatched up by some deserving bride, but there are good apples in the mix. You just have to be patient, flexible and not put a timeline on when you might cross paths. Just be honest with yourself and with him because you both are the only ones who have the ability to make a change to end what sounded like a potentially innocent friendship, but a thoroughly disappointing partnership. Best of luck and hope you update us with what you choose to do!  

Post # 34
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@glittermoon:  I understand what you are saying, but announcing to everyone that he is a FUCKTARD, a female who gets his period, a man child, and an immature boy, is in fact bashing him.  She says he has always annoyed her, “what kind of person is that?” and that’s hes freaking weird, among other things, and that she doesnt even try anymore in bed.  I don’t think the OP is trying to make it work.  

 

People are entitled to talk about their feelings and being less than satisfied with their partner.  Name calling and the other hurtful things said by OP are very different.

Post # 35
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I know a lot of the mean things you said about your FI were out of frustration, so I’m not going to bash you for that. I actually can kind of relate because I was already starting to feel that way about my college Boyfriend or Best Friend a few months before we broke up. He was a great guy but just wasn’t ever my type. And I think we both went kind of crazy trying to make each other into something we both weren’t. Like you I needed a strong alpha male and my ex was extremely insecure about himself which was a big turnoff to me. Meanwhile, he needed a quiet, stay at home type of GF/wife and I like to speak my mind and go wild every once in a while.

Anyway, I can’t think of any other solution besides calling it off and breaking up. I think you’re creating your own hell by marrying him because you clearly hate him. It will be messy but I think you’ll be surprised about the lack of pain. If you don’t love him it will be more annoying/time consuming to break it off than anything else.

Post # 36
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

…In response to harsh words out of frustration and disappointment, I too have been called out by bees and can relate to the OP. Not everyones’ thoughts are candy coated or sweet as pie and some of us are more frank or candid, bordering “rude” than others. Amid firey outbursts that were clearly driven by emotions tied to memories, she does compliment his genuinity. I’m sure she wouldn’t speak this way to his face, but is explaining her thoughts and one might assume the circumstances have her angry that she has to make such a difficult decision because her boyfriend cannot be the man she wants and that she cannot love him for the man he is. My sympathies and sincere empathetic ear is yours if you need it.   

Post # 38
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

I guess I just have to ask: if you knew he felt similarly about you (i.e. that you’re not sexually attractive, that you don’t turn him on, that you’re not the type of girl he would ever go out with, that you’re immature, that he doesn’t even really like you), would you still want him to marry you? For me, I know the answer would be a resounding “No.” If it’s the same answer for you, then I think you owe it to your Fiance to break things off. He probably doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with someone who thinks so little of him. 

Post # 39
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

there’s a difference between venting frustration and verbal abuse.

end of story.

 

For some reason, when verbal abuse happens from a woman to a man, our culture tends to be  more tolerant of it. I’m sure that if a girl posted here saying her fiance spoke to her that way, people would FREAK and not be empathizing with him.

Post # 40
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Why don’t you push off the wedding date and separate for awhile?

As difficult as it would be to call of the engagement and break up, it would be a MILLION times harder (not to mention costly) to break up either right before the wedding or after you’re married.

If you feel this way now, what are you going to do when it’s a week before your wedding? You’re already driving yourself crazy with his behavior and it doesn’t sound like it’s going to change any time soon (and it sounds like you know that).

Sometimes the right things to do are also the hardest.

Post # 41
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@mandypop: THIS!!

I definitely think OP is crossing a fine line between just venting and being downright hurtful. I’ve seen plenty of posters get flack for saying hurtful things about their SO, and this shouldn’t be any different. Simply saying that you’re not physically attracted to him and that he isn’t the man you imagine yourself marrying would have gotten the point across without hurting feelings. I’m sure he would be devastated if he saw what she wrote

To the OP: Honestly, life is too short to spend your time with someone you obviously don’t like. Stop wasting your time and his time – break it off!

Post # 42
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsTVLover:

I’m not saying she couldn’t have said it nicer, but she says way more nice things about him. Just that there are some things that make them very imcompatible, but she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. I don’t think that she should be bashed for that, as much as saying “I think you were a little harsh with the name calling, but I understand you’re very frustrated. In my opinion you shouldn’t be with him.” Which a lot of people have said. Just some seemed to really hate her for this, and I don’t think she deserves to be treated like she’s a monster who abuses her fiancé. I’m not saying everyone is being mean to her by any means and I’m not saying she couldn’t have been nicer in her post. 

She obviously tried to make it work, tried to get her needs met, but is at the point where she can’t make him satisfy her needs and he can’t satisfy them because that’s not who he is. She wants to make it work, but just can’t anymore because she resents him too much for not trying in her opinion. And yeah, it may be okay and ‘healthy’ in some relationships for someone to leave for three days and for it to be okay, but if I did that and my fiancé didn’t even text me to ask if I was okay, I would break up with him because in my mind, that would show that he wasn’t understanding that I was upset and needed him to at least tell me he cares and loves me and hopes that we can talk about it when we’ve both cooled down.

In all honesty, I doubt anyone in this forum has never called someone a name, so I’m not going to go off on her for being anonymous and calling her fiancé names on an online discussion board. I’m not going to tell her it’s okay or that it’s excusable, because she really shouldn’t have, but I’m not going to go off on her like her mom and I’m going to focus on her question and try to give her advice. 

Post # 43
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood

You’re clearly bitter.

Move on.  If you’re not in love with him, don’t marry him.  This isn’t rocket science.

Post # 44
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

you guys both deserve to be happy and it seems like youare both miserable….its time to let go and move on!

Post # 45
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

From one perspective i feel like i understand the OP. while i don’t like or agree with the bashing, i feel like i understand the feeling she is experiencing. i was with my ex for 4 years. i dont think he was a terrible person, but we brought out the worst in each other. by the end of the 4 years, i think i could have written similar post. i just had all this resentment and feeling trapped inside me….which led to me practically hating everything about him. even things i used to love.

however, having been through that, and being able to see that my relationship with my ex compared to my Darling Husband are night and day, one thing that stood out to me in your post was this:

He never once begged for me back.

I don’t think any happy/healthy relationship should ever require one of the partners to “beg for each other back”.  And if you found yourself in a situation that required him to beg for you to come back, then that is a big red flag (among many others that PPs have addressed) that you should not be with him.

Post # 46
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I personally think parasol said it best. How would you feel if you found out your fiance feels all these things about you that you feel about him? I’m ALL for putting in effort and trying to make things work but it sounds like you think he’s a nice guy but it ends there. You can’t make yourself be attracted to someone you’re just not.

I’m sorry that you’ve found yourself in this situation but it’s best to do the right thing sooner than later. Good luck to you

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