Post # 1
Help! I really need advice and I really hope that this isn’t too confusing.
My fiance and I were hoping for the ideal situation of me getting accepted into the same medical school he’s currently at but that didn’t happen. So now, he’ll be starting his 3rd year at one school, and I’ll be starting my first year at another, 3 hours away.
We’ve been doing the long distance thing, same distance, for almost 2 years. We’re getting married in June, and I’m worried about the fact that we wouldn’t be able to live together before or even AFTER the wedding for at least a year and a half.
My dilemma is this: my school kinda messed up and over accepted. The current accepted for my class is 250 but they can only accommodate 170, meaning 80 extra. They’re offering $6.5k to people who will volunteer to take a year off (up from 2k they initially offered). Sounds like an easy win win situation, right? The problem is, that only covers about 50% of one year’s tuition, I’m not guaranteed to find a job, and I don’t feel like that’s enough considering another school gave away full tuition when this happend to them.
Maybe it’s my ego, maybe it’s my serious hatred of even numbers (I would be class of 2016 instead of 2015, I know, I have a problem lol), maybe it’s the fact that the career plan I’ve been following my whole life has been completely blown out of the water, but there’s a large part of me that can’t get on board with this plan. Am I being stupid? The deadline is April 1.
Oh, and if there aren’t enough volunteers by April 1, they’re going to actually FORCE people to defer, without the compensation.
Post # 3
Personally, I would look at my GPA/test scores, etc. to see what percentage I’m in and make a decision based on that. If they are going to have to force people out, they will likely start with the people who just barely made it in and are in the bottom grouping as far as test scores and GPA’s go. That only makes sense for them since they’re going to want to have the best class possible for their own stats. If you are in a high percentage group where you think you have little possibility of getting cut, it might be worth it to hang in there and go to the school you want to go to when you want to start. If you have a feeling you kind of barely skated in and have a good chance of getting cut based on your GPA/test scores, take the money and run. It’s better than nothing. Maybe then you can at least move to his town and find a job and start next year at your school. I know it’s probably not the best solution but it’s a tough spot and I don’t know if there’s any great answer to give. 🙁
Post # 4
I’ve had alot of things that I had planned just not work out….. just like this seems for you.
Great thing though, is so many times there was something else more important or better that I needed to be open for…. kinda like you and your hubby really becoming that unified one
I know this example is not nearly as big as what you’re in but here’s a real simple example…
My Fiance has been trying to get in to get his haircut for a couple weeks now (our wedding is nearing in & its time) He was supposed to be scheduled for this Friday…
BUT…. 2 days ago the stylist called and had to cancel. grrrrrrrrrrrr
Again BUT…. Yesterday we got an email from our local paper for an interview about the pre-marital counseling were doing…… for FRIDAY!
Now…. we were pretty erked about the cancellation but had we had that appt we would not be available for this other AWESOME opportunity.
I personally would take the year off…
What if something totally awesome happened, you got so great financial “help” you weren’t expecting, and you got accepted in your hubby’s school next semester or next year….
^ That would be AWESOME!!!… I’d really take the time… get your place settled in your new family and then hit it strong when the time comes! 😉
Post # 5
Ouch that’s a hard situation. I wanted to comment on the prospect of living apart after marriage. I will say that a 2 hour difference will be hard, but not insurmountable. It’s a lot more common in my field (academia) for married couples (especially junior faculty) to live apart for a while. It’s a lot more common than I ever realized. If you think you can handle it, it may not be the end of the world.
But, if it’s not what you want to do; it’s not what you want to do and it’s just not right for you.
Post # 6
I’m sorry you’re going through this! That’s such a weird situation! Personally I wouldn’t live apart from my husband during our first year as newlyweds. Would you be willing or able to transfer to another closer school? It doesn’t sound like the school you’re going to currently is all that organized. This might be a good excuse to go somewhere else.
Post # 7
i would try to negotiate and get them to increase the offer. @ohheavenlyday:‘s suggestion is also a good one.
if you go to different schools, would it be possible to live halfway in between? a 1.5 hour commute would be a major pain, but it’s doable. what’s your plan for when he does a residency?
Post # 8
@ohheavenlyday: We have to write justification letters and they’re going to assemble a committee to vote based on our reasons. The people who defer are guaranteed a spot in the class for next year so they told us in the beginning that it’s not in their best interest to go based on scores since that will mess up the averages for next year’s class. There’s no way of knowing what kinds of reasons are good enough though 🙁
@runsyellowlites: If I took the year off, there’s a chance I could get into his school from their waitlist any time from now until July. Not a huge chance, but a possibility. I’m really starting to lean more towards it, I’m just trying to get over myself. I think my ego is a big factor. But marriage is about compromises and it’s not like I’m sacrificing my career for forever, right?
Post # 9
That is right… and even aside from “marriage being a compromise” we sometimes need that slap in the face get over yourself reminder anyways… I know I do 😉
I’d really just breath, take a step back, and look at all the opportunity that could come out of this “set-back”
and like you said…. You can/will always redirect later to get back on your path 😉
I think if you were to embrace it you could absolutely LOVE it!
This time means that as your hubby gets in the higher stress end of his education you can be there for him in a way that you could never be pursuing yours (at this moment) & as strong, independant, & goal driven us girls may be…
there’s something awesome that happens in us when we step aside ourselves and help someone we love accomplish or get closer to accomplish what’s in their heart!
*Oh I’m excited about that possibilty for you!*
Post # 10
@MissHobbit: Ya, we’ve been doing it for a couple years now, we know it’s possible to do it for a couple more. It’s reassuring to know that other people have done it, too. Right now, every married couple I know lives together and we don’t know any couples where both people are trying for a career that isn’t as flexible.
@MrsMcGyro: I can’t transfer, and if I defer and try to reapply next year anyways, I lose my current spot. The only chance would be if his school accepted me off their waitlist, which honestly doesn’t seem likely. He’s emailed the admissions people several times and they just ignore him.
@kitzy: They already told us that their forced deferrals wouldn’t be primarily based on numbers but on your written justification for why you shouldn’t be deferred :/ My fiance nixed the commuting plan a long time ago. He’s afraid that I’ll get tired and fall asleep or my car will break down, or there’s some kind of accident. My school has several campus branches and so there are about 4 different locations in major cities where I could finish my 3rd and 4th year. My school said that if we volunteer to defer, we’re guaranteed the locations we want. He’s planning on only applying to residencies in those cities and luckily there are several programs and many spots per city for the specialty he wants to do. Since the deadline is still over a month away, I’m def going to wait and see if they increase the offer or if I could work something out.
Post # 11
I would probably just stay in the program without deferring. You worked really hard to get into it and pushing it back a year is just another year longer until you finish. I’m an impatient person though :). Besides, since you both will be so busy (especially you in your first year of med school), the time will pass by quickly. My husband and I did a 2 year LDR when I moved to start my PhD program and he stayed to finish his – it flew by. Now that we’re married, we’re in the middle of another LDR because he accepted a job 8 hours away. It’s difficult but he’s getting a ton of work done and so am I, so it’s actually worked out well. It sucks you guys are already doing one, but like MissHobbit said, as professionals the LDR is bound to happen at some point…
Post # 12
Have you talked to someone in admissions. I know that there are AMCAS rules and such for reapplications, but sometimes you can get visiting student status or transfer for personal reasons. I know it would be highly unusual to have a 1st year visitor…that sort of thing is usually for rotations…but if you talk to the right honcho, or better yet, get a fellowship and spend next year doing research in her lab, you might be able to have a string or two pulled.
My former PI’s Fiance was in med school on the opposite coast, and he was able to help her get permission to do the last half of her “4th” year (she was MD/PhD) at our school. I’m sure it helped that she was a stud with a great track record already and he was a prof.
Re: it taking an extra year…Don’t sweat it. It will be gone before you know it. One of my greatest regrets is plowing through undergrad in 3 years b/c I was worried about how old I’d be when med school and residency concluded. Then I decided to withdraw from med school go to grad school and watched all of the med school folks my year graduate, finish residencies, and move into practice before I finished my thing. LOL. There was so no need to rush at the beginning!
Post # 13
I dont understand how they can force people to defer without compensation when this is their mistake. That doesnt sound right to me. I wouldnt defer. I would just sit tight
Post # 14
@dillpickle46: That’s true. LDR sucks but in a way it’s good to hear when other people have done it and are surviving just fine. I keep stressing about the financial aspect but I need to just accept that with two people in med school, we’re going to have a huge pile of loans no matter what lol
@Melini: I didn’t apply through AMCAS. I’m in Texas so all the public state schools use their own special application service called TMDSAS. Their rules are slghtly different. Regardless of whether I chose to defer or not, my fiance is planning on doing some away rotations in my city for his 4th year. We’ve already checked with both schools and it looks like he can do up to 4 blocks, potentially 16 weeks, where I am.
@bells: I don’t either 🙁 They say that their legal team is aware and on board with their decisions, whatever that means. I think they’re kinda trying to scare us into either volunteering or accepting the first offer we get from another school
Post # 15
I have to 100% agree with @runsyellowlites: I think it’s a great opportunity to take a little breather and get some life experience. Get a job doing something low stress, but still in your field and enjoy yourself.
Post # 16
I would probably defer. Although the money’s not that much (in terms of what you said tuition is), even working a temp or office job, you’d be able to save up a bit of money, as well. Plus, you get your guaranteed residency locations. I know people who are doing their residencies in the middle of nowhere (which could be cool, depending on the person) since they didn’t have much of a choice. You know that you and Fiance (then Hubby) will be in the same cities. AND! What if you end up getting forced to defer…with no bonus! That sucks. I say do it and get the cash.