(Closed) NOT JUST COLD FEET

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

So, you are staying with him because you have a house, a dog, a life, everyone loves him, no one will understand why you want to leave him and you are afraid of being alone forever? Not good reasons to stay with someone.

Firstly, it’s better to be single (and happy) for the rest of you life, then with someone and miserable. Even if you ‘fall back in love’ with him, you won’t be happy. He will never fulfil your needs. Just not who he is, don’t punish him for this.

You also have to remember, there isn’t anything WRONG with him. He’s just not RIGHT for you. That’s what life is all about, figuring out what you want and don’t want with to spend the rest of your life with. No one should be mad or angry that you realized that he is a good guy, just not *your* good guy. No one’s fault. Just time to move on.

Post # 48
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Leave him. Make it “clean” and “final”. It’s going to suck at first, but it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, but keep strings attached in case you get lonely.

He deserves someone that appreciates the fact that he’s “sensitive” and somewhat shy — a LOT of women find those things extraorinarily attractive. You need someone that fits a basic definition of your aforementioned rubric. 

Post # 49
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

In the words of Green Day, “You can’t go forcing something if it’s just not right.”

 

((Hugs))

Post # 50
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m not kidding when I say my jaw dropped reading this.

Wow.

This guy deserves better. Go.

Post # 51
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Break it off, so you can both find better matches. You may be afraid to be single, but that isn’t fair to him at all.

Post # 52
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

When I read your post I assumed you were in your early 20’s.

You need to leave him. He sounds like he needs to grow up, but I think you do too (I mean that in the nicest way possible).

Marriage between the two of you would be a recipe for disaster. You will find someone suitable eventually, and so will he.

Post # 53
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

Don’t marry him, please spare him that. Your resentment towards him is obvious.

Also, as far as him acting stunned and bewildered when you were in a car accident: he was in shock. When my husband came to the hospital after I was in a massive accident, he didn’t know what to do either. People shut down in those situations. Don’t fault him for a very human reaction. This isn’t tv.

Post # 54
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

You don’t respect him and shouldn’t marry him.

Post # 55
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ok, the way I see it you have two choices:

1.  Endure a short lived but sharp pain by ending things with him now and having to explain to your family and friends that you are no longer getting married.

2.  Marry him because you don’t want to hurt his feelings now and endure a lifetime of unhappiness. 

It honestly doesn’t really even sound like you like him that much.  I can sympathize because I was in a similar situation (although I was in my early/mid 20s at the time).   The guy I had been dating for three years and was on the brink of getting engaged to had so many qualities that drove me nuts – he wasn’t successful, didn’t have initiative, and had a lot of values that I disagreed with.  Yet, I stayed with him for three years because I knew he loved me unconditionally and I feared I wouldn’t find that anywhere else.  And like you, he did nothing for me in bed – when he would touch me, it was not enjoyable at all, but I just chalked it to not having a very high sex drive (or so I thought at the time).

I eventually ended it before we broke up and was single for quite a while after that.  I met my now DH a few years later and as soon as I met him, I knew he was the one for me.  When you meet the right person, you won’t have any of the hang ups or feelings you expressed about your Fiance.  The feelings you have right now towards your Fiance are NOT the right feelings you should have about the person you’re going to marry.   You deserve better, he deserves better.  

I’m guessing you’re 30 based on the 81 in your user name – it can be a bit scary to enter the single world at 30 (I met my DH just before I turned 30); however, do you want to be 30, single, and likely to meet the man of your dreams who makes you happier than you ever thought possible?   Or do you want to be 30, married to a guy you sometimes like but certainly don’t love, and go through life with a sense of malcontentment and disappointment?  

To be honest, I don’t think any counselling in the world is going to fix this relationship.  You can’t MAKE yourself fall in love with someone.  When you meet the right person, you don’t have to try to have feelings for him, they will be a constant that is always present in your relationship, even when one of you is upset with the other.  Making relationships work does take effort, but that comes from other aspects such as communicating effectively with each other, learning to compromise, and working together in partnership – the effort should not come from forcing yourself to love him.

For your sake and his, please call off this engagement.  There is someone else out there for you and for him.  Best of luck to you. 

Post # 56
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I totally agree with glittermoon

Post # 57
Member
3260 posts
Sugar bee

Do yourself, and more so HIM a favor and leave.

Post # 58
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

there’s a difference between venting frustration and verbal abuse.

end of story.

 

For some reason, when verbal abuse happens from a woman to a man, our culture tends to be  more tolerant of it. I’m sure that if a girl posted here saying her fiance spoke to her that way, people would FREAK and not be empathizing with him.

 

 

This exactly…..I feel bad for her fiance.

Post # 59
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Time to walk away, you will find love again. It will take time to find your own way, but you will bounce back.

Post # 60
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

There really isn’t more to be said. I feel for you and your Fiance. Let us know how it goes, and come back for support either way. I’ve been where you are today, and it’s not fun. I really don’t think you’re that mean directly to him (I hope you’re not!), and that this was just a vent. I’m here if you need to PM me. ((hugs))

Post # 61
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

While I’m not blaming you OP at all for saying what your saying, you have to understand that your relationship is unhealthy to say the least.

Though countless other bees have already given the same advice I’ll give you– to leave now and let both partners in your relationship find someone that will truly love and respect them– what REALLY concerns me was the scenarios you depicted. 

Though I totally understand your need to vent–even angrily, everyone needs a good f*ck the world vent once in a while–your described actions reflect something I’ve seen very often in my patients with extreme narcissistic tendencies and bi-polar personality disorders. I am absolutely not saying this to be offensive in any way, and am only giving an opinion so that you can seek outside help. I’m sure you’re an awesome person, and just need some help getting yourself to a healthy path (be it in a relationship or not).

What worries me the most, was your description of leaving in a snowstorm to measure whether your SO would chase after you and thus “prove his love for you”. I’m sure in some way you understand that this behavior is extremely manipulative and not at all something he deserves, considering you claim he is such a great guy.

I have to ask, what if he had been worried sick? Would that make you feel better, or have somehow validated the relationship? As anyone who has really lost someone knows, that kind of fear is the most horrifying, anguish-inducing feeling on the planet, and no one who had the capacity to care for other people on a deeper level would ever want them to feel that way. 

My advice is this: continue with your therapy, and talk to your Dr. about why attention is such a crucial factor in someone’s love to you. I think once you get to the bottom of these issues, you’ll be ready to really give yourself to someone in a healthy, committed relationship that you both deserve.

**Many Hugs** and the best of luck to you. The struggle for personal health isn’t an easy one, but I know that you’ll look back and understand why it is imperative that you leave this relationship for you to grow into a healthy, independent woman. I hope this didn’t sound like bashing, I really am wishing all the best for you.

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